Tuesday, June 30, 2009

She said: "Because it's good for you".

june 30 2009

The weather changed into almost tropical summer.
First, saturday afternoon, the town was flooded with rain. We were lucky to be just outside the worst. Only the lettuce in the garden was completely destroyed again.
Then we had a few horrible humid days and now the sun is shining full and happy.

When I decided not to go on a vacation to england the family sighed from relief and I got a lashback I'm fighting against. I really looked forward to going. So I feel horrible. I just hate my life and I thought that realising a dream would enable me to cope better with the day to day stress of the kids and all the care and lack of it around them. Well, they need so much that I should be happy to be able to eat.

Thought to phone the doctors practice to check whether it was really possible to get my blood checked today.
Got the unkind desk assistant.
One way or another she drags me into feeling bad each and every time.

She told me that today wasn't the day to check my blood.
No problems with that. I thought so.

Then I asked her for a labform so I could get my blood checked at the lab tomorrow.
No, I needed to make an appointment with the diabetesnurse.
That means being told I'm overweight, like I don't know that myself, and get all that info that is all over the internet.

And I'm told to lose weight.
I eat perfectly healthy, in fact I still eat the same as when I got diabetes, and I was 55kg then. My diet is minimal.
I grew fat when I started to use the diabetesmedication, got cholesterolproblems and all that. Just on the same diet.
So don't tell me that losing weight will improve the diabetes.
Obesity isn't the cause of diabetes, at least not in my case. It's a consequence that makes me hate myself.
I was a ballet dancer, and inside me she's still there.

So I kindly told the desk assistant that I didn't want to visit the diabetesnurse.
She started to insist, I told her that I don't have time to show up at all these appointments.
She said I should... I asked "who says so". (The doc doesn't...)

She told me I shouldn't get irritated.
Then she threw all her power in the discussion: "It's good for you. The nurse means well with your health."

Oh my gosh!! She said: "because it's good for you". LOL!

I took a deep breath and told her that I'm at an age I need to be able to take care of myself and that I want to take care of myself. So, please would she tell me where I could get that labform...

Then the discussion stopped and she needed to know what should be on the form, she would ask the doc for his signature.


I still don't know where to get that form. LOL!

We used to have a special system on the wall at the old building.
We don't have it here.

Later I got a letter in the mail stating that my ADHD son needs to meet that impolite business doctor again. (He wanted to see my son last friday but we cancelled it because of the funeral.)
Ofcourse I don't feel like accompanying my son to someone who treated me like dirt. (see here).
His father offered to go.
Let's see if the guy dares not to give him a hand. LOL!

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dangling on an open bridge

june 30 2009

many tourists love the open bridges in The Netherlands, but the inhabitants have to deal with the lesser pleasures.

When someone sees the bridge will open soon, it means loss of important time, and the driver of this car thought he could cross the bridge in time before it opened up.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Manic Monday #174

june 29 2009

What is the longest love relationship (partner) you have had, and if it has ended, why?

I don't count love in years.
And "love"... what's love?

I married after 1.5 years of seeing each other every day. We studied together, ate together, and changed into living together in the same house and spending the nights too.

That's 29 years ago.

The love changed into loveless gradually when I realized it was not love that pushed him towards me, but convenience and pleasant habits.
And those pleasant habits.. well..., they disappeared.
I turned out to be married to someone autistic, who didn't care about my feelings.
Instead of partying at our 25th wedding anniversary we were at a lawyer to divorce.
We didn't finalize it when the government changed so many things regarding financial situations of divorcees and regarding child care, that it was clear the divorce would deteriorate the lack of care for my autistic kids even further.

So we're in the same house now for 29 years, with the agreement we'll legally divorce as soon as I meet a new partner.

I doubt I'll meet someone new, but it would be nice to be hugged.

What is on your bedside table?

Alarm, small basket with thingies like lipcare. Some old letters, some giraffes from my collection (one keeps my glasses on his head at night).

How many pillows do you have on your bed? Do you make your bed every day?

6 pillows, but I sleep on 2.

You're cheating...these are two questions.

No, I don't make my bed every day, but I pull it straight, so that almost does the job.

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Monday Crazy Questions

June 29 2009

1. what would you say is your biggest blessing ?

The twins (two in one.)

2. do you shop on line...Home goods or personal items? Can you tell us what personal items you look for??

Something for myself when I've earned a few dollars.

Right now I'm looking for a totebag that's fun, and almost 55x40x20 cm.

3. Name a song from your past that you have always loved. what year was it recorded?

I like so many songs for different moods.
To be honest, I don't care when they are recorded.

4. If you found out there was a pedophile living in your neighborhood, would you take any action or ignore the fact??

Considering the fact that so many mistakes are made in judging people, even in court, I would take no special action upon the warnings I give my children regularly.
Most problems regarding child's safety come from people who are known to the parents and the children, so not accepting certain behaviour should be a lifestyle.

5. If you could live in any city In the USA...what would it be.

I don't know, because I don't know the cities of the USA.
Because I now want to move out of this place I say I'll never want to stay in a city again.

6. what is the one city you wouldn't live in even if you were paid to!?

Many cities. There's too much noise, pollution and too little nature.

7. If you were strapped for cash would you ask a parent or sibling for money?

I've never ever done that, even when I have nothing to eat for myself at dinnertime but a slice of bread (which happens regularly).

8. what is your most favorite thing to do to relax when you are not working?

I feel like I'm always working.
I love music, playing with psp7, talking with friends online.

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Probably not going to england

june 28 2009

All my life I've zipped away my feelings and as far as I can see I have to keep up sticking them away.

I don't think I'm able to leave for England for a vacation.

There's not enough cooperation here, there's not enough money to pay for a decent B&B or something like that, and too many things still need to be done after MIL died.

She didn't leave an inheritance.
There have been some moneyissues discussed, but I'll leave it at that, because it has nothing to do with us and it's in the past.

Problem is that the whole house needs to be cleared and we live quite far away.
One of the boys doesn't want to help and has withdrawn himself from everything, one of the boys has special needs and promises to do things without doing them.
So that leaves us.

Instead of taking three days free from work (his boss told him he was allowed to do so), and calling those who need to fetch things and ask our boys to help clean the rest, my advice is pushed aside and everything is stretched far into july.
That means the kids will be alone here when I'm in England, and that can't be.

The few days in London, friday and the weekend, are not the main reason to go.
I know London and I like to be there, but the hotel that was booked for us is noisy, in a neighbourhood I don't desire and the room is a 4 bedroom one. Me and my son are sharing it with people we hardly know.
I wanted to put up with it, because I wanted to go to the english hills and spend a week relaxing, but when I can't have a bit of minimal confidence things will be OK, I'm not going.

I feel very sad about this.
Can't find words for it.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

High maintenance

june 27 2009

1. If you know someone who is interested in you happens to be high maintenance, are you as likely to date them anyway?

Well, it depends on what this high maintenance is about.
I'm not a slave, nor do I want to be the only one doing the work in the house. I'm doing that now, and I'm exhausted.
I also want time for myself, to do my own things.
When high maintenance means quality time, then I'm OK.
I don't mind a person with a disability, as long as he's caring and good for me too.

