Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Continuing Story - nerves

Just a few days and then he's going to step in a new world again.

We know his reactions, we know his way of dealing with his nerves.

So anticipating on his: "I don't have trousers that fit", we went to town and got a pair of new trousers... to find out that... yep...they didn't fit.
Luckily the girls have vacation and they offered to go and exchange them for a better pair.

And then he came up with pain in his feet.
We know that too.
So I told him he's got special soles to deal with it and I'd make an appointment with the "feetguy".

I tried to tell him that dealing with his nerves is a challenge indeed, but he's not able to get in control. We know that. That's his autism.

Maybe the best argument to make him go is that he will lose his disability benefit.
Even though I told the people of the office, including the doctor, how he is, they just cling on to the rules. They won't adjust the way they see him, because it's not about people anymore. It's just about numbers and money, about forcing people to behave in a normal way. When your disability is as large that you can't comply you have to show them at your own cost that you can't live up to their expectations.

Ofcourse we, his parents, won't let it come that far.
We'll just go bankrupt.

He doesn't realise yet, that a whole army of women, who have started working again after their kids left home, are waiting, after their refresher course, to tackle all his problems and show him how good they are in their new profession.
They don't realise which terrible life he's had due to people like them. People who said they knew autism and didn't even know that (classic) autism is a neuropsychological problem, not some attitude which can be changed by someone with a large ego.
They don't know that putting him under pressure results in regression, and the lost trousers (his belt and socks will follow the next days) are just a symptom of the despair he feels.

I would love to see him go without problems and with the enthousiasm he showed when we found this place.
I wish he was able to work on his future with enthousiasm and happiness.

These people are so ready to point a finger to me to tell me I haven't done the right thing to motivate him, to make him go.
They don't realise what it means to me to see him struggle with himself in the face of even a minor event like going to the shops.

I would have loved to have a healthy son with a diploma finding his way through life. I would have loved to be the proud mom at the sideline, with a son who is able to do everything by himself.

People dare to tell me I keep my children small.

I don't and I won't.
I feel so happy seeing the girls grow up, wanting more responsibility, taking it.
It's so interesting to see those little babies grow into pretty young women who have the world a lot to offer. They're so creative, have so many good things to say.

Those people don't realise what I realise.
The years are starting to count.
I want my children on their feet and able to deal with the good and ugly of life before I'm old.
And I would love to have some time to enjoy the world without children, after so many years of intense motherhood.
I stayed at home for them and there are no regrets, and I love them to bits, but I would love to travel, for instance. Or try out to be the artist I think I am. Or have a bit of a carreer.

I'm just a normal mom and I want the best for my children.

Why do those socalled professionals have a different opinion?

Maybe because autism doesn't show on the outside?
Maybe because I have been such a good mom and I've taught even my autistic son how to behave, to smile, and to look people in the eyes, even when he doesn'tlike to do so?
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