Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A cottage, the beach, a beagle.

Now it's really time to start writing my blog again.
The past weeks I couldn't find time, cleaning and tidying the house. I found more than 100 pairs of socks he bought and put away in all sorts of places.!! And that's only to show what I was up against.
I also have to deal with a decrease of income which is tremendous. We're now on a tiny pension and we have to think what we're going to do with every coin. I don't mind that, but it means that i have to put on halt so many ideas and dreams.
I didn't know that worse was to come.
Last monday he told me he's going to live in a seperate apartment when he's finished his treatment. I hoped and expected that, so it was a relief. He finally accepted that our relationship is over, in fact it has ended about 20 years ago. So his treatment was a kind of natural way of leaving house.
He also told me he's going to keep all the pension.
So that leaves me applying for benefits.

I'm looking and applying for jobs over a year now. None wants me.
Why would they? I'm 61, heartpatient, lungpatient, kidneypatient and diabetic.
They only see that. Not that I feel like 23, have lots of energy, am a good lecturer, organiser, chairman (yea...i know), public speaker, manager, house head of a house of people with disabilities, and journalist and photographer. I'm a great teamworker, not afraid to be the natural leader I am an not afraid of making decisions and dealing with the consequences. I speak English and Dutch fluently, and German at a good level, but not without an accent and searching for words regularly.
I'm fun to be with, whether you're in for a good laugh or want a debate.

I feel like someone has taken my life..
After 35 years, 6 children that stayed alive, 2 who died, giving up my main profession as a psychologist to care for 4 of them who turned out to deal with autism and later in life dealing with his problems (which were always much worse than mine according to him, but not my cardiologist) and his autism and starting dementia I'm put aside with nothing at all.
He was able to enjoy his job, travel at his likes,, eat what he wanted, while I was dealing with the children and seemed to be glued at them or they at me.
No holidays, no dinners out, and, to b honest, two times to the cinema. What is worse: I've lost almost all friends. I've just got two friends who use me and I let them, and recently my old friend from university, who lives far away, but he's the only one who really knows me and I can confide in.

I'm not waiting for a person from the office of work to pressurize me to clean loos at the railroad station. I'm scanning all job offers from the nearby university. I started working as a volunteer for the Heart Organisation, informing patients, working to improve medical and social care, and, to my utter delight, I even had the opportunity to do something I loved so much in the past: lecturing students. It was just one day, but boy, did we enjoy it all.

So there's an open future, if people could see beyond problems.

But what puts me fighting a depression is giving up my dreams because there is no money.
I always wanted to live in Scotland or Wales. Ever since I've been there I've been homesick. A small cottage is enough.
I've altered the dream into a small home near the sea. I love being at the beach. And I try not to see myself anymore, walking in the wind beside endless waves with a beagle.

It's not so much and I would want to work for it.
But last monday, he took my dream away forever.
If nothing miraculous happens I will end up in a tiny apartment in one of the worst parts of town, without my cup of coffee, my hobbies, under terrible stress because other people tell me what to do, knowing in my heart I have made so many differences in the lives of others and I can't make a change for myself....I can't even realize my last dream.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

A home for me.

So he's gone.
No 'thank you' or something special. Just saying that I should watch my health and that's it.
He wanted a hug, but it didn't move any further than arms around me, without any feeling and not even the chance to move my head nearer.
So awkward.

With mixed feelings I went with one of my sons to the Ikea, to fetch some things in the sales and trying out some couches, because we need a new one.
At home I started moving his things to the laundry or somewhere else, switched on the machine and had a cup of coffee.
Still no special feelings than a slight feeling of relief.
Perhaps the time before has been enough to experience the whole array of disappointment and all those other feelings.
One of the kids asked: 'When was the last time he touched you? Like a hug or so.'
Good question....about 5 or 7 years ago, maybe even longer.
But it was a lot longer. More than 20 years.

So I feel I have done enough to make the marriage votes into investment in the relationship.

Now I'm cleaning up the mess he left. Old cans with vegetables, for instance.
Lots of packages with chips.
All the tiny bits he collected and he left on the table. Such a mess.

I feel like making the house a home again. Not only for the children who still live here or stay here when they have to work in town.
But also for me.