2. Do you get more frustrated by your home being in a state of disarray or your workplace being in a state of disarray?

My home is my workingplace. And with so many people with special needs and no help at all, ever, it's a mess at the moment.
I can't keep up with everything anymore, especially not when there are so many appointments as the last months and a funeral in between.

I have learned not to care, because that would be the source of stress any day and that's not worth it.
But I get frustrated when visitors come.

3. You decide to go to the grocery store where you don’t expect to run into anyone you know. How dressed up are you likely to get?

I'm always looking OK when I leave the house.
It's not that I run out after swapping the floor.

4. Take the quiz: Are You High Maintenance?

You Are Low Maintenance

Compared to most people, you are incredibly easy going.

To be honest, you are truly a breath of fresh air.

You are open minded about trying new things, and you're not upset when things don't work out.

You are willing to go along to get along. And your attitude helps you truly enjoy life!

Imagine, I couldn't even answer the first question because I cut my hair myself.

5. How important is it to you that the person you would date would be roughly “in your league” lookswise?

Well, I don't want him to be extreme right or discriminating in any way.
I feel strong about the hospitality of a country and I think that when we allow people to emigrate to the warm countries or to countries where they can get richer, we also should allow the fugitives and people who want to live here to do better than in their homecountry.

I can't deal with people who are intolerant.

6. Do you prefer spending more on a birthday gift for a close friend of having them spend more on a gift for you?

I always feel uneasy when I get a big present.
We don't have much to spend, so I never give something expensive.

But when I'm truly honest, I would love to get an enormous present once in my life.

I've never had a surprise party, and I think I'd love it.
And I would love a millionaire to jump in and give me the dreamvacation of my life or my own place in Scotland.

I do have my silly dreams you know. It's the little girl in me. I can't silence here.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

just blogging a bit

june 26 2009

She's buried by now.

I don't know if the family is already in the train going home or if they're still there.
Ofcourse I couldn't go, because someone has to stay with my autistic son.

I thought it would be a good time to sow the bag for england, but when I got the machine, the electric step thingy wasn't in the box.
It should be somewhere.
I can only hope none of the boys cut the wire off.

Didn't sleep at all last night because it was so warm and humid.
Everyone had a bad night. Some out of fear they wouldn't wake up in time to catch the train for the funeral.

Bad weather is coming our way.
Have to get the laundry inside...

Food 4 Thought Friday

june 26 2009

What is your favorite part of the summertime?

I love the early mornings, when the air is still fresh.

How was this week different than others?

My MIL died at father's day.
The rest of the week the funeral was prepared etc etc.

What did you think of Michael Jackson?

He made a lasting impression when he was young.
Sure, he was talented, but I'm not as impressed by what he did than many others. He was a product of his time and already had fame to rely on when he moonwalked and made his famous numbers.
He wasn't the first who did the moonwalk. I've seen it done in WW2 movies.

I've always had a sad feeling when I saw him.
He made me think that his self-acceptance was about zero and all he did to improve himself was just a kind of helpless and desperate action, again and again.

Since yesterday evening the number of fans has risen tremendously.
Those who gossiped about him, and those who believed the worst, now suddenly call him the best ever.
This makes his death even more tragic.

I hope he rests in peace.

I also want to remember Farrah Fawcett who fought such an intense battle against cancer.

Midnight Snack
What do you have planned for this weekend?

Nothing yet.
I need to find a suitcase or a travelbag for my trip to england.
Need to find an affordable place to stay from july 15 tot 22 somewhere in the hills, not too far from London, so I can finally get some rest.
When I don't find something I'll be back home after 3 days of London. Ugh.

Recipe for the Week
(instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week?)

The best artists are often overlooked.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

More attention for a dead person

june 26 2009

This week has been far too busy due to the death of MIL.

The father of the children went to her house a lot of time to arrange the funeral, to help his brother who has special needs, and to arrange the emptying of the house.
I did my part here. Took over his duties at home, informed the kids, wrote the eulogy, made lists and dealt with everything else, including paperwork for the kids, etc etc.

Ofcourse I sat down with my autistic son a lot of times. He got plenty of attention.

But I don't give in to his eating problems, like his dad.

This evening he was fed up with the change in routine and the lack of his favorite crisps.
He was asked once again whether he wanted to go to the funeral (in that case I would be able to go too).
Ofcourse he said "no".

It was silent for a while, but the air around him was trembling.
Something was emerging.

Then suddenly he got very angry and yelled:
"You all have more attention for a dead woman than for an autist that's alive."

At that moment the world was unaware of the death of Michael Jackson....

Monday, June 22, 2009

Going to England... worries

june 22 2009

I'm looking forward to going to England.
After 40 years finally a dream comes true.
Ofcourse a lot has changed. But I'm sure the essence of the country has stayed the same outside the large cities.

Me and my 23 year old asperger son will arrive at july 10 before breakfast.
In the afternoon we'll check in in a, what other people consider, noisy hotel, in a 4 person bedroom my son and I have to share with a couple we barely know.
Well, there's no room for complaining because the flight and the bed until the 14th are paid.

That's the reason I'm going.
Maybe this is the last chance to go to the country I've considered my home when I was young.

I'm worried though.
With the death of the MIL, we're faced with a lot of unforeseen expenses.
Adding to that, one of the boys has broken his bicycle to such extend that he needs a new one, and my second son, the one who wants to become a photographer, needs to have an expensive camera for his studies.

I'm afraid I won't have money enough to stay a few days longer and it brings me to tears.
The images that are still in my head are not only from London, but also from outside London.
It's impossible to visit all those places again, but a little bit of hills and nature should be on the agenda.
Just to relax after 23 years taking care of autistic sons and after more than 30 years living with a partner who is autistic too and doesn't see my emotions one little small bit.

Today I started putting together the things I want to take with me.
When I see people pulling huge suitcases behind them I feel stuck in my teenage years. Well, the meds need to go now, and the size of my clothes is larger, but beyond the very basic I'm not able to see what needs to be taken with me too that requires so much space.

I was looking for a small suitcase, as handbagage, but the things are so expensive. Then I wanted a travelbag.
Now I just take one of my regular bags, put my stuff in it with a camera, my passport and extra glasses and that's it.

Before yesterday I wanted to sow a nice tote bag. But I don't have fiberfill, and it takes too much time to go to town.

So all will be very basic.

Just me and my son going to england.

Wish I could find an affordable place to stay in a nice area with hills not too far from London. I'm dreaming of staying somewhere outside London from july 15 tot 22.

Wish I would find a sponsor so I could enjoy my first vacation in 23 years just like anybody else...

Woohooo... is there a millionaire hearing me who wants to sponsor me??


Sunday, June 21, 2009

She passed away

june 21 2009

She was born in a large family, married to someone who wasn't accepted by her family, and got three children.

