Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Did I do enough?

The past days I had some sort of flu, with a throatinfection and pain in my ears and a very active nose. I even lost my voice.
But today my voice was back, though crackling, and my throat was hurting a bit less.

I think that dealing with that made me react with more emotions than I had foreseen.
But sometimes it's OK just to go with the flow. Unless other people are made upset too.

After I'd been to the doctor's practice to get the first shot of this week I decided not to stay at home.
The laundry and all the other chores looked at me and I didn't want to look at them. Simple as that.
So I went with Mister and the oldest to do some shopping across the border. Nothing special, we do that every week.

The skies were enormous! Bold white clouds, piling up, and below them dark grey, almost painted areas, with shedding of rain at the horizon. It was kind of comforting,. They float, whatever happens down on the earth.

I decided to buy a mala in memory of my friend.
Will look for one tomorrow.

I have been asking myself if I could have done more for her.
But I think I've done all I could.
I didn't step back because I was afraid of her or her illness, but because she wanted to live the last part of her life her own way. With her family.
She knew I was waiting for the moment she needed me.

Often she had in her life the feeling that life was not about her but about others. That always someone stepped before her when it was her time to shine. That her family liked her sister more than her. That others made choices for her, not with her.
I tried to give her her own choices. Tried to lift her out of the feeling that she was victim of circumstances into a situation that she could see her choices.
Even when she was in hospital I felt a kind of teacher, showing her that she could ask for a doctor to explain things again. She was growing fast... contemplating stopping therapy.
We both had our feelings about it.
When my father stopped therapy it was a choice for quality of life, not fear of side-effects, loosing hair and all the other fears that enter life as soon as the word cancer sounds. He was OK with living shorter, but more as himself, with a rapid deterioration in the end.
I lived with him the last weeks of his life. I told him it was OK to go.
It was the second time in my life I said it was OK to go to a dear beloved person. I was with my gram too.

My friend knew how I felt, what I went through. She was catching me.
And this time I had no one to catch me.
So I think it was her choice to do it this way.

She promised to call me if she needed me.
And I knew it was not about me.

So slowly a feeling of rest enters me.
I worry about her children. But her family is caring, and the children are not small kids anymore.
They're kind people, just like their mom.

I know that one day I'll feel her presence and that that feeling won't leave me.
She was such a kind person



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