Sunday, January 31, 2010

I've won at Marta Designs

january 31 2010

I love presents and like everyone else I like to win.
And, to my big surprise, I did.
At Marta Designs.

She created a wonderful scrapkit called "VANILIA LOVE" which you can find at her blog.

Because I had no photos on my computer to scap with I just started to play around and came up with this image.
It makes me want to sit there and look at you right through the screen. :)

The graphics are beautiful.
They are of a lovely colourpallet that fits this time, but also other seasons of the year. It's just how you combine them.

Marta has examples of scrappages at her site.
But I'm sure that the kit alone is inspiration enough.

Thank you Marta!

Give yourself a present and have fun all others.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Everybody is a Star

january 30 2010

1. Did you ever think that you'd be a star? If yes, doing what?

Well, I've done my part in the balletworld.
I haven't been a huge star, but I've had my applause.
That's good enough for me.

2. Tell us about the last time you had a romantic dinner.

I can't remember anything like that. It's so long ago. And it was in another life.

3. Tell us about your worst job interview.

They were all OK.

4. Tell us about your stupidest date.

I was take to a party by a good friend. He was called away, for work or something like that. He left.
After some time I went to the wardrobe for my coat and Some schoolmate was slightly drunk and wanted to kiss me.
Ugh.. he was stinking after cigarettes and alcohol and I didn't want his kisses.

So I left him there and for sme strange reason I felt stupid when I went home.

5. How much in common do you think you should have with a romantic partner?

Well, we should have at least subjects to talk about, thinks to laugh about and some "electricity".

6. Tell us about a favorite meme that you loved but no longer posts.

That was friday's food or something like that.
A great many people took part. It was fun and then it suddenly stopped.

7. How did you get into blogging?

I was asked by someone who was promoting a blogging site, I took a look and was blogging.

8. Do you share all your fantasies with a significant other?

No. One needs to have a significant other first.

9. What change in your life would you like to happen this year?

Move to Scotland, meet the man who really cares for me and that my autistic son suddenly wants to move out and is able to.

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Friday, January 29, 2010

labels mean consensus

january 29 2010

Hans commented on the way I quickly described one of my children. And here's my reply:

No, people can't be sealed with a stamp.
But that way my readers understand about which child I'm talking.
That's necessary with 6 of them.

When you're dealing with parents of special children as long as I do (almost 25 years now) you know it's not a typical dutch labeling issue, but a fast way of communicating the core issues of daily life.

When I studied psychology I was one of the many idealists who wanted to adress each person in his own unique being. And I did. (And still do).
I was (and am) able to skip all ways of descibing the person until insurances wanted to know why they had to pay, until other caretakers wanted to know what they could expect, until I got my exams and my professors wanted to know whether I knew what I needed to know to have at least some basic understanding of the different ways the psyche presents itself, and until the person him- or herself wanted to get a grasp on what he or she was experiencing.
People find security in a name, even when it's an artificial label.

When other parents of autistic children arrive at my blog, they know within a few seconds which characteristics we're talking about.

Labels (used the way we're talking about) are a form of consensus.
They emerge from observations and research, from features certain people share.
They're not stamps, they're not used to take unique features of people away.

When I say that my first son has asperger syndrome and my fourth classic autism, I'm talking about two unique persons who share certain characteristics because they're both "on the autistic spectrum", but who also deal with the world in a complete different way.

I know where you come from, but I also know that "labels" are used every day, by each of us, even without realising.
Calling a tree a tree, and a table a table instead of: two pieces of wood (120x45x4 cm) assembled together by means of glue and pressure, horizontally situated on 4...etc etc.).


Thursday, January 28, 2010

A place to live 9, and a future on the rails

january 28 2010

One of my sons (nr 3, PPD-NOS) finally got the reward he deserved for his hard work.
He passed the theory-exam for his driver's license, so he can set a date for the other part.

He only missed one question from the 65, so he did very well.

We're so happy for him.

But even after that news we kept stressed, because today he would also hear the decsions about the study of photography.

The guy who has to decide if he'll get the funding said a few weeks ago that he wouldn't agree.

Both my sons social worker and I shot through the roof.
We were both present and we both heard he said he would agree when my son would be admitted.

We also thought that maybe the school stretched the whole admission procedure past january 1 2010 to be able to refuse my son for lack of funding, as the cutbacks would take place at that date.

Well, after trying to be admitted for a whole year, after being refused once because of someone who was too lazy to do her job and who didn't understand even the most minimalistic tips to communicatie with autistic people, I had the strong feeling he deserved to be accepted at that school for individual learning.

Then my son heard from his guidance counsellor where he lives that she was told that they doubted his committment because he forgot one appointment. (Which he didn't forget...the busses were not on the road due to the weather...)

He told me, knowing I would set things straight rightaway.

So I crawled in the mail and had my go at jumping at the keyboard.
The lady in question got a nice mail telling her:
  1. that I and the social worker hear the guy say that his study would be funded when he would be admitted at that school
  2. that the very long procedure was not due to my son, but to the fact that she made só many mistakes during the first monthS, that we had to call in her superior to sort things out.
    And as not only we, but also my son's social worker was present, she got that mail too.
    Which one way or another means a lot of pressure.

So my son is admitted... phew!!

Now he can get a grasp on his future.

He lives where he wants to live,
he's almost ready to get his driver's license,
and he can start the study he's always wanted.

Make me remember how he used to play with his train.
When he was happy he wanted a cookie, put it in the back of the train and drove with it all across the room...

tuuut tuuut

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's my birthday!

January 27 2010

It's my birthday!

It's unbelievable another year has passed again. Time flies, and there's hardly a chance to merge years into a coherent picture. So many different things happen.
In fact, the year is always in huge contrast with my birthday, because that's about the only day in the year I try to do the least possible.