Her life was tragic.
A husband who never trusted her.
He was as paranoid that he wasn't able to let her go to the physiotherapist, without questioning her about the man who left through the same door.

Through the years they got a balance in the way they both perceived the world.

When they met me, history repeated itself.
I wasn't accepted, was followed in the streets to control me and often I was told their son should have married M, a nice girl living in the neighbourhood.

Ofcourse I assumed that the first grandchild would change the world.
I was wrong. The distance between both families only grew larger.

When her husband died we thought things would change.
In a way it did.
She got more social contacts, was able to go shopping and have fun fitting dresses with a family member.
She saw some of her grandchildren before her mind started to dwell in the past and moments of the present faded away more quickly than they happened.

Ignoring herself, her happiness and her wellbeing had become such a way of life that she detected her cancer far too late.
Surgery last week should have brought her more time to experience freedom, but instead she became agitated, wanted to go home.
The last image of her is one of goodbyes.

While her son walked away to go home, wondering whether she even knew who had been there, she leaned on her stick and suddenly clearly asked him to greet her grandchildren and me.

It was her first and last effort to tie a knot between us all.
Maybe a way of giving forgiveness a chance.
She bridged the gap of time and place.
I hope we both smiled.

In a moment of delusion she ripped open the stitches and caused herself so much harm that she needed more surgery.

This morning the hospital told us that they wanted to speak with the sons.
We expected this would be her last day.

In the evening she slowly passed.

She never regained consciousness after the last surgery.

I'm so glad that at least death was kind to her.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Never Say Never Again

June 20 2009

1. Do you like James Bond films? If yes, what’s your favorite?

No, I don't.

2. Are you daring enough to go snorkeling in the water fountain at the mall?

We don't have a water fountain there.
I probably would control first for legionnaire's disease before even considering it.

3. Do you sometimes hate everything and everyone around you?

Who doesn't?

4. Do you secretly or openly believe the world revolves around you?

Haha! I grew up knowing I wasn't the center of the world, so I know my place.
I can deal with being the center though.
Here in the house I do everything and also orchestrate the whole lot.
Will be interesting to see how they cope when I'm to england. (The girls organized to stay with a friend. LOL!)

5. Would you rather buy a moped or a Harley Davidson?

Please, am I allowed the use the money for my trip to england? That way I could visit Scotland or stay at the lake district. (dreaming...)

6. Do you water ski or ice ski?

Neither. Water skiiing is far too expensive and ice skiing can't be done when there's almost no ice and we're living in a flat country.

7. Tell us about the last time that you tailgated.

Have to look up what that is.
You mean driving too close to another vehicle?
So that's another meme that can't leave the car out.

8. What was the last concert that you attended?

Bagpipe concert of the band. That was last year or maybe even the year before.

9. What’s the most exotic food that you’ve ate?

Dunno. Think it's sushi made by a japanese cook.

But I might have swallowed an occassional fly on my bike. Ugh!

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Am I allowed to be tired?

june 19 2009

Another day too full.

I could hardly get out of bed this morning. My muscles just didn't want to. But I had to.

After all the meetings and appointments of this week work needed to be done to create at least the idea of a decent house.
I feel like a hotel owner who has to do the job all by herself.

In the afternoon my autistic son arranged a job application... and wanted mom to come with him.
Amazing what money can do!
He doesn't dare to look a teacher in the face, hates shopping, doesn't want to leave the house for something pleasant. But because we had no money to pay for all the games he wants he filled in an online application and was invited for a talk.
Ofcourse the guy told me to leave... can't hold his hand when he needs to put items on the shelves. LOL!

When we arrived home again I was so tired that I felt like I'd left my legs outside.

As soon as dinner was ready a discussion started about the mobile phone.
I switch the thing out when I'm not able to take calls or when I can't hear it.
But the father of the kids wants me to be available all the time.
He nearly got a fit when I told him that I was busy when he tried to call me. And he nearly got a second fit when I told him that I'm always available by mail.
Didn't reckon he would tell me that I should check my mail every 15 minutes. (OK, my time to have a fit. LOL!)

Well, with being available for the family 20 hours of the 24 I think I'm doing enough for my family. Don't you think?

Then he got a call.

His mother had surgery a few days ago.
After that she's been very agitated and obsessed to go home.
They had to sedate her.
Yea, well, only after they called here and we had to explain it takes about 4 hours to get there, so we were not able to calm her down.

By the way they described her behaviour I suspect brain damage.
Well, today she managed to pull off the bandages and rip the stitches out.
I have to say I wasn't surprised. When they call the family to calm a patient down instead of managing that themselves, they sure won't keep close watch of when the sedation wears off and she gets agitated again.

So she underwent surgery this evening, after waiting for a slot because of an emergency.
Do we have to wait for a lethal infection now?
Her son is sleeping now and I'm near the phone...in case of..

I wanted to organize a give-away with a sponsoring option to find some money for my vacation in england. But I'm just too tired.
Maybe I need to get a job when I'm there....

Food 4 Thought Friday

june 19 2009


What is the largest burden currently weighing you down?

It's not one, and there's not one largest.
But when it only concerns me and not the children:

I have a ticket to go to england, but almost no money to spend. So no fancy buys nor presents. But what worries me most is that we don't have a place to stay between 14 and about 20 of july, and no way back home yet.
Now there's just a few weeks left before going, I'm starting to worry a lot. I even worry we might not even go.
Which would be devastating. I've longed to go to England for 40 years, and I haven't been on vacation for over 23 years. )I know, I know, I should have married my first love. He´s terribly rich and still has that special smile. LOL!'


Do you have any family vacations planned this summer? If so, where?

Family vacations? Never. Not with 4 autists.
It's daytrips for those who want to go, so that's mainly the girls.


What is one thing you must do before you go to bed each night?

Brush my teeth.

Midnight Snack

Where is the last place you went?

Oh... that must be last year...Hmmm, can´t remember.
Oh yes...a meeting about my kids! Surprise!!

Recipe for the Week
(instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week)

Enjoy the preparations for a vacation. So when you´re not leaving after all you´ve had the fun.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

A teacher bully

The girls came from school yesterday and wanted to speak me immediately.

Turned out one of the teachers.. for drawing/arts ... found an IQ test on internet and used it in the classroom.
He had them score it and then exposed the two lowest scores.

Turned out that my dyslectic daughter and a friend had the lowest score.

They were ridiculed and put down.
Everyone was laughing.

None stood up for them.

Both girls were almost in tears while telling it all.

This morning I wrote a letter to the school's director.
This kind of bullying is unacceptable.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Oh no! he's not going?

june 17 2009

Son nr 2, with PDD-NOS, finally got a second chance to go to a special school to become a photographer.

After a lot of problems with his "mentor" who didn't know how to deal with him at all, his application was rejected.
With his social worker I went there and we had a long meeting.

After that he had a talk with the psychologist and all looked well.

Until this evening.

His nervous got a grip on him and he has decided not to go.

