Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A cottage, the beach, a beagle.

Now it's really time to start writing my blog again.
The past weeks I couldn't find time, cleaning and tidying the house. I found more than 100 pairs of socks he bought and put away in all sorts of places.!! And that's only to show what I was up against.
I also have to deal with a decrease of income which is tremendous. We're now on a tiny pension and we have to think what we're going to do with every coin. I don't mind that, but it means that i have to put on halt so many ideas and dreams.
I didn't know that worse was to come.
Last monday he told me he's going to live in a seperate apartment when he's finished his treatment. I hoped and expected that, so it was a relief. He finally accepted that our relationship is over, in fact it has ended about 20 years ago. So his treatment was a kind of natural way of leaving house.
He also told me he's going to keep all the pension.
So that leaves me applying for benefits.

I'm looking and applying for jobs over a year now. None wants me.
Why would they? I'm 61, heartpatient, lungpatient, kidneypatient and diabetic.
They only see that. Not that I feel like 23, have lots of energy, am a good lecturer, organiser, chairman (yea...i know), public speaker, manager, house head of a house of people with disabilities, and journalist and photographer. I'm a great teamworker, not afraid to be the natural leader I am an not afraid of making decisions and dealing with the consequences. I speak English and Dutch fluently, and German at a good level, but not without an accent and searching for words regularly.
I'm fun to be with, whether you're in for a good laugh or want a debate.

I feel like someone has taken my life..
After 35 years, 6 children that stayed alive, 2 who died, giving up my main profession as a psychologist to care for 4 of them who turned out to deal with autism and later in life dealing with his problems (which were always much worse than mine according to him, but not my cardiologist) and his autism and starting dementia I'm put aside with nothing at all.
He was able to enjoy his job, travel at his likes,, eat what he wanted, while I was dealing with the children and seemed to be glued at them or they at me.
No holidays, no dinners out, and, to b honest, two times to the cinema. What is worse: I've lost almost all friends. I've just got two friends who use me and I let them, and recently my old friend from university, who lives far away, but he's the only one who really knows me and I can confide in.

I'm not waiting for a person from the office of work to pressurize me to clean loos at the railroad station. I'm scanning all job offers from the nearby university. I started working as a volunteer for the Heart Organisation, informing patients, working to improve medical and social care, and, to my utter delight, I even had the opportunity to do something I loved so much in the past: lecturing students. It was just one day, but boy, did we enjoy it all.

So there's an open future, if people could see beyond problems.

But what puts me fighting a depression is giving up my dreams because there is no money.
I always wanted to live in Scotland or Wales. Ever since I've been there I've been homesick. A small cottage is enough.
I've altered the dream into a small home near the sea. I love being at the beach. And I try not to see myself anymore, walking in the wind beside endless waves with a beagle.

It's not so much and I would want to work for it.
But last monday, he took my dream away forever.
If nothing miraculous happens I will end up in a tiny apartment in one of the worst parts of town, without my cup of coffee, my hobbies, under terrible stress because other people tell me what to do, knowing in my heart I have made so many differences in the lives of others and I can't make a change for myself....I can't even realize my last dream.