With a family like mine there's always enough turmoil, even though I would love to be confronted with a real surprise party. It'll never happen.

So it's up to you, blogfriends, to surprise me today.
Give me a comment, subscribe to the new googlefriendthingy and my feed at my other site ::here:: and be happy with me.

I'm looking forward to some snow today, and applepie, and some home-made surprises from the girls.

(Last week I offered the money that was set apart for my birthdaypresents to repair one of the computers of the children, so not much else will happen.)

Like I said.. surprise me with subscriptions as a follower, to the feed, here and at my other site, and maybe use my whuddleworldgraphic to become a new member of whuddleworld, which is a kidfriendly site where I became a member to keep an eye on my children, and where grown ups meet each other in their forums. (When you need help to get through the entrancequizz, just let me know.)

I hope today will be a beautiful day for all of us.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

..and a finch in the garden

january 26 2010

One day before my birthday and I'm not OK.
I haven't had a such a stuffed head, with wooly painful cotton, for ages.
My arms weigh a thousand tons and I don't even crave for coffee.

Last week I worked hard to make the house look nice and unoccupied by anyone but me. But overnight an untidy alien crashed here, I assume.

In the garden is a finch hanging on the bag with peanuts.
He's turning fast and when the tuen is over he makes such moves to get it going again that I'm sure he wants this himself.

Last night the extreme temp was -14.3 in Stavoren.
Taking the iceflowers on my bedroom window in account it has been very low here too.
I left the heating on overnight, so the wind, blowing through small spaces, has done a good job.

Later this day snow is expected.
There's nothing as good as a walk through the snow when you're feverish, so I'm looking forward to it.

It's good to give the world a day to live for itself.
I don't feel the need to take part, even though I'm sucked in by mail on the doormat, the news and all the noises.

My autistic son arrives downstairs, complaining about nothing, as always.

No rest for the wicked....

I still ask myself what I've done wrong. LOL!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Manic Monday #198

january 25 2009

If you could only have one section of the bookstore to visit, which section would it be?

That's a difficult question, because I used to hang out in the best store of town many many hours.

I love art, and I love looking at the creations of other people.
I love psychology and I used to enjoy myself with reading sense and nonsense.
I also like a good story.

So I'd better sit at the backdoor and take one book from every load that comes in. LOL!

If you could only subscribe to one publication for the rest of your life, what would it be?

In this time of my life it's National Geography traveler.
I've read it in the waitingroom of my doc and I love it.

But I'm OK with a dollshouse magazine, something about music, etc etc. too.

What activity always makes you lose track of time?

Blogging, making music, designing, most things creative.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Desert of hell

january 24 2010

Sometimes I wonder whether we're served by the possibilities of modern media.

There are so many human emotions flowing through TV, internet and other media that at some days I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.

Just 2 main subjects.

People who want to escape from Haiti will be send back by the USA.

I wonder why people give millions of dollars to people who have nothing at all and send them back into the desert of hell.
Why do we want to confine people to poverty and despair, when we still have a place for a tent in our garden, a chair at our table, and a bed in a corner?
These people want to work to get their future on track again, they're not passive, they want to work at jobs no one else wants.

Well, we've seen it happen before. Mary, pregnant... you know the story.

People never learn from the past.

A very talented girl wins a nationwide audition.

It's years ago that I met her on the steps of the ballet academy.
That day she was facing one of her first auditions, and I told her what to do and what not, and she passed.
Now she did it again. As a young woman.

We make and break people, and I wonder whether we are aware what we're doing.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Think We're Alone Now

january 23 2010

1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with?

I don't know. Maybe with Obama so I can get some great ideas across.

2. Have ever dated a good friend?

Yes, I did. What are good friends for?

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like?

No idea. I'm listening to the music of the concert for Haiti, so my mind is on a different subject. Sorry.

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie?

Out of Africa.

5. What about yourself makes you least secure?

I've always felt insecure, even though people don't realise that when they meet and think they know me.
I'm insecure about my looks, and now also my age.
May I come back to answer nr 1? Stevie Wonder will be OK. He can't see me, but I'm sure we'll have a great time singing.

6. Do you believe in destiny?

As long as I haven't discovered mine and so many children die each day, people starve from hunger, get killed by drunken drivers...
No, I can't believe in destiny.

7. What 'issue' do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view?

I've dealt with so many autistic children and young people, dealt with grown up autistic people, I studied the subject with one of the best professors of my studytime, and I love with 4 autistic kids, an autistic husband and, thanks, with two non-autistic kids too.
I'm well able to deal with scientific research and see through all the nonsense spread in the media by people who want to get their own point across.

8. What are 5 things you don't care about?

  1. Untidiness when no one is at home
  2. Arrogant and hypocritical people
  3. eh....

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were seducing or being seduced?

I'm not a person who flirts or seduces. (Guess I haven't met the right person yet.)

Have a great weekend!

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Friday, January 22, 2010

Grinding with Laane

january 22 2010

There are days I long to sit at my grandma's table and grind coffee with her.
The strong smell of coffee, the sweet light through the window and the soft smile on her face.

Wouldn't it be a great introduction for a meme?

Well, you're allowed to consider this as much.
When you want to take part, let me know and I'll send you the graphic.

Grind away what happened this week so you can start your weekend a bit better.

When we, girls and I, joined the bagpipe band there were only a few women and no men.
They had a good way of dealing with lessons and performances and had a kind of routine everybody felt Ok with.

But people grew older. Couldn't keep up with the rate of performances, didn't want to adjust their vacation schedule, (guess the wifes didn't and the men had to go along. :) ), and as everything changes, life within the band changed.

The girls got lessons with a boy that disturbed them during the lessons, and drew them into misschief by running through the school when they were not occupied.
When I was there, it wouldn't happen.

