Sunday, May 9, 2010

To my loyal friends and readers

Sticky post. Updates at the bottom.

The past weeks have been very hard on our family and on me in particular, because people who are hunting for families which differ from what's considered average, are not able to see that families which are not average are good families too.
They're doubting my parenting skills, without even assessing them or asking me what I do and why I do what I do.

I have discovered a lot about myself and to my surprise it's good, not bad.
The criticism, pressure, even harrassment and psychological abuse (Yes, that's the right expression) have made me realise that whatever the outcome of their ill thoughts and actions, I have been a good mom for all my children and I'm not to blame for my choices and for the way life went.
Sometimes life forces itself on people in such a way that heads and hearts should be turned to the future, not to the past, in order to grow.

The past weeks I've experienced that those who showed a lack of support and professional action shouldn't have been trusted with the wellbeing of people at all, as they didn't dare to stand up for us and speak out. (One person even harmed me, going against his professional oath.)
Their jobs seem to be/are more important than the care for those who are their patiƫnts and their family.

It's interesting that people want openess and invade the privacy of other people to a huge extent, but shield themselves from all sorts of criticism.

I've cried a lot, felt desperate, doubted myself to the smallest particle of my being, questioned myself, feared the future, seeing the worst scenarios, even losing my children, but strangely landed on my feet and in my heart in such a way that I can say I've grown.
or maybe I haven't grown as much as that I've gained an insight in the person I am and the way I deal with the world.

Standing in front of people who live by finding fault with others, who are not able to see the good in others anymore, who have an inner passion for revenge, hatred and manipulation, confronted me with my own feelings and way I deal with the world.

I can't deal with those people.
I can't please them.
Nor can I get mad because of them.

The way I dealt with people in the past, the questions I asked during religion classes, even the criticism of a dear old friend who said I was too kind, and should act mad because of what happened in my life, instead of accepting it, see a lesson and live on...
it all suddenly made sense.

In the past I've studied buddhism, but more because I thought some concepts were interesting, than that I thought it would be my path.

Looking back, I've seemed to have lived the path of compassion from the source of my being, far more than I ever realised before.

When I felt worst last week, I came home and sat down at my computer, trying to find a friend online to talk to.
Instead I just googled my thoughts and landed straightaway on a page with a text from the Dalai Lama about compassion.

Rest entered my mind and soul immediately.
It was like coming home.

The way I was as a child, my reactions to the world when I grew up, the way I raised my children and even the way I dealt with all these forces of the past week, it all seemed to fit the same inner strength and way of being.

Interesting is that my house contains some religious symbols.
Those of the roman catholic tradition in which I was raised,
and one tibetan prayer wheel.

Now I would love to have a tibetan buddhism pendant.

Next september I'll take a course at the Buddhistic Centre here in town.

The coming weeks will be very important to my family and ofcourse to me too.
I can only hope the people who feel the need to decide over us will receive the wisdom to look for our good qualities, and see things the way they are, not the way they want to see things.

I need all your support not to drift away from who I am.

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22-5-2010
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The Child Protection Agency will evaluate our family and our parenting skills due to preconceived ideas of someone "who knows it all" and who doesn't care what we say.
At june 1 they'll come.

It will be awkward to have 24 years experience as a parent of 6 handicapped and regular children evaluated by someone who is younger than I am.
In my heart I know I'm a very good mother and my children got one of the best mothers they could ever had.
But will it be enough?

I'm not perfect, you know.

But there's no reason at all to think my children will have a better place on earth elsewhere.
Yet, there are families broken up by organisations like these, just because they have a picture in their head of the average family and a family which is a mix of handicapped and normal people differs.

Please pray for us, light a candle, send white light or give us your best otherwise, so all will be well soon.

Thanks!
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