His dream is to become a photographer, but he can't sit in a school-ish environment.
He feels he's sitting there, doing nothing for hours.
That's not true, but that's how he feels.
He feels locked up.
But he has to be there, showing he's interested in learning.
He doesn't see the use of it, as he has learned himself so many things already.
The school though, wants to observe him.
But he doesn't want to be observed.

Get the picture?

There is nothing we can do anymore.
We went through it all in the past, a few weeks ago. So often. So many years.
We can't go on talking to him like we're brainwashing him. It doesn't work anymore.
He rejects help.

I feel terribly sad, because he throws away his own future.
But he's grown up, and he wants to take his own decisions.
It sounds harsh to say he should deal with the consequences himself, but he should.

I know I have to take a step back, and I'm taking a huge step back.
It's a bit too large for my feelings though.

With normal children one sees the outcome of what one has invested.
But with kids like these, sometimes there's surprising progress and sometimes there is none at all.

At moments like these I feel that all we have done for him the past 19 years has disappeared.
I want to yell at him and tell him he should just go and don't make a fuzz, because things like these are part of human life.
We all have to do things we don't like, and we all have to proof ourselves one time or another.

His younger brother got the same message this afternoon.
And maybe, maybe he can get his older brother accept this truth of life.

Well, tomorrow morning we'll see whether he goes to that school or throws away the future he wished for himself.

A months or so ago that mentor had a go at me for mediating between him and her.
I involved his social worker in the matter.
Now I feel I have to leave things to her.
Not because I'm lazy, but because he has to realize I can't be his external motivator anymore.
I taught him all I could, and this lesson belongs to the curriculum of life.


He went. One hour too late. Ugh!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

june 16 2009

Just a cup of coffee between work.
Within 15 minutes I'm supposed to be on my way to the next appointment.
To motivate myself I´m listening to some tango´s.

Yesterday I went with son nr 3 to hospital to have an EEG done to rule out epilepsy.
It was a pleasant experience.

The two young women who had to glue his head full with electrodes were brandnew.
Their supervisor was a woman I´ve known for many years.
So we had a pleasant conversation and when we needed to be silent we none felt awkward, but enjoyed the peace.
My son almost fell asleep, he said. But looking at his EEG he was asleep.

Afterwards we got a quick hand. A shreeking contrast between the relaxed atmosphere before.
The supervisor has her business face on.
Well, I´d already seen some developments in the EEG that indicated epilepsy, but I couldn´t see if maybe they were induced by the person behind the computer.
So we just have to wait.

Now I have to get ready to accompany him to school to get him some assistance by finding a place to work for his practical tasks.
He quit his former place.

He was completely right in doing so. The school agrees, otherwise he would have been thrown out.

This morning two new appointments slipped into my agenda.
It´s just tóó much together with caring for the kids, getting a household of 8 running.

When I´m in England I don´t need bed and breakfast, but bed and lunch.
I suppose they´ve invented it already.

(Looking for an affordable place to stay with my 23 year old son somewhere in or not too far from London, from july 15 to 20.
Please help me out!!!)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Manic Monday #172

june 15 2009

What is the last song that was stuck in your head and how did you get rid of it?

We'll meet again of Vera Lynn.
We sang it when we parted from the family my father stayed with during WW2, and now I'm going back to England it pops-up in my mind over an over again.

I'm not doing anything to get rid of it. No need.

If you had to say what one thing in your life best represents your freedom, what would it be?

My thinking, because it's completely my own.

But apart of that it's my music at the moment and it has always been my ballet.
Wish someone would invite me to make another choreography.

If you were invited to the White House for dinner tonight, what would you wear from your current wardrobe?

Well, it depends on what is expected from me, and from what still fits me.

I love black trousers and a swirly kind of blouse/coat. It's black with a tie and die of dark blue in the lower part. It has wide sleeves. And I wear it with a beautiful blue scarf.

Ofcourse I can also wear my scottish outfit and take my smallpipes with me. (The bagpipes that are not so loud, but make a mellow sound.) But I'm not living in Scotland yet.

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june 14 2009

Not even a month and I'm in England.
I can't wait.

It's been 40 years ago I visited the family my father stayed with when he served in the Royal Airforce in England. We lost contact when my father died, because my mother somehow "lost" his address book.
I wish I'm able to meet people who knew him during WW2. He served in High Wycombe and Wolverhampton and other places I don't know.

With my father I visited London elaborately.
Like many tourists we waited in line for hours to see the crown jewels, and visited many of the places that are on millions and millions of photos all across the world.(Makes one wonder why people still take photos. LOL!)
We also went where tourists usually don't walk. The streets in the small villages that didn't belong to London in the far past and now have disappeared in the large world city.
It was like stepping back in time, walking in the scenery of an old movie.

In a way it was.
He told some war time memories. The nice ones.
The worse ones came later, when I was grown up and his army chaplain enjoyed visiting my little children.

That summer his warfamily and their neighbour took us all around Great Britain.
I assume they never expected they would pave the floor of my strong feelings of home I longed for when I was back in my own country.
So many memories were created that I could nothing but long for the hills, the lakes, the accents, sausages and smells.
Some days I wish I'd win a large sum of money and I could take my children to all those places where people smiled at me and the sun and rain looked down on me.

How I wish I could travel freely and without worry to all those places that'll have changed with time. But the winds will blow the same in Wales at the coast, where I stood like someone ripped a page from a book, they will blow the same as when I stood on the hill in the lake district and knew where I belonged.

All those people, I think they're gone now.
But I know the places they loved.
They showed them with their hearts, and I've cherished all that love with the same intensity all those years.

I would love to find the place where we looked out on one of those beautiful panoramas near Kendal. I would love to speak the language of the black country again with the old miners that still sound in my mind.

Reality is harsh though.
I can't go everywhere.
My budget shrinks every day we near departure.
Like always the children go first.

I'm happy that at least I can walk the streets of London again, and maybe take the train to see more of the country that I hope will be my home in the near future.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


june 13 2009

1. What is the dominant color in your bathroom? Have you coordinated rugs, towels and the shower curtain to match this color?

No, we don't have rugs, and it's impossible with so many people to have all the same towels.
That's for later...maybe.

2. What part of the bathroom needs the most attention from a cleaning crew?

Nothing. I clean almost every day.
I certainly don't need a cleaning crew, and besides that, they won't be able to work all in the bathroom. Maybe they're just for standing there, like wooden puppets, so the kids can't go in to make things dirty again. LOL!

3. How many rolls of unused toilet paper are waiting in the closet?

In the closet? Or beside it? At the moment...eh...5 I guess.

4. Check out the linen closet: which do you have fewest of: bath towels, hand towels or wash cloths?

When you mean with bath towels the extremely large ones, then they are in the minority.
When you mean with hand ones the very small ones, then they are just not in the minority.
I have lots of wash clothes and normal towels.

5. Take the quiz: What Bathroom Product Are You?

You Are a Comb

You are expressive and outgoing. You like to experiment with your personal style.

You are imaginative and very visual. You like to look good, and you're attracted to beauty.

You are creative and design oriented. You redecorate often, and you like to make yourself over.

You are inventive and extremely original. You do things differently just because it feels good.