Because of my health and the care for my autistic son, who couldn't be left alone and certainly not with his brothers, I had to stop the lessons.
Like always in music I found a greater feeling of relaxation by using the instrument to express my own creativity rather then spending energy to adjust to the technical pace of the band.

The girls still went to the lessons which were more disturbed than ever.
Instead of the teacher throwing the boy out they all tried to put up with him, because he was the son of a member of the board.
Finally they found a way to kick him out without losing face: a test. Who flunked it was out.

To our surprise one of the girls didn't play well that day and was thrown out.
The other made an excuse, told she had a cold and needed more breaths of air, and as she was the one one of the examinators considered talented, she passed.

Problem with the location of the lessons is that it's in the school of the girls and we live about 45 minutes on bicycle away from that school, we're separated by not only a park that's not safe during the evening, but also by another not very safe area. So no girl goes alone.

We solved the matter by going with her, a duty of brothers and dad. But the brothers devoted their time to something else and dad had a surgery at his knee.
So it was her sister who accompanied her.
The sister is more motivated to play than the one who passed the exam.

I pleaded, almost on my knees, to give my motivated girl another chance to pass the test, but those old guys have no compassion.
In the discussion about how to go on with lessons for the one kid left, I said that both girls could be present in the lesson for the one. Seeing is learning too, and she's so very motivated..
Then I got the remark that the band is no babysitter.


It really made me jump out of my skin.

Well, because I wrote my reply to the teacher too, the guy who wrote it could do nothing else than tell me it was from his own brain.


Well, I've got something what they haven't got. Some stubborn scottish genes (and the title of Lady. Hah! But they don't know that).
And those scottish genes are female ones.

Never mess around with scottish females and their descendants!!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

for Haïti

januari 21 2010

Today it's not only the birthday of one of my sons, it's also the day that The Netherlands buzzes with a special event for Haïti.
The regular and commercial media work together to bring 24 hours of entertainement to create awareness for the situation in Haïti and collect money.

This morning the event started at 6 o'clock on radio and television and this evening a huge program replaces the regular schedule.

The government will double the amount that is collected in total before closure of the event (including what is collected on a special disaster account since the earthquake.)
(So that's your chance to break our economic system. Donate a few millions through me. LOL!)

Special attention is for the children that are adopted from Haïti and for the families who live here. They have gone and are going through so much.

Right now it's not even 9 o'clock and over 10 million euros are collected already.
That's almost 4 million today.

My son decided he didn't want presents today.
It's a brave decision for a 19 year old who loves games, computerrelated things, books and items about the Dalai Lama and Tibet.

We don't have family in Haïti, but 14 years ago we wanted to adopt a child and were asked to adopt a boy from Haïti with medical problems.
We agreed, but before the whole pile of paperwork was signed I got pregnant and that meant the file was closed.
We've always felt that as a loss, because there were not many people who wanted to adopt children with those medical problems and maybe the boy would never get the care he needed.

Now our heart goes out to him. Does he live?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


january 20 2010

One of the girls is ill. Just a bit, but she stayed at home and I guess that shook up the whole world and routine of my autistic son and his father.

After the other girl went to school I went back to bed, because I don't sleep well the last months.
I woke up by the noise of my autistic son and his father arguing.

Neither of them put an effort in to calm down, so I had to step in once again.
None of them was listening to the other and they were both trying to force the other to see things the other way.
Won't do anything good when none is listening, ej?

I miss a real grown up to share my responsibilities with, I miss another grown up to talk to. In fact the children's program that's on TV is more mature that the other person in the house who is supposed to be raising the children.

His bad moods are getting on my nerve, mainly because I see no cause for them and no reason why he shouldn't be at least neutral.

Sometimes I wonder where his brains are.
So many times his laptop and my computer have been on internet without any problem that one might suggest they do fine. Especially because his connection is directly lined up to his work and I can't in any way access that connection.

So why point a finger towards me when his connection gets lost?

Any idea?
I don't.

Well, when the accussations that his computer lost connection because I went on internet got verbal, it was just too much.

A person can take only só much and then it's done.

I completely understand why women leave their family and throw themselves in the arms of a 20 year old handsome guy.
We've dealt long enough with the lack of looks and the lack of male trustworthiness and lack of care.

I can deal with a guy who doesn't understand me, but respects me.

But when he talks to me like I'm some stupid worm on the ground, I simply won't accept that.

So now he's cooking dinner, because I won't today.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Mistake after mistake and then...

january 19 2010

The insurance made a mistake last year in june.
Instead of deducting a bill from the account of one of the girls (it was the official diagnosis of her dyslexia) they deducted it from the account of her father.

Because grown ups have a certain amount to pay before they get their things insured, called "own risk", we had to pay part of it.

But because a mistake was made and minors don't have an "own risk" we shouldn't have to pay anything.

We mailed them, phoned them, mailed again and were told that we were right, a mistake was made and it would be corrected.

Well, a few weeks later we got a bill with the same amount...

Repeat between the stars a couple of times.

In december we even got apologies and oh yes, we could be relaxed as all was solved now.

Saturday we got two letters.

One from the insurance telling us they handed the unpaid bill to an organisation that can even force it's way into your house with the police and take your belongings and sell them or bring you to court.

Well, the other letter was from that organisation, telling us to pay within 8 days, otherwise.... (And the insurance needs at least 14 days to reply...huh.)

And the letter of the insurance stated we were now registered as people who won't pay their bills.

It shot me straight through the roof, my bloodpressure slowly following (to give you an idea how fast I shot up high.)

We always need to turn our coins a few times before spending them, we can't buy everything we want, but we've never ever paid a bill too late, never ever had to ask for a loan. We've never ever been in debt.
And now we were registered??

I was more than furious.

