Friday, August 15, 2008

21 years ago she was born

august 15 2008

Today it would have been the celebration of her 21st. birthday.

I'm sure she would have matured into a wonderful woman, one with a very powerful message to the world.

But she died.

It was a very warm day when she was born.

My second baby and first girl.

It was great to be at home and move around as long as I could.

When the power of nature whirled through my body I took her little clothes our of the wardrobe and put them ready on a special shelf.
When the storms of contractions raged to every corner of my being I leaned on the washing machine, imagining how her diapers and clothes would be washed there.

I was not aware what would happen a day later.
I was just a woman in line of centuries of women who received their children working hard to stay on top of things.

It didn't matter I was alone. I could cope, just like I've always been able to cope.
A strange pride gave me strength, and every moment of pain was bringing her closer to my arms.

When I called downstairs to ask for my midwife, the father laughed and thought I was joking.
Only when I told him to bring the oldest to whoever was awake at that time, he realised it was serious.

Her birth was the most beautiful of all.

She gave me the gift of memory.

All I could say was: "she's wonderful, she's wonderful". It was a mantra I repeated and repeated over and over again, until I realised the midwife was laughing aloud.

She was beautiful!

I didn't know the angel in her was touching me already.

In the still of the night she looked at me, moved her eyes around the room and it was like she was drinking each and every gaze as if she wanted to paint it in her memory.

Maybe she did. Maybe later...far later... her soul will tell me what she saw that day.

To me it was just a room with items that had a special meaning to me.

21 years ago she was born.

She left part of me reaching into eternity, trying to find her.
My emtpy arms don't ache anymore.

But those moments between mother and daughter... that emptiness still hurts.....


  1. That was so beautiful.


  2. I believe that it was special moment for her too. Reading your post reminds me of a similar incident that happened to my friend a few years back. It was a painful experience to watch their baby then and yet we knew that the baby will be safely in God's arms.

  3. Was she your eldest daughter? I got all teary reading this entry,how so devastated you must be when it happened. Anyway, I am very sure she's looking over as an angel now, and she will always be waiting for you at heaven's steps.

    Happy birthday angel.....

  4. Many hugs to you Laane.

  5. On a day like this you need hugs,so I send mine too, So sad for you, your story touched my heart.

  6. i am really sorry to hear that...thanks for sharing with us.

  7. happy birthday to your angel. it's a very touching story and i just can feel how much your ache for her.

  8. So true and beautiful words. I am so so sorry for your loss and am amazed by your fortitude..take care and my best regards to you..

  9. I don't normally read sad stories, because i don't like to acknowledge all the bad in the world, but i couldn't help but continue to read yours, i think because you was being so positive in your loss, it made me feel sad inside none the less..

  10. the poem was too much touches my just make me nostalgic.

  11. I wept reading this post.. Happy Birthday to your beautiful angel. She will always be guiding you with her wings and live in your heart and prayers.. *hugs*

  12. I'm am so sorry to hear this but so happy that you got to meet her and be with her for the moments you did.

    Blessed Be


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