6. Of the products in your medicine cabinet, which brand have you used the longest?

Might sound strange, but we don't have a medicine cabinet.
Those who are above 18 keep their own meds safe and clean.
Those under have it downstairs.
We don't have many other things here, Just something against insect bites, paracetamol,and what's needed to clean and dress wounds. We keep it downstairs, because that's the place where the most accidents come in.

Want to take part too?
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Friday, June 12, 2009

A strange sense of waiting

june 12 2009

Finally some sun.
After the rain killed all the new plants and the vegetables I'd so carefully sown we can use a bit of brightness.

With a coffee, sitting on the couch with the paper in front of me I caught myself waiting.

Waiting for what?

The application for daycare for my autistic son is postponed a bit.
Turned out that the social worker gave me the wrong paperwork!

So I've filled in all those forms I hate all for nothing.

As compensation she's going to fill in the right papers.
Well, this will only take more time.
I hope my autistic son would be able to start working at the restaurant far before the busy vacation time, but it's now obvious this won't happen.
Now he either starts in the busy time and maybe considers the place far too noisy and backs out, or e starts after the vacation so we'll have no day without stress all those weeks long.

What bothers me too is that now childcare will be involved.
They have to decide about kids up the age of 18.

I don't want them in my house, I don't want them to judge over my family and me.

One of the reasons we never requested a grant or any financial help was that we didn't want those people involved.
I've heard so many bad stories.
Moms who say that at times the burden is too much and are confronted with a court order to have their child institutionalized.
Tell me, which mom never sighs that she can't deal with it anymore?
We all do, and after that we smile and go on.

One of the kids just came in and told me that Madonna is allowed to adopt another child.
I wanted to adopt a child, but because we were above 40 the files were closed.
She's 50, and she can take another child home from Malawi.
It gives me a strange feeling of not belonging to this world, where rules and regulations are more important than people.

3 of my kids have their life put on halt because of forms, meetings and all those other elements of bureaucracy.
  1. One because the wrong forms were used. The information is all there and will be all there, just at a different place, at a different piece of paper.
  2. One because that son tested with a higher IQ than required
  3. One because he needs someone to help him with some things at school and the person doesn't work until next tuesday. Oh...and that person has forms to fill in too.

Clouds are shifting in front of the sun, but clear blue can still be seen between them.

Maybe I'll sow new vegetables this afternoon, when the laundry is on the line and some things that really need to be done are done.

A month from now I'm in London. Don't know where my oldest and I will stay after the 14th.
It depends who wants to see me and when.

And I have to decide in what suitcase or bag I want to take my bagage.
Only handbagage. So the right size of tote bag would be best, instead of a small suitcase which weighs a ton. But where do I find the right size of bag and get it here in time?
I have to make it myself, but there's no fabricshop near where I live.
Well, we'll see.

Finally, after all those years, I'll be in england again.

I can't wait.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A place to live - 4

june 11 2009

Got a mail from the social worker of my second son.

The organization where my son applied for protected living hasn't accepted him.

We'll get an appointment for a meeting in which they'll explain their motivation and help him find something else.

I know they'd rather have him at a place out of town, which is far less desired by young people because it's in a very small village somewhere out in nowhere.
He'll loose all social contacts he has.

He took the message very calm.
Yesterday I told him I didn't expect positive news, because I assumed they would have called him to invite him to tell which apartment he wants.

I myself am disappointed, both for him and the rest of the family.
We're needing more space.
Him leaving would mean that one of the boys could move to his sleepingplace, and that would create far less stress. Now both my autistic son and my son with ADHD share a room. It's the worst combination possible.

Another blow in the face.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
to be continued...

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A complete new experience.

Son3, with ADHD, dyslexia and autistiform behaviour, has been working a couple of years at a large shop.
Everybody was happy with him, because he took so well use of the hyperactivity. In the same mount of time he did sometimes twice as much as others.

But the combination school and work, doing lots of overtime, took it's toll.
He looked very bad.
But he kept on working.
Until he reached the age of 18. The age they want to get rid of the employees, because they should earn a little bit more according to the law.

Then they tried to get rid of him. It didn't work, because there were no legal ground to throw him out.

The last time they tried my son was ill and he was not working because the local manager thought it to be a risk to have him on the workingfloor when he was examined for epilepsy.
So again they went the unlawful way.
I told them, using the law. I told them that the law wants a person to be seen by a doctor first.

Last week they wanted us to be there far too early in the morning, so I canceled.
Today we had a better time, meaning less time traveling.
About 1,5 hours.

We arrived in time. Meaning 20 minutes waitingtime before and 20 minutes waitingtime after the appointment was scheduled.

A guy, the doctor, came and called my son's name.
We were so relieved it was finally time (waiting when you have ADHD should be paid, as it's difficult to sit still.) that we jumped up, grasped our bags and coats and walked towards the guy.

Being just my own friendly me, I stretched my hand towards him to shake hands.
He looked the other way, stepped aside, ignored my hand and said: "No, not you, I'm going to shake his hand first." It was said in a rude way, and I felt very offended.
"Well, etiquette says a woman should be greeted first.", I joked, and kept smiling like a statue in the bright summersun.

I saw a flash in his eyes and he replied very hostile that he decided to give a hand to my son first and he had nothing to do with me.
"Maybe I needed to have told you I'm his mom". Then he started to throw all sorts of remarks over me which were very impolite and aggressive. And walked away to his room. We followed him.
He kept talking the same rubbish.
I asked him whether he treated all his clients like that.
"No, only those of the AH." (This is a chain of grocery shops where many young people work and are treated rather bad. It's also the shop where my son works.)
It was clearly no joke and it gave me the feeling he had preconceptions about the people working there.

We sat down and he told me that he didn't want me there, he wanted to speak with my son, and alone with him.
He didn't tell me, he just threw it out with full aggression and as impolite as he could.
"My son asked me to come with him, and I might have some valuable medical information for you which will shorten the length of this consultation."
"I'm not going to discuss your son with you. He should have written a consentform before. And since I don't have it. I won't discuss matters with you."
Clearly the guy was wrong. Those forms are only important when the person is not present, but in this case my son was sitting beside me. I told him so.
The way he reacted made me think his testosteron had exploded.
Again he said things that were offensive and said to underline his high standing.
So I asked: "Are you having a powercontest with me?"
"No, but I'm telling you what I want to say", and he went on insulting me.

When this would have been one of my boys I would have told him to leave the room and not to show up the next two hours to give me time to calm down.
But he was far worse than any of my boys at the height of puberty.

I was thinking about a way to end this unbelievable situation when he suddenly told me that I was keeping things going because I had an answer to everything. I should stop saying something when he had said something.
That was funny, because I was silent.
It was like he had a delusion and was talking to someone else who had been irritating him his whole life.
"I'm wasting my time, it's ten minutes now we're talking like this. You want a say on everything"
"Yes, and you want to have the last word", I replied. LOL!

