Wednesday, December 3, 2008

no slaps - potty training and respect

december 3 2008

The way one deals with motherhood says a lot about someone's character and maybe even about the future of the child.

I've never slapped my children, let alone gave them a, what some people call, "good" spanking.

Lately I've had a discussion with someone online because I commented on her slapping her child to get him potty trained.
The result was a kind of child abuse promotion from her friends coming to her rescue.
Disgusting!

I don't slap my children for several reasons.

One of them is that I don't own their bodies.

What I do with mine is up to me, but what I do with theirs is completely different.

I feel I have to respect their bodies, at least to teach them their bodies deserve respect and no one, not one person, should abuse them in any way.

A slap is a way to bring a message across I can't bring across in another way.
So to me it's a sign of failure.
It's an easy way to get something accomplished without having to look at myself and ask myself why I can't influence my child enough to make it do what I want.

There are so many ways to bring messages across, that I wonder if mothers like those lack the creativity and knowledge about their child to find a peaceful way to get things accomplished.
With my girls I've found out that having a very good bond is enough.
They know I won't ask something without a reason.

One of them was a kind of easygoing when she was younger, and I sometimes had to use my brains and intuition to motivate her.
Promising to do my best for things she thought to be important was often enough.
I got her potty trained by showing that washing her clothes was taking time and resulted in my being later to start cooking and me being more tired too.
As she thought her dinner to be important, she wanted me to put energy in it, so returned the energy by trying to be a potty trained girl.

Even the boys, who lack understanding for the feelings of others could be trained without slaps or anything else that hurt them.
I kept my self respect and my children kept their respect.
How?

By signing of suns on a chart and promising to feed the ducks together.

When people say they spank children to make them behave, I think they should ask themselves a lot of questions.
Ignoring the fact that a child might feel hurt, says something about ignoring a child's need to feel save and cared for.
You can't erase a slap with telling the child you slap him because you love him.

Or do you accept your husband slapping you because he wants a well cooked meal this weekend and wants to motivate you?

Wrong example?

Really?
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19 comments:

  1. Hi Laane,

    Kids are way different from grown ups. First, my husband don't slap me because i am a good cook and i take care of my family's needs very well.

    What i am just getting at is, i only spank my son if it is really necessary and that is very very seldom to happen. Take note, i don't spank him every time he makes mistakes. I try to talk to him as possible as i can, but if he is getting over the limit then that's the time that i spank him but not too hard, enough for him to realize that he should mind me as his mom.

    I am very sorry if i offended you, and because you offended me too. But i understand what you are trying to say, we were born and brought up in different countries and raised by our loving parents in a different ways. So i must say that, we have our own ways of raising our own children as well.

    Thank you so much for opening this to your blog. I would just like to let you understand my side, but since we are both have different ways, then we should stick to it because we think that, that way is the best for our dear children. Again, thanks for being so open.

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  2. Hi Laane.
    Only know I found this is your blog, and I´ve been visiting it for quite some time (dãa, to myself).
    I totally agree with your positon on this topic. I´m against any type of violence because I know it´s not the right way to educate a child. Violence generates more violence, point.
    Like you mentioned, creating a strong bond is the way to go.
    I potty trained my girl that way too.
    Another example I have in my life is my mother in law, she raised 15 children without ever slaping them. I have 18 nephews and they were all educated by this standards. They´re great kids and 3 of the oldest just completed University. And this is just an example from my experience of life.
    I truly belive in negotiation and reforce.
    Great to meet you. I´ll be visiting you more often.
    A good Wednesdy. Mizé.

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  3. I tried to post my comment here Laane but it didn't go through. Maybe you disabled your comments?

    I am so sorry if i offended your feelings though, you offended me too. What i am just getting at here is, if only the spanking is necessary then that is the only time i should apply, but i rarely spank my son because he is smart enough to know if he is getting beyond the limit. Take note, i don't spank my son every time he makes mistakes if that is what you are thinking. I try to talk to him as possible as i can. He gets spank from me very very seldom.

    You are a very interesting person Laane, and i learned something from you. Indeed, we have so much different ways of we raise our dear kids. So why don't we do what we think it is best for them? In that way, we are not offending each other's feelings. Thank you for posting this entry to your blog, you opened it up and i would like you to know what's in my mind and want you to hear my side. I love conversation like this because i learn from other mothers like you.

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  4. hmm.. i agree with you but with this parent, maybe its a cultural thingy? maybe it's alright for their culture to spank children that's why they don't see where you're coming from.

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  5. Laane, I'm another one who did not believe in spanking or slapping while our kids were minors. Now they are all happy, well adjusted adults with a couple of them married with their own kids. They are following in the no slapping or spanking policy. It make me feel good that we instilled that value in them. I can't help but chuckle when I see oldest grandbaby (age 23 months) start misbehaving and mommy calmly says "Is it time for a timeout." If grandbaby continues the countdown starts at 5. Even at that age this method works amazing well without having to resort to violence.

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  6. Thank You! I think I know what post you are talking about. I came across a follow up on one of her other blogs last night. It actually gave me a nightmare. I have a zero tolerance for hitting and actually posted about this today at http://mftawk.today.com
    I'll be interested to see what kind of response I get from the author of the original post that disturbed me so much.
    Have a great day!

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  7. I totally agree. I wish I had had this type of guidance when my children were small. Parenting is a hard job and not for the faint of heart.

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  8. i so totally agree with you. i wouldn't slap my children or my husband or allow him to slap me. thank God he is such a kindred spirit and he wouldn't raise a hand, let alone a finger on me. parenting indeed is a tough job but if we want to raise our children well, we must endure.