Luckily the insurance has a mailservice active on saturdays.
And the other organisation had an emailadress, even though I needed to use a large magnifier to see it.

And...I had the mails that went to and fro, including 5 ones in which it was stated that matters were settled.

So I typed a subject in the mail with emergency!!! and Mistake, mistake!!! and made clear that a mistake was made and not on our side, and that I was really offended by the fact that we were registered.
I told them to remove us from the register IMMEDIATELY!!!, and mail me to tell me that that was done.

Got the mail monday morning....

Am I happy?


The explanation they gave for their mistake was completely wrong.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Manic Monday #197

january 18 2009

Growing up, what was your favorite sitcom?

Growing up... oh... eh...
It was a children's program: Swiebertje.
He was a roamer, a bit simple, always friendly with the houskeeper of the mayor, and always in problems with the policeman of the village.

Here's a part. Alas in Dutch.

It looks oldfashioned and it is. It ran from 1955 to 1975.

What's your idea of a romantic date?

Well, let's first get the guy. LOL!

Just a quiet time with someone really nice would be OK.
Nice dinner perhaps.

But I've had a great time too with a nice guy with cinnamon tea and a small glass afterwards, candles, good music, and some perfect sweet talking.
Those times made great memories.

What are you most afraid to lose?

After my girls? My brains.

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Please credit properly.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

sprained my ankle, who cares?

january 17 2010

I can't belief that other women can feel unwell and the whole world comes to their rescue, and others just have to put all their pain and emotions aside and go on and on, until they break or kill themselves.

Yesterday we were surprised by a huge, voluminous shower of rain, hail and icerain.
It was more than the sky opening up, it was flooding us with all winter has to bring.

As always I had to keep the roof between kitchen- and sheddoor from coming down, so I pushed the snowy load off.
Because there was a bicycle standing in my way I had to bend over and at the same time push the watery snow of the roof. Because it was so cold it was part plain ice and heavy. So I jumped and landed wrong on my foot. I felt it move to the right, to the left, until I grasped hold on the bike and prevented a fall.

With so much snow around I just stepped with my bare foot in the snow, what better cooling can one get, ej? And called one of the girls to give me a hand and make a cold wrap.
So there isn't much swelling.

There should have been, maybe it would have made clear better that something serious was the matter.

Being together with someone who is autistic causes for some women an intense loneliness because there's a lack of real compassion and care. There's an imbalance between giving and taking.
One has to understand, interpret, ignore and deal with so many problems, that often one has to violate own needs, dreams and feelings to to be able to live life day by day.

I feel like a single mother, my tasks are those of a single mother and I have to enable a grown up man to live a seemingly normal life. Which means that the world sees his best moments and we have to deal with him letting off steam, venting his frustrations, sometimes in words, sometimes in behaviour, which turns a normal day into a complete daylasting exeprience of the worst morningmood ever.

So he spoiled the wonderful afternoon one of my girls and I had dreamed of.
The rest was gone, including my autistic son, their father was supposed to do his own things and we would go shopping.
There was no money, so we stayed at home and I told her we would find some samples of facial masks and fun like that and spend the time with girly things. We both thought that would give us the relaxation we so badly need.

Instead of having some girly time, we had to deal with someone in the house with a terrible mood, who commented on everything we did, so she just went to her room and made homeworkassignments due somewhere at the end of last week, and I took the load.

That I sprained my ankle was not just bad luck, it was a consequence of being stressed and uncoordinated.

One would have expected that all the care he got after he had his knee surgery would have been a good example for how people should behave when someone has difficulty walking.
Nothing of that all.

I still need to have my back x-rayed (mopre than three months ago the doc requested that), but there's no chance to go to hospital to do so.
Last evening there was no chance to go to hospital with that anckle and it's sure no option to be away more than half of the day to go by bus to the doctors post at the other side of town.

So I sit here, trying to push away my emotions, with a person who has such a bad mood that he would be arrested when such thing for bad mood would be possible, and who moans and groans with every movement to make clear his knee still hasn't recovered from surgery two or more months ago.
He offered to cook, but sighs every time he pulls the spoon through the soup to stir it and hisses between his teeth regularly.
I know opening a plastic bag is a huge effort for a grown man, as is slicing a sausage with a sharp cook's knife.
Tapping off a spoon against a pan is probably an effort to break the whole thing into 12000 pieces, otherwise I can't understand all the noise he makes.

I guess he needs attention and this is his way to make clear that I've broken his routines.

It's his way to state that in his eyes I've changed his world of sunday.

Well, I'm secretly imagining that my Scotland dream has come true.
That I carry my bags over a small gardenpath, lined swith small little flowers, to an old door which is the entrance to a small cottage.
My own place, where it doesn't matter that the storm rages around it, because it's home.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

When We Was Fab

january 16 2010

1. Is there a blog as far as its appearance goes that you think is the most fabulous?

A friend had a good one, but it's gone.
Right now I'm so tired that I can't think of one.

2. Do you like the look and the contents of your blogs?

I like the look, and as far as the content goes: I do all I can.

3. Have you ever thought what would happen to your blog in case you died?

Print it for the children and then close it. Or leave it alive forever.
I have the password at a certain place, so they can find it and tell other people what happened.

4. Has any particular blogger had a great impact on how you set up and write your blog?

5. Would you want a fellow blogger to give you suggestions or criticism of what you write?

In the past someone read it and criticised.
Now I write for myself abnd I don't mind that other people see it too.

6. Is the number of visitors each day to your blog important to you?

Not for me, but it is for others.

7. What percentage of your readers do you think actual comment?

This time of year? Just a small number.

8. Do you have a favorite blogger who does the memes that you participate in?

Come on, I don't want you all to fight!

9. How often do you update your blog/site and why?

Seasonal update of the look, and daily posts.

Have a great weekend!