Again I told him that his behaviour was a disgrace to for him and his profession and that I never ever had to deal with someone who acted that way.
I refrained from telling him he needed to be checked out, because that might make him explode even more. I also decided not to tell him to act like a gentleman in front of a real lady (Yep, I am one. A real one, yes.)

In the meantime he kept on raging, which gave the whole situation a kind of out of space character.

"Well, it's clear you can't handle a situation like this in a proper way. You're only insulting me in an aggressive way, and you feel like you've got a lot more status and power than anyone else. I guess you need it.
I'm not putting up with an attitude like this by my children, nor by my husband. In fact no one ever talked to me like this and no one behaved like this in front of me. I'm not putting up with this anymore.
In case you lack medical information, you only have to reflect on the absolute mess you created.
I'm very happy I've never ever treated a client like this in my whole life, and I'm sure I never ever will.

And I left.

The walls and door were made of glass, and I tried to slam the door behind me.
Oh, it would have felt soo good when the glass would have broken, but it didn't. There was a safety device on it, so I couldn't even slam the door. Ugh!

Then I bursted out in tears.
I'm not used to that, so that gave me the impulse to go to the secretary and ask a form to complaint.

I did.

I'm very happy I didn't call him any names. I'm not like that, but in this case it would have been very appropriate.
At the moment I still feel a bit amazed and alienated by this experience.

When my son came out I didn't even ask for the outcome of his talk with that doc.
Ofcourse the guy would have given him permission to stay at home until the results of the neurological exams.
If this had not been the case I certainly would have had grounds to make life difficult for him, because he had rejected medical information.

When we were in the train he told me the guy behaved distant but polite to him.
The guy asked him when he could call to get the result of the neurological examinations.
My son told him: friday at 19.00 hours, and gave him his father's phonenumber... because his own phone didn't work well.

Why did the guy agree with that time?

Friday's at 19.00 hours my son's father is tired as can be. At that time he's in a crowded train on his way home.
I'm sure he'll tell the guy to call him at 21.00 hours or during office hours.
Or maybe he'll tell him he won't discuss matters about my son without a signed consent form.

We'll see.

I'm glad I stayed polite, relatively calm, and that the guy didn't win his self chosen battle.
He shouldn't have messed with my scottish stubborn genes.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A place to live - 3

june 9 2009

My second son is diagnosed with PDD-NOS.
He's a very creative young man.
20 he is now, and he's completely ready to leave the house and live on his own.

Apart from his PDD-NOS, or when you want to, as part of the autism spectrum syndrome, he's delayed in development a couple of years.

To help him overcome the troubles of living alone with his personal challenges, we decided it would be a good idea to go to a supported living environment.
There's one here in town, near our house, but with a bridge in between, so there's a psychological barrier between that place and us, but no barrier between his friends and him.

He really needs his group of friends, all on the autism spectrum, and they need him.

Problem is that that place is for people with a lower IQ.
But...with the same needs for support.

After filling in a tremendous pile of forms, which drove me nuts, we had to wait.

I had quite a lot of confidence, because my son's social worker called the organisation and they allowed him to apply.

After sending them all the paperwork the social worker of my son was told that my son was not part of their client description.
She put up a fight, because they knew that before we got the forms.
With a bit of pressure on her side, stressing the fact that he has the same needs, is delayed in development, and hasn't got a schooldiploma (which is another story) they decided to discuss his case like all other applications.

To live there, he needs to go to daycare or school.

He applied for a special school to become a photographer.
There the person who was assigned to be his mentor wasn't aware of what autism really is. (There's a difference between having followed a two day course and being able to support someone with autism in real life.)
She didn't want to invest in my son and rejected him from the school.

We put up a fight, and now he's able to show his abilities.

So all is ready for the move of my son....except the welcoming letter of the board of the living facility.

We know that there are plenty of empty apartments, my son got pots and pans from our former neighbour, I was even able to talk him out of taking his ugly couch with him. Which was quite a job!!

But we need to know if he can go there.

Today is the big day.

It's 12.10 and I hope they had a morning meeting so I would be able to tell him myself he can go before I'm leaving with one of the other boys to the doctor of his work. (Which is at a place that's too far away in my eyes.)

I'm almost bursting from stress.

We are all ready for our son to move.
On top of that, I don't know what he's going to do when they reject him.
His disappointment will be huge!!

Please keep your fingers crossed, pray, light a candle.

Part 1
Part 2
to be continued...

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Manic Monday #171

june 8 2009

If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?

When I was young I wanted to fly.
No doubt about that.

But now? I would make a great clown.

In Cirque du Soleil I would love to create a fairytale of colours.

Would you generally be overdressed or underdressed at a party?

I'm almost always overdressed.
Or completely different dressed.
A party is for enjoying to stand out in the crowd, unless it's a special occasion for someone else.

Do you feel that children should be sheltered from unhappiness?

I feel that children should be able to believe in fairytales. Their phantasy should be stimulated as much as possible, because it's the basics of creativity and problemsolving.
Children should be able to be completely happy, so they can practice happiness a lot and be able to grasp happiness easily when they're older.

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Monday, June 8, 2009

This is aweful!!!!!!!!!

june 8 2009


People coming in your country,
destroying the peace of your village,
creating huge roads stinking vehicles pass,
taking your trees,
so your shelter is gone,
and the shelter of the animals that live there.

Your way of living is destroyed,
because the animals and plants that provide your food are gone.

The balance between you and nature is gone.

Local protests and protests on TV won't help.
So you take a stand.
You're going to stay in front of those
who are destroying your country for money.

The phoots that are hidden after the link I'm going to give are not nice.
They're bloody, showing violence and death.

I saw a face I often saw on TV.
He was the one who made me aware that the jungle of South America is an economic battlefield.

He was the one who made me educate my children about the fragile equilibrium between humans and nature, and that it's the duty of our generation to say "no" against economical gain at the cost of tribes and against robbing Mother Earth.

My heart cries out for the man who stood up for his rights and for the planet.
He should be a person who get's a Noble Prize.

Now his blood, and the blood of his friends and families,
is thrown around by people who just don't care.

By people who think they deserve more than others.

We're talking about recession when we have a roof over our heads and enough on the table.
We should be ashamed.

And I am.

These people stood up for nature and the next generations of all of us.
They stood up for the lung of the world.

I'm ashamed that those who did this call themselves human beings.
I'm ashamed that people consider economical goals more important than the lives of people who lived in balance with nature.

I wonder how we can stop the degeneration of humankind.
It's not only nature that loses,
it's all of us.

Here's the link. You're warned.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Not going to the ballet performance

June 7 2009

The girls had their balletperformance yesterday.

My autistic son expressed the need to go and see them when we were talking about ordering tickets.
So when we were in town we got a ticket for him too. The girls had to make a true effort to get us a place as the performance was already sold out. But because I've danced at that stage so many times she turned and twisted things and came up with 3 tickets.

In the morning I waved the girls goodbye and in the afternoon I dressed up.
Son showered.
Then I got the bright idea to ask my 3rd son make sandwiches for us to take with us (strange time of performance). That way they both couldn't argue etc etc.

