Friday, January 23, 2009

Me and patience ...thinking aloud

januari 23 2009

Thank you all for your comments.
Right now I'm exhausted, so I'll be at your sites later.

Someone commented on my patience.

Me, patient?

I don't feel that way, even though I often act that way.

As soon as my autistic son senses I'm impatient, he's on my case.
Since his former school didn't take his emotional needs in consideration, he comments on everyone who doesn't.
In a way he requires constant understanding for hís needs, wants and emotions, and he has only a bit of an idea how someone else feels when he's completely quiet.

You can say I'm one of the best actors of my time. LOL!
(I can't wait to try it out on stage, so please inform me when there's a part for me at As The World Turns. LOL!).

I've been asked how I keep on top.

Strategic thinking and skills in problem solving.
And I'm not a person to panic easily.

A few years a large car accident took place right in front of me.
So while looking into the cars I put my bicycle aside, even locked it and put the key behind the zip in my coat.
In the meantime I knew in which cars people were moving and where not.
There were injured people in at least two cars, and out of one someone bleeding badly stepped outside.

Without conscious thought I found myself telling the ambulance service on the phone that at least 3 ambulances were required, a policeman to divert the traffic and a doctor living at the same road alerted, because he could be used rightaway.

Then I went to help, gave my phonnumber to the police so they could call to make an appointment to get my witnessstatement and I went home.

At home I started cooking and only when everyone was asleep the emotions overtook me.
I had a headache for 3 days.

Now I'm a bit older I can't put my emotions aside as good as I could then, but when it's needed.

I'm not sure if my way of dealing with the children is real patience. Maybe it is, maybe not.
All the time I feel on guard.
I feel responsible for them, responsible for a quiet home.

Because I'm dealing with this so long, and I started out with a good background (autism was one of my special subjects during my studies), I know what works and what doesn't.
And I know that when I loose my patience (you need to have it to loose it, uh?) things get out of hand soon and it needs far more effort to get things and people calm again.

So in a way it's brains that keep me on top.

In the past I could dream of traveling, about performing again...
Always I told myself I would start singing the blues and sing jazz when I would get 50.
Oh well, I sing the blues, and jazz and sometimes even a fado.
But performing is a fading dream, as is traveling.
As is dancing the tango with a handsome guy who can deal with my temperament.

The last year I had lots of patience with the council representative and other people dealing with my autistic son, but I feel I don't want to be patient with them anymore.
I want them to understand the condition of my son, to understand autism and the needs of people with autism, and when they don't want to open up themselves I want them to leave and leave me alone.

So I feel more impatient.

Tuesday is my birthday, and I've been reflecting on myself a lot the last weeks.
I don't like my life, and I don't like the way many people deal with life.
People are so full of their own opinions that they leave just a little space for other people to be themselves.

I feel caved in by what other people expect from me, on the other hand I've gained just enough self confidence to be myself.

My daily life is a constant struggle to keep in touch with who I am and attending to the autistic needs of my kids and their father.
I'm lucky to have two girls, so I can be a normal mother too.
Within limits. There are things outside the door I can't do with them: no attraction parcs and things like that, no full days shopping and giggling.

In a way life seems to be a waiting game.
Only when all the boys have found their place in life and society, there's place for who I am and for who I want to be.

By that time I'm too old to climb mountains, for free falls out of a plane, for paragliding.

I guess I have to wait for another life.

Yes, I'm patient after all.




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