Want to take part too?
Click the logo.

Logo made by me with tubes from Pann's Place.
You can request the logo, but only when you will credit properly.

There's also a header and a square of 125x125 available.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Grinding with laane

january 15 2010

There are days I long to sit at my grandma's table and grind coffee with her.
The strong smell of coffee, the sweet light through the window and the soft smile on her face.

Wouldn't it be a great introduction for a meme?

Well, you're allowed to consider this as much.
When you want to take part, let me know and I'll send you the graphic.

Grind away what happened this week so you can start your weekend a bit better.

When everyone was gone to bed I couldn't even remember how today started.


The father of the children was mad because he had to wait for a girl to leave the bathroom.

We have a rather strict morning ritual so I quickly discovered the reason of the problem. He overslept and she thought he was already downstairs again, shaved and washed.
A few words from my side and they both changed their attitude.

I uttered a sigh when they were gone and tool the morning paper from the doormat.
I was hardly reading a word when the father of the kids came back.
He'd forgotten his key, because he had a call from his brother about the inheritance of his mother and brother who both died this summer.
He wanted the he ordered the money to be send NOW!
Well, as long as we're still getting bills we don't know which amount is truly inheritance and until the taxes have written that all is settled we won't split up the few hundred or maybe 2 thousand euros.
The guy acted like we were stealing millions from him. Like we would rob family.
Well, the whole issue has shown a quite evil character and I bet we'll never see him again after he has got his handful of euros.

Looking back it was good I suddenly had the feeling, at the end of the morning, to go on doing the housekeeping and prepare dinner.
An easy traditional dish with unions, carrots, potatoes, and sausages.

My autistic son used to enjoy playing world of warcraft. Last week he suddenly had no access and we couldn't fix matters, so we bought him a new account.
It used to be well worth the money, because he enjoyed playing so much.
But a patch had changed the game and it's now too easy and no fun anymore.
Gone the money, while we can use it so well for so many other things that are needed.
Added to it a boy that starts to moan and groan loudly, because he can't do anything else. I had a hard time keeping my patience and trying not to change into a world of warcraft myself. Ugh!

The girls had an extra hour at school and then went with a friend to her home, not telling which friend.
They came home late, through the dark,... from a place I've told them not to go when there's no one to fetch them. Kids have been killed on that road.
I hope ;'ve been clear enough, so they'll never ever hide the truth anymore.

Then the news came that my ADHD son couldn't get, at a lanparty, entrance to the same game as above. He'd also forgotten the code to retrieve the password.
Later it turned out his account was hacked.
I wonder why they play payed games..grrrr....

Long after dinner we thought to be able to drink a quiet cup of coffee.
We shouldn't have done that, because son 3 (PDD-NOS) came to tell us his video card crashed. He wanted to try to restart the drivers to see if it really crashed but he didn't know where he stored the CD.
Well, not here.

When we thought we'd left it all behind and we could go to sleep, my autistic son had one more try to make us give him money to buy entrance to a new game.

He's to sleep now.
Without the money.

So I'll guess we'll have a hard time tomorrow.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A place to live 8, but no place to learn

january 14 2010

Remember my son with PDD-NOS found a place to live on his own with some extra support?
He's made his apartment into a real nice home, even though he doesn't have all the furniture he wants yet.

He was finally admitted to the special college for individual education and was looking forward to start his course on photography next week.

A year ago a contactperson of the organisation which pays for education like that told his social worker and me that, in case my son would be admitted, he'd see no problems and would pay for my son's studies.

Yesterday it turned out it was just a fairytale.
They won't pay.

We can't believe this!

There's no way he's able to pay for his studies himself, nor can we.

All I can do now is write to charity organisations and hope someone will jump in.
For now we hope the guy who changed his mind was just caught by the winterweather and is able to change his mind again.
But when the rules and regulations are changed we can do nothing else than search for some organisation who takes the wellbeing of my son and his future serious and especially above money.

It took us almost a year to realise this, and just one week before it was supposed to happen ...

And what's worse: when he is not going to school he has to leave his appartment.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

dentist for autistic young people

january 13 2010

Some people honor the 13th even when it's not friday from the bottom of their heart.
One of my sons was confronted with a flat tyre of his bicycle and he had no money ready to go with the bus.
The children had to go to the dentist, so the bicycle was a great help to deal with the fear that this young person has.

My autistic son took the safe way.
He went along with all the preparations until it was too late to start to change his mind.
He just sat down and told us he was not going.

Well, we arranged that he'll go with me in february, told the dentist that in case he'll come along my son will get that appointment and the dentist will have a quick look in my mouth as a gesture and I'll make a new appointment for a proper check up.

It's the best way to deal with this, because when my son refuses again we won't loose money on a skipped appointment.

I've asked before for a special afternoon each half year for autistic young people only.
I don't think there needs to be much difference between normal check ups, but my son would feel far more comfortable going to something for autists.

When they came back there was a bit of thin snow coming down, but in the afternoon we got a nice snowshower, which turned the street and the black spots on the pavements white again.
The world looked whitewashed again.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

changed the comment system

january 12 2009

Due to the flux of spam I've decided to change the comment system from blogger into that of Intense Debate.

I'm sorry it requires you to log in. But please, please take the effort.

I will ask the team of Intense Debate to look into the matter and synchronise the blogger login with Intense Debate. (I wonder if they'll listen to just one request.)

My experience with the system is good.
I'm using it on another blog and I love the fact that with one press on a button all spam is moved to a spammap. A quick look to see if nothing is moved which isn't spam, and that's it.

I also like the fact that I can see IP's.
In case of spam it enables me to track spammers and contact their providers or report them to the authorities.

Maybe it might take some time to get used to, but I'm sure you'll love the system as much as I do.