Well he told me straight in my face he wasn't going to do that.

It was right the opportunity my autistic son was waiting for.. he told he wouldn't go with me. (Dad was supposed to come after accompanying one of the other boys to a special event).

Whatever I did, I couldn't make him go.
And as I can't leave both boys together at home, especially not in that mood...

I got rid of my nice outfit, undid my hair and just went normal mom again.

I am so very angry at the moment, I can't tell.

The girls should have had their mom present.
And I should have had the chance to be proud of them.

They already have to leave so many things because of autism,
they have to deal with so many things....

I hate this ugly face of autism.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Daily Ridiculous

june 5 2009

I'm convinced I can fill a whole paper with ridiculous events that took place that day.

Today I got a letter from the doctor that has to review the ability of my son to work.

It's a long story.
He works in a shop where they try to kick out all workers when they're ready for a rise in payment. Keeping their workers young means you can tell them to do whatever they want and when they talk back you just throw them out.

Not my son!

Their first try was to sack him when he came back from being very ill.
He phones me, his father confronted the management with their mistake after I asked them for the license to kill a career before it even began.

The next day he went to work.. the invitation to be seen by the doc was canceled before it was even printed.

The second time they told him in his face he was sacked both for his work and his practical part of school.
I changed the date on the letter, changed some grammatical constructions and mailed the letter, asking for a meeting.
They though mom was harmless. LOL!

They denied he was sacked. But my boy was not on the roster, didn't get payment and had no invite from the medical department of the company.
We agreed he would stay at home with sick leave because epilepsy was suspected.

This time we got a letter he was sacked.
But someone on sick leave can't be.
It comes in handy to have a computer to look up the law. LOL!

A mail and a call was enough to make clear that the law requests that a doc sees the worker first and when the worker refuses to work a license to end the working relationship can be requested.

So we got an invitation to go to the doc.
We had to be in the middle of nowhere in the center of the country at 9 in the morning.
Mean we would have to leave before the birds were singing to find us a train to take us there, during the worst hours to travel.

I tried to mail them, but the guy told me he wouldn't send my mail through, because the manager of the shop needs to inform them.
He told me to phone the manager, we couldn't reach at all for days.

I was first amazed, then angry by the bureaucracy.
He completely refused to send my mail through!!

Then the father of the kids got in touch with the manager, well, one of his assistants. The one who sacked my son...

This morning I got a letter in the mail.
The invitation of the doc.

Because of unforeseen circumstances he had to replace the appointment (of yesterday) to next tuesday at 15.30.

Some people really have a way of turning things up and down...

It's My Party

June 5 2009

1. Do you prefer to host or be a guest at a party?

I've hosted enough parties, even at university.
So give me the joy to be guest.That's OK.

2. Would you rather go to a large party or a small dinner party?

I love to dance, so it will be a large party.
I'll also see more friends there, have the chance to escape boring conversations and I can be more myself.

Small dinner parties are not my choice because of my experiences.
Sitting with people who are talking about subjects I don't care for, gossiping about people I don't know....
No, that's not really me... even though I love good food.
But when the only joy is complimenting the chef...

3. What is you worst flaw?

Who told you I have flaws? LOL!
My worst....***digging***.. eh.... being too idealistic and fighting injustice too energetic?

4. What is you best character trait?

Leaving the honor for things to others while I did the job or created the plan or idea.
But I'm working on that.

5. What habit in others annoys you?


6. What qualities in others do you admire?

Being a mom and doing housekeeping while having those long perfect nails.
It does seem strange for me to admire that, but how on earth can they peel potatoes and do the laundry with those nails?

I like people who are able to take everything out of life, who travel and do, while I'm stuck here.

7. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?

Outside: peel age of me, please.
The real me: I have to be less modest. I'm working on it.

8. Do you tend to be shy with strangers?

Sometimes people consider me to be shy, whereas I just don't feel like talking.
Sometimes I'm absolutely not shy at all.
Dump me for a tremendously large audience and I'm OK.

9. Do you prefer to lead or follow in a group of people?

Most of the time I'll turn out to become the leader.
It's natural.

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Michael Buckholtz gave autism a 30 day hunger strike

june 5 2009

I've had a very busy day, with a meeting, voting for the european union, arranging seats for the ballet performance of the girls and a lot, applying for a bank account for my trip to england, and a lot more.

Then I waited for news from Michael Buckholtz who was ending his 30 day hunger strike for autism.

I'm glad he came through it in good health. I hate it when people are on hunger strike, but he was not changing his mind when he started so I expected him to "sing it out".

The media were withholding their attention far too much.
Ten years ago it was far more easy to make them write an article. (Well at least I annoyed them well.)

But the local paper of Macon publicized an article about Michael and made a video which you'll find at the right top of their page. Here.

I'm so happy for him!

You can buy the book or donate money after the hunger strike too.
He updated his blog until day 29 here with text and videos.

Well, I'm off to sleep a bit.

Canceled the morning appointment of tomorrow...what a foresight.

Thank you!!

june 5 2009

First I want to thank all who supported Michael Buckholtz during his hunger strike.

And I want to thank my topdroppers, who stayed with me, even though I invested more time in promoting the autism cause of Michael than dropping.

Computer Aid
The Way I See It
On The Bricks
Silver Sachet
Welcome To Bob's Blog
A Happy Marriage
Lazy Bear Blogs

And a big thank you to my twitter friends!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Do you care? Or not?

June2 2009

Today Michael Buckholtz is on hunger strike to raise funds for autism families for 29 days!

All this time I've tried to make people take notice and react.
Apart from a small group of people who cared for the subject anyway, no one really bothered.

Until someone told me yesterday that a hunger strike was a bad example for her children.
What if they would go on hunger strike to get what they want?

Her tweets were:
"I never understood hunger strikes. I always thought it was silly & a threat a child would make. It doesn't relate to the issue." "maybe we don't have any other news to cover other than hunger strikes :) I think there are better ways." "do we teach our children 2 go on a hunger strike when they need 2 solve tough issues or get attention? just makes one look nuts"

I asked her twice to offer better ideas.
No answer though.

No answer.......

Do you know how often autistic children are told they are ill-behaving and are raised badly?
Do you know how often parents of autistic children are told they're bad parents, they should discipline their children more?

With 4 autistic children I lost track of how many times people told me that.
Some went silent when they met my girls and saw what a wonderful young women they are.

I'm quite willing to tell people autism is a neuro-biological disorder.
I'm even quite willing to tell people that even though my boys look normal they're dealing with autism spectrum syndrome and they suffer from it when people don't accept their special needs.

But I'm not willing to accept that there are parents and teachers in this world who are not able to see autism in their children, because society expects their children to show problems because they're living in lower socio-economic conditions.
All children with special needs in this world should get equal care and support.
And countries realize this. They send money to the poor countries.

But why don't they take the effort to hear the calls for help in their own country?

Well, Canada does.
The media broadcasted the story about their hunger striker for autism. A father desperate to get ABA therapy for his autistic child. I saw a tired man sitting in the pouring rain. 3 days on hunger strike and getting attention.