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  9. 100% right!
    Keep doing such a nice job!Way to go momma!
    xo

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  10. Hi Laane,

    I got a message for you. Click this link. Thank you and God bless!

    I Learned That

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  11. First off I have to say that I'm a little confused by this comment: " First, my husband don't slap me because i am a good cook and i take care of my family's needs very well." So if you make something bad for dinner or forget to do a load of laundry then it would be ok for him to slap you? Is that what you're saying? I'm sorry but this makes no sense for you.

    I don't understand the logic behind spanking at all. I don't see how anyone thinks it's ok to hit the little people that they're supposed to be protecting and nurturing.

    I actually had a discussion about this the other day with my 8 year old Aspie. He was really misbehaving and I sat him down and told him we needed to come up with a solution to the issues he was having. He suggested he needed a spanking. It seems some kids he goes to school with get spanked and my dear sweet boy seemed to think that might be the key to making him behave better. Talk about heartbreaking! I explained that hitting is never ok. I told him that it wasn't ok for me to hit daddy, a full grown adult, so why would it be ok for me to hit someone much smaller and more vulnerable than me? Once I put it to him that way he understood. Now if an autistic 8 year old can get it then why can't more adults?

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  12. You know sometimes, kids are just too naughty.. U know like those in Desperate Housewives? Sometimes, I guess some people just believe that spanking will help.

    I agree with Utah Mommy that different people have different ways of bringing their kids up. i believe it's a very sensitive topic that people shouldn't touch on.. They are after all their very own mother. I too, hate people spanking kids so hard in front of the public. They are just kids..

    But sometimes in this kind of situation I believe I just have to keep my mouth and hands shut cos I know if I interfere, it might offend the mother. UNLESS the situation goes out of hand of course. =)

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  13. hey guys! i know we are all here because we are all mothers and trying to be a good mom as well...no one really is perfect when it comes to being parents, we are only human so we can make mistakes along the way, so we always have to remind ourselves about this before we jump right in and start judging someone...when it comes to spanking your child during potty training - that I disagree. It's a big no-no but when trying to teach your child from what is right or wrong - that all depends on what works for you and your child.

    Before we could react and start sharing our thoughts...ask yourself first if you know that mom personally. I sense that you are getting mad at the wrong person, she may not express herself quite nicely as you want her to be but I know this person has a good heart and tries to be a good mom like all of you. You can share your opinion but to become judgmental on her, i think it's very wrong.

    "The way one deals with motherhood says a lot about someone's character and maybe even about the future of the child."

    you are right but let me tell you this, rest assured that her kid will be fine. We know them personally and I don't see any abuse between the family. Her kid is very nice and sweet and she as well have that personality but I know she is capable of making mistakes too just like all of you do. Motherhood is tough, I learned it from day1 and having my 2 girls, I can say that I haven't been quite the perfect mom that I want to be {which belongs to the category - normal mom} so, we shall not judge someone in one simple action that is mistaken as an abuse. Pls. spread the love...help each other by sharing polite advices neither offensive nor intimidating or judgmental.

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  14. Oh my Gosh dear, mind your own business, aye! This topic is very interesting to talk about. I think you have nothing to write that's why you bark on the other tree.

    All comments are in moderation, so please publish them all. Shame on you stranger!

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  15. I agree with you. Often spanking a child you are potty training can make it longer for them to potty train. My daughters just love it when I clap for them.

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  16. Potty training comes easy for some and more difficult for others, patience is always the key. If you have ever trained a puppy to potty outside you know that speaking loudly or rudely will totally disrupt the desired behavior. Speak softly and praise desired behavior. A slap is so totally out of the picture that it is shameful.

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  17. wow this is definitely unnerving! I potty trained my child w/o the use of drastic measures. I wonder if she was trained that way and repeated the process on her own child. That is just awful! I feel for the child. Why does some parents do this?

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  18. Hello, I am a young mom and wife and I took everything in quite hard at first but then I adjusted and finally learned that it takes strength and more love to raise a child. I can never ever hurt my daughter she can get tough at times but hey she's just a kid! and there are right (proper) ways to teach her things. Like changing the tone of your voice, explaining what she did wrong, etc.
    Our kids are explorers at a young age, they will always always try to do things on their own no matter how hard we spank them. So, I think explaining to them things are a lot easier and makes sense too.

    Lastly, in my POV, parents who spank their kids are the ones who lost their temper and brought it out to the child. What I do is I stand up...get away from the situation and breathe until I get hold of myself.

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  19. cultural differences, that's the right word. Here's what I heard from MOST(not all) moms in the my country, including my mom and myself ("my child, I spanked you didn't mean that I don't love you, I spanked you because I want you to be a better person, I spanked you because you did something really bad")..it is a punishment so to speak. BUT of course disciplining first by explanations(words) is a MUST before anything else. And also we have this uno, dos,tres warning, if the child won't stop doing that bad thing he will be punished after the "tres". But MOST children here hear the word "uno" they would behave right away.

    In our culture, spanking is just a way to give lesson to the child, so that next time she won't do the same mistake again or whatever mistake. But then again, spanking is not always though because once the child was spanked, that's it..for some reasons the child became kind..(that's in my case only)..I did spank my daughter once and no more follow-up spank because no more reason to do so, maybe I was just lucky for having a daughter with an unbelievable attitudes (good) according to my american husband.

    FYI, child-abuse is no no to our country, which means if you scold your child too much with bruises, burns, black-eye, etc..then you'll be reported to authority.

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