Oh, and in case you want to install it too, it's very easy.
Even the HTML version is invented for dummies. Just copy your html and they'll put the code in it for you. Copy it in the right place again, and that's it.
When you don't mind a bit of extra loading time for your blog you can put a code in a widget.
Ah... it's so easy to blog these days!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Manic Monday #196

january 11 2009

What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

Hmm.. that's a difficult question.

Maybe I should change the fact that I think so much about old friends.
I think I'm out of their systems for a long time, but they're still in mine.

I also want to change doubting myself so much.
When I make decisions that involve the lives of others I always make them careful and selfless.
Yet, when something happens I start to doubt. I know it's human, but I have to tell myself consciously that I made the decision well, with the knowledge and experience of that moment.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

I do, but the last years I wonder if it's true.
I can't find a reason behind the difficulties I encounter in my life.
Other people have lots of fun and can do whatever they want, and I'm stuck with a family that needs a lot of care and attention.
Unless I'm on my way of becoming a saint and some divine intervention makes that very clear to me, I struggle with the fact that I really, really want to go on vacation, but that there's no one else to take over and no money to hire someone.

It's my birthday soon, and we don't even have the money to invite people due to the fact that the children needed extra things this winter, let alone I
ll experience a surprise party. Never had one.

What would be your dream job?

Hmm... I like Oprah's job, even though I would take some matters more serious. Like vaccinations and autism, and some other health issues.
When the job isn's available anymore I'll take over Dr. Phil's one. I'm a psychologist too and I have to say that I honor ethics a lot more.

You can also send me away as traveljournalist/photgrapher.

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Don't tell me, I already know... I'm stupid!

January 10 2009

Today my autistic son finally went away for some hours.
His older brother invited him over at the trainingshouse.

We didn't expect him to go, because he always finds a lot of excuses not to go, but playing games at the computer was a treat, I think.

Instead of leaning back on the coach and emerging myself in a huge relaxation mood, I went upstairs and started to clean the boys room.

Don't tell me, I already know... I'm stupid!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Call Me

january 9 2010

1. Who is someone that phones you routinely that you never seem to be up to talk to, but you are not ready to push them out of your life?

Can't think of anyone.

A few years ago we threw out the standard telephone connection and each of us got a cellphone. I was very careful giving my number to people, so I don't get many calls.

2. What is something that effects you deeply, to your core, no matter your mood or what else is going on in your life?

That someone really cares how I feel.
People ask "how are you" without thinking and never wait for an answer.

3. Tell us of something that relaxes you and always makes you happy.

Ballet did, and I miss it to bits.
Music does for a large part, especially improvisation. I don't care of what instrument.

4. If you could take the train from anywhere to anywhere, where would 'anywhere' be?

From here or the south of england to the north of scotland.

5. If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you like to see? 10 years? 100 years? A million?

For myself, well, 10 years ahead would be the choice, because a hundred is impossible.LOL!
But it would be great to see a million years in the future. To see how humanity has evolved, or has disappeared, to see how the earth is, if it's still there.

6. Did you do your shopping online for this Christmas, how did it go? Did things come in on time? Any significant failures? ...and if you didn't, will you consider trying online shopping sometime this year?

Online shopping is OK. We don't do christmas, and when shopping for Sinterklaas I like to buy something now and then in the months before it.
Any failures with online items are give-aways that never arrive. Probably because I don't live in the USA and people can't be bothered to be as honest to say that they're not sending it.

7. What people or projects are worth your time, money or effort?

I don't have much money, in fact I have none. So that's easy.
But I spend a lot of time on informing people about autism and high risk pregnancies.
In fact I've just started the search for parents who have experience with giving their children Abilify and seeing them gain weight.

You can help too.
Click the logo and read, and please spread the word.

Abilify and Weight gain

8. Think back when you were in high school. Are you proud of the way you dressed, or do you wish you could go back and change it all?

I had to do with what I gt from my parents.
It wasn't always what I liked.
But clothes were not as important to me as to some people.

9. Do any of your friends, family or co-workers know about your blogs? For those that do, did you tell them or have they stumbled upon it by themselves?

People know I'm blogging. The kids and their father know.

I've told about a blog in the past to a "friend", but she used the contect to spice up her own conversations and even used my blog against me. So I'm not handing out urls anymore.

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Friday, January 8, 2010

weather and computer

january 8 2009

The weather is the central theme today.

In Northern-Scotland a temperature of minus 22.3 degrees celcius were measured.
When I went to bed here in The Netherlands, at the other side of the Channel/North Sea, it was minus 14,3 as the lowest temperature in the country.

This weekend more snow is expected, and we'll have a lot of wind, maybe even storm.
I've heard so many warnings that when one of the boys came in I automatically warned for the weather of tomorrow. LOL!

It's very serious as ships are not allowed on the largest lakes of the country.

My computer is fixed and the programs are renewed. That means there's a lot to get used to.
I've also lost Paint Shop Pro, which is a great loss. Anyone wanting to donate so I can buy it for my birthday (27th) please do so. Each dollar helps. Thanks a lot!

I also have to update sites and give them a nice winterlook instead of the christmaslook.
First I'll put a new header in here. The old berries one.

Hope you'll like it again.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

top droppers of december 2009

january 7 2009

A bit late this time, but here they are, the top droppers of december.
Thank you all droppers, visitors and commentors.
You are very valued.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

and the three wise men

january 6 2010

It's three kings day, the end of the christmasseason.

We've made it through the darkest part of the winter.

Those guys were wise.

Maybe because they were able to keep a target in their lives to work to.
They were optimistic, were able to see a light even in the darkest night, and here they are: at their destination.
And boy what a sight!

It's such a pity that many countries conbsider christmas to be just one day, and months of preparing, thus forgetting that even autumn has it charms and it's own celebration.
Each year again I'm amazed that people are not able to live in the moment, are not able to appreciate the day they're living, but need something to divert their attention.