But the USA media just don't care.
Only Blogtalkradio devoted time and attention to the subject.
But none of the main shows, which I mailed personally.

I bet they're not aware how many parents of autistic children are potential listeners and viewers.
And I bet they don't realize how many children need an open path to happiness.

I'm angry because people don't want to accept responsibility for what goes on in their world.

Autistic children can feel happy when they're properly diagnosed and receive proper support.
Mobile teams would be able to reach every child in need of diagnosis, would be able to reach every parent, family member and teacher and give them the information and teach them the skills to support the children in their development.

No need to pay enormous amounts of money for all sorts of socalled therapies, because knowledge enables parents and teachers to guide the development of these children as far as possible for considerable less costs for society.

And as equally important: these young people will acquire the skills they need to be happy and contributing members of society.

Michael Buckholtz is on hunger strike to raise funds for people who can't afford to get their children diagnosed and who can't afford the adjustments in education and support.

I'm sure we, bloggers, could make a huge difference.
A few dollars as a donation, or even just one, would add up to an enormous sum.

There are so many etsy artists online, so many people who can miss 1 or 5 dollars.

Why not ask me a special button/square, like shown at the autism site, and donate a bit.
Or write to your local paper, TV station or your favorite show.

We really need to spread the word and we really need to get the media to listen.

You do have 5 minutes for a child, do you?

5 minutes....just 5 minutes to make someone happy...a lifetime long.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A lazy day, well some sort of...

june 2 2009

I decided to have an easy day today.
Yesterday was enough for a whole week. LOL!

Don't think my lazy day is as boring as yours.
It never is.

After sending the girls to school a whole house was waiting for me.
Like I'd done nothing before, the last months.

Now the laundry machine doesn't work the laundry of 8 people is piling up.
I don't think we have the money for a new one, so I have to do it all by hand.

Between twittering and washing my hands dry out terribly, and I'm sure I have to soak myself in detergent to get the overall picture again that my hands belong to my body. Mummyfying will be best.

No vacuuming thought, no folding laundry, but dropping ecards to make people notice the strike of Michael.
I've targetted some newsagencies. Maybe they want to take the story. But the plane crash is the main story today.

Quite in line with the theme of the day the mail brings an invitation for a peace conference. Wow!

But I want recognition for the hunger strike of Michael.
More people tweet about it, and some invest sincere time to bring others to awareness.

The day develops into one of those hot, humid, sticky summerdays in spring.
Some silly pidgeon is ruku-uing the whole day in one of the backgardens. He gets no answers at all.

My autistic son keeps complaining about the others.
It's a kind of stimming and it never stops.
I'd better call today a crazy day.

But then I'll get an opportunity and I jump on it with full power.
After many more mails, the wife of Larry King tells me she'll look into the hunger strike of Michael.


The ugly, the bad and the good

june 1 2009

It was one of those days that should be forgotten.

The day started out quite well, with one of the girls leaving for the swimmingpool. (The other went yesterday).

Problem was that his non-royal highness (the father of the children) thought he would go to town to shop with boy4 (Yep, the autistic one).
But even early in the morning it was clear it would be a very warm day. So I already expected no foot of him would ever reach to the centre of town today, let alone two.

Soon after my first cup of coffee the complaining began: it was too hot, his shoes didn't fit well when the weather is good (hmm..., I had a swollen foot last week), he had nothing to eat, ofcourse the shops he likes wouldn't be open, etc etc.

In the meantime I was mailing my followers at Twitter to donate just $1 for the fund of Michael Buckholtz (will make 1200 dollars), causing my wrist to hurt as bad as hell, but who cares? A second cup of coffee and I went on, until I decided it was time to negotiate a quiet moment between my autistic son and his dad.
Dad was irritated that his plans fell through, son was irritated that his father kept on pushing to go.

I thought this would be it for the day, but it wasn't.

Part was my mistake, because I pointed out that there were leakingmarks in the ceiling and that the bath needed a new silicone border.
It was like I said an elephant peed in the bathroom and he needed to clean it up with a cottonball.

Twitter threw me out for 24 hours at my autism account for making too many movements in an hour. Well, it's for a good cause.

The day went on, with a feeling that any moment a vulcano would burst under our house.

My autistic son started to complain again.
I just ignored it, which works best, but his father started to respond to it.
He just sucked the energy in and suddenly he got extremely angry.

What a pity he hasn't got a pacemaker, because I would have pulled out the plug.
He threw something away, which hit my head, so I couldn't go on motivating bloggers to spread the word about the hunger strike.
I said something, and was told to shut up in such a way that I couldn't stay silent.

There's a fine line between being angry and being abusive, and in my eyes he crossed the line.
I'm not a second class human being.
And I don't want him to feel he has power over me, because I have nowehere to go.
And I certainly think he shouldn't argue with the children at their level.
He's old enough to act as a grown-up.

I hate these situations because it's clear that he's angry because his plans won't be realized and that his autistic need to follow his plans and routines is frustrated.
He doesn't acknowledge his autism. Fighting against the obvious, trying to stick to a self-image which isn't clearly not right, causes bad feelings. He knows it. But his male ego....

Well, we're on the list to take part in a research program to find the genes for autism. I bet they'll be able to extract a full bowl of autism genes out of him. LOL!

I used my energy and frustration about the behaviour of both of them to drop entrecards and get the hunger strike even more on the blogger's map.
But in the meantime I was asking myself if I really can go to England next month.
Maybe it's better to stay at home and keep supervising all these people who are not able to take the responsibility for their own actions, because they're not able to see how they deal with others.

Going to england is realizing a dream I kept for 40 years now.
I lost contact with the people where my father stayed during WW2, when he served in the army, but I haven't lost the feeling of being at home there.

It tears my heart that I should have to decide to stay at home because the father of the kids is not able to act as a grown up.

When I came back at Twitter someone told me she felt like I spammed her.
There are always people making good things seem negative.

But there were also people who told me they bought Michael's book, would blog about the hunger strike, donated at least 1 dollar. Someone said she would donate $3 from every sold item of her online shop.

Everyone is asleep here... so I'm off. Bye!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Manic Monday #169

june 1 2009

Imagine you're packing a picnic lunch. What would be in your basket?

Stuff against insects. LOL!
Depends who's going with me.
The children like different stuff than a good friend.

Right now I can do with a good friend.
And he likes cinnamon tea.
So it'll be cinnamon tea with real cinnamon sticks. Homemade cake with chocolate. And thin sandwiches with salmon, which he'll probably won't eat, but I will.
And a box with pieces of very old cheese. The one with salt cristals in it, and a little bit of salt water in the holes.

And for each of us a soft cushion for under our heads when we watch the clouds and point out to each other which figures we're seeing.

If your life were a weather vane, which direction would it be pointing right now?

South. Had a rotten day.

What's something that people do in traffic that really annoys you?

I'm riding a bicycle, so I'm annoyed with fumes right in front of me.
And loud house music when I'm just enjoying the quiet.

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