There's almost no money, just some I saved for the couch. Which will be a cheap one.
But it'll be a home.

Even now the weather is very cold, there's a lot of fog and we even had some snow this afternoon.
It's freezing outside...but who cares?



Saturday, January 7, 2017

Snow 2017 - 1

Ofcourse we had a weather alarm, as snow and icy roads were expected.
Nevertheless one of my daughters had bought a large wardrobe closet for her room and needed one of her brothers to bring it from here to her room, which is in another town. She had arranged the car of one of our friends, which was large enough.
Yeea...but there was a restriction: no ice or snow.

We woke up in a white world, with a nasty, piercing cold and it was almost impossible to leave the neighbourhood on foot.
We all were sorry for our daughter, but there was no furniture transport.

The day wasn't wasted though. She made some beautiful pictures which gave me the idea to write some poems inspired by her photos and make booklets.
I think we can make something beautiful, so we have to think carefully about this idea.

It was the first saturday we didn't go for groceries, but had coffee and a kind of lazy day.
Ofcourse moms never have lazy days. Laundry, kids, the dishes... To be honest, I really missed walking a lot, as we do on saturdays, but it was nice to look outside and enjoy the wonderful world.
I love snow. But hey...there's no need for me to drive a car.


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Room of the past

Wouldn't it be great when the door to memories would be closed until you're in the mood to enter the room of the past?
Next week I'll have a few important appointments, and the week after it I'll live without a husband without knowing for sure if what he said is true.
He said my financial situation will be secure.

It made me think about things he said in the past
One of the main things: 'our love will be forever'.

I thought so, wanted to believe it, loved the romantic idea.
I was such a fool, so naive, so trusting, so longing for love.

It was like being pregnant: thoughts going until the delivery, forgetting, conveniently, that kids grow up, want your money, your food, clean laundry and always a smile.
I didn't realize there would be a lot of relationship after the day of white tule ad wonderful promises.
I expected happiness, care, love.
OK, it was there for a short while.

Then it turned out he had a limited array of feelings, was a man, couldn't do anything proper in the DIY area, and was living all for his own.

I tried to adjust, stay without criticism, forgive, and smile, smile and bloody smile.

When we got kids there was no return button available anymore.
I was a fulltime mom and dad, and he did what he loved most: travel, work, and travel.

I'm looking back now, closing that time of life.
The kids have grown up, 2 are still at home, until one finds a job and the other finishes her education and finds a job too.

I feel like an empty tissue box: the tissues are almost all used.
11 days to go and then I can be thrown away and I can reinvent myself again.




Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year ! 2017 !

Happy New Year!!

I wish all my readers a wonderful year in all aspects.
I hope people are able to develop themselves into better beings, with respect for others and nature.

We had a strange day yesterday.
Went for the last shopping and wanted to go to watch a traditional goodbye of the year, Carbid shooting, but there was a weather alarm for slippery roads and as we needed to drive on top of the dykes to get there we decided not to go.

Then my oldest called that he had hurt himself when he walked outside the house. He tried for ice on the road and it wasn't slippery but a few steps further and he smacked down. I was worried all day, but it turned out he was only badly bruised and scratched.

In the evening we first went to visit our autistic son who lives in another town and who doesn't like to leave his house during the change of years.
Then we went to fetch the oldest and the rest was either at home or arrived in time.

After the change of years we went outside to visit friends in the street behind ours. Wished them all the best and went to the house were we've been the past years to have a small drink and a talk with other friends. They were not at home, so it felt a bit strange.
There was such loud noise of fireworks and such a lot fireworks. More than I've even heard and seen before.
And the stench!! It was misty, so it couldn't go anywhere. Buh.

At home we toasted on the change of years of Scotland. It's a tradition in our house, to commemorate my father's RAF years during WW2.

After sitting and talking for a while we drove our oldest home. It was mysty, but had we been 15 minutes later we would have had problems seeing where we were going.
Now we arrived home safe and sound.
I tidied the room a bit.... and then everybody was off to sleep and I couldn't sleep.

During the night, until 5.30 we heard fireworks. I don't understand it wasn't stopped by the police, because it's allowed until 2 hours.

Well, the year has started....