Those guys were wise, because they lived through it all, kept sight on their light, but struggled through the dessert and through everything else to get to the place they wanted to be.

Not much is told about their travels, which, in a way, makes me aware how unimportant life is.

Which is the paradox of christmastime:
the utmost importance of the small baby coming to life, and the unimportance of the way of life of those wise men.
But they lived their dream, lived what they needed to do.

The small child at the beginning, and the wise men at the end.

Like our christmastime.

As simple as that.

Time to get our tree down, de decoration in the boxes and embrace the way this new year is.

I'm sorry I can't change the decoration of the sites.
No access to my graphics yet.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

my computer

december 15 2009

My computer went to the repairman.
He fixed a few things and said windows needed to be reinstalled.
So a friend of the boys offered to do that, and couldn't.
So he contacted my oldest, who didn't like the fact that someone else had taken it upon him to do the repairjob...

Well, he's got a job and can't do it all. So I thought to save him the time..

It's never good, huh?

Well... it looks like I need a new computer very badly.

Because it's been such a stressful time without any relaxation, and added to it the stubornness of the psychiatrist to see my third son for who he is (I guess he thinks I'm stubborn, but I live with the guy for almost 19 years now)... so...with all this I decided to stay out discussions about my computer as much as possible.

That might sounds unrealistic, but I've made clear that I want my computer NOW, and I want the content preserved.
As some of you know I love to play around with graphics, love to design, and I enjoy helping friends out with their blogs and sites.
Tomorrow it's three kings day and that signals the end of christastime.
That means new looks, even though it's a pity to see the beauty of christmas go.

Talking about my computer also means that all those men and wannabee men show of their knowledge.
One knows better than the other and soon it's not about my computer but who knows best.
I can do without that "fun".

All those male and puberty hormones in the house is enough, I don't want to add more.

And then there's the issue about money.
All those kids have so many wishes, I should have chosen a millionaire as their father.
They each feel themselves so important, that I don't want to have a discussion about who needs this more and who needs that more.

The man in the house thinks he needs to do the taxpapers and a lot more moneythings. Well, I hardly need money for myself, so I don't think it's strange to buy something substantial to me, especially not because I'm celebrating my birthday this month. (27th)

Hmm, looking back on last year I really did buy just a few things. New trousers, new T-shirts, a blouse, and two bags from friends online. I didn't even buy make up, didn't go to the hairdressers or anything luxurious.
In fact the money to go to england was freed, but was never spend.

Hmmm.... no need to feel guilty when a new computer arrives.

I hope to be online in a proper way as soon as possible, so I can drop, comment, read my mails and do everything else that's needed.

Keep your fingers crossed...

Abilify and weight gain

We need your help to bring a very pressing problem straight into the limelight in such a way that no-one can deny the problem.
Lots of autistic children are prescribed medication which helps them in a way, but which also causes uncontrollable weight gain up to a pound per week.

I need to hear from parents whose autistic child is using abilify.

Help me find them.

Please display this banner on your site to reach out.

Click the banner to go to a place where you can download this 125 square.

Parents can contact me by using the contact button under the header of this site.
Please use: "Abilify and weight" in the subjectline so I'll catch your mail at once.

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Monday, January 4, 2010

Manic Monday #195

december 28 2009

What did you get in trouble for the most when you were a kid?

I was a very shy and obedient child. So I didn't get in trouble at school or at the playgrounds.

At home was different, but that was not due to me.
My mother was a very controling person and didn't accept anything. So a towel hung not precisely with the plead she wanted, a crumble falling from bread... name it, and it caused problems.

Which is your wish that is not yet fulfilled?

I've got so many wishes/dreams.
Right now my computer crashed I want a new one, a good one.
But above all I want to move away from this country to Scotland or somewhere else in the UK.
I little house in the fields is OK to me.

If you have to choose a movie title for your life story, what would that be?

No one to talk to,
because the screen doesn't talk back.

With 4 autistic children and no one to step in to take over my tasks, I'm stuck in my house except for the times when my children need to see their docs or psychiatrists.
The computer has become the lifeline to friends, and now it's broken and I can use the PC from someone else for a short time I feel really far away from my friends and from the graphics I enjoy designing with.

Logo made by me with tubes from Outlaw by Design.
It's permitted to download it to your own computer and upload it to your site.
Please don´t direct link, as it slows down my site. I´ll change the link regularly so you´re left with an empty space or a red warning sign.
Please credit properly.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

You Shook Me

january 3 2010

1. What celebrity would you just want to shake some sense into?

I don't know enough about celebrities to know who needs a shake.
I've seen quite some stupidity in the news, but I'm not even interested enough to remember a face or a name.

2. What do you think comes after death?

I don't know.
All I know is that I sense the good people from my life quite near me at times, and I hope it;s not my fantasy, but it's sensing there is something of a way to be in a spiritual form.
Maybe we all go to some form of spiritual being as part of a greater spiritual something.

Ask me later...when I'm dead. OK?

3. What is the first book that you can remember reading by yourself as a child?

It's too cold for my brains to work smoothly and remember that.
How does that sound for an excuse?
I don't know at the moment.

4. What was the first rock concert that you attended?

Hmm... rock... hmmm, I think it was an eastern european band, long before the wall fell. The best rock band was during the open air concerts that are given in town each summer.
The band made me dance... and I've always been good rock and roling. The bandleader thought it great that someone dared to dance with so many people around and extended the good numbers just for fun.
We had a talk later. Even got a beer. Nice guy.
But I don´t know the name of the band. Never cared to know.

5. If you were to suddenly become famous, would you choose a stage name? If yes, what would it be?

Isn't my name good enough?

6. What is the one thing that you wish the media would stop talking about?

About things they haven't researched well.
Vaccines and autism. (Wakefield faked the connection, but people are still in the religion)
And those Dr. Phil opinions about my country. Maybe the usa and we use the same words, the content and meaning is different. Like for instance euthanasia. He thinks he knows it all. He doesn't. Even though he's a collegue, I think he goes way beyond the borders of the profession. Well, I can understand:

7. If you could be part of any band, which one would it be and who would you be and why?

I've been part of bands.
Played the flute when I was young in a starting marching band, which is one of the top of the country now.
I sang and played flute in a folk band. Long long time ago.
Played guitar in a small band that sang number like: "Long long time ago".
Sang in a band a few years ago, all sort of music.
And as a bagpiper....

I would love to sing in a jazz and bluesband.

8. Do you live close to your immediate family members? If not, how far away are they?

Well, some of my family members lived in town, but I've never had very close contact.
They certainly never jumped in when I needed some help when all the children were small.

Now they're living outside town and all is the same.

9. Last seasonal question (promise): What did you do on New Year's Eve?

We watched TV, talked a bit, ate traditional food.
Then we put on "the clock" on TV, and counted down with the people on TV, and sang ourselves out of the old and into the new year with my favorite melody of a beloved singer and artist who died in 2009.
When the new year started we raised our glasses, said our wishes and those who had fireworks (2 of the boys) went outside, and we watched all the nice fireworks outside.
Then we waited until the Big Ben chimed the new year, yelled Happy New Year again, and all told each other that in the future we'll be there (in the UK).

Happy New Year!!

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

heating repaired, computer broke down....

januari 2 2010

Well, after a very cold night I took the audacity to have a go at the heating myself.
We're renting this house and the owner should have the number for emergencies on his site and phone. Yea.. well... they are both "under construction". With other words: "We're not going to spend any money on your problems, solve them yourselves."
Don't think I'm misinterpreting this, I don't. They're that way.

I didn't dare to mess around with the heating in the evening or the night.
But I did switch out the electricity, however, and turn it on again, and it made a partly reset. But we still had no hot water and no warmth.

In the morning I didn't mind working on the problem. Mainly because I remembered the name of the heating repairman and we got track of his emergency number, and because we could see our way around the house far better in case something might go very wrong.

Well, I did what I thought best, fumbled around with the codes of the thing (Yep I write down what I did), and it worked.

But now my computer has gone cold on me.
I can use a PC, but I'm missing all my bookmarks I use for EC, and it's slow, so adgitizing isn't a joy anymore.

Plus I might have lost most of my graphics designwork and fonts.

Ugh... the idea makes me sick.

It's just the second day of the year, what can we expect with such a beginning?

Friday, January 1, 2010

The first day of the year

january 1 2010

Happy New Year!!

I hope lots of dreams come true this year.

We had a nice change of years.
All kids were at home and there were no irritations at all.
We watched TV, eat tasty things and the traditional foods, were dressed up a bit, and then sang with the tv one of my favorite melodies of a beloved singer and artist who died last year.

Counting down, glasses with bubbles without alcohol, the wishes.

Then we opened the curtains and through the golden streamers for the window we saw the fireworks.
With each light we saw the snow on the branches on the trees. And it snowed a little.
It just was like one of those views on lovely romantic christmas houses on old fashioned christmas cards.

Ofcourse 2 of the boys had their fireworks and they went with friends to have fun.

Here we had a nice time with the rest, waiting for the change of years in the UK.
It's a tradition that started when my dad was still alive.
Because he'd been in the RAF in England during WW2 and had dear friends in england he called right at the change of years we listened to the BBC in the years before we could receive BBC1 on TV. Later we always watched.
Even now he's dead so many years the traditions is alive, and the children will take it to their children.

One of the main joys and disappointments of last year was going to england with my oldest. It never happened, which was sad.
We now agreed to try to take the girls this year to show them london and if possible more of the country.
Maybe one of the next years will be even more interesting in relationship with the UK, because he considers going to live there. Maybe somewhere near or in Bristol. He can earn with his diplomas far more in the UK than here.

So our noses are turned very much to the UK. We need jobs.

I don't have more plans for this year.
But for the first time felt the need for some resolutions. Which is kind of strange for me.

Well, I want to follow my intuition more.
And I hope my autistic son will finally find and accept the help he needs, so I can have a life of myself too.
I want to stand up more for autism. I want to have better diagnostic procedures all over the world, more care, more living facilities where autistic people can be themselves, and far more understanding for families with autism.
I'm sick of people who tell me I've got a difficult family with 4 autistic kids and then walking away. Don't tell me what I already know.

New years day was not as good as I hoped.
The father of the kids had a mood, and it was not positive. I felt like a policewoman for the largest part of the morning and afternoon.
Guess he went to bed too late.
Problem is that he doesn't acknowledge that, but behaves in a way that makes me feel looked down on. He criticized all I said and when we couldn't push on the heating as fast as he wanted, (it always takes a long time before the thing responds) he took the thermostat and put it outside, telling us that when it took on the lower temperature the heating would respond faster.

Well, it didn't.

But after the usual amounts of attempts it did.

When he wanted to take hot water for the dishes (his turn) he got water that was ice cold as the way he treated us today.
Turned out the heating didn't respond at all anymore.

So it'll be a cold night, and tomorrow morning I have to tidy the attic first before the repairman can come.
It's a mess because I had to take the christmasstuff and had not time to do that nicely. always hunts after you.

Well, most kids are to bed now.
Their father has swallowed his bad mood, maybe because he can't look down on me anymore. I'm the one who has to solve problems like these. But he keeps on commenting how things work and not work. Well I guess some men need to feed their ego with indirect verbal abuse of the people around them.

Well, let's hope the waterpipes don't freeze.