Sunday, August 31, 2008

a warm sunday in august

august 31 2008

It was supposed to be a very hot day, but it wasn't the hottest day of summer at all.
A soft breeze colled everything down.
Yet it was humid enough to feel uncomfortable.

The girls packed their bags for school for the first time.
They need to take far too many books.
Especially the little one carries too much weight.
Maybe I'd better look into the question whether she can get a second set of books to leave at school.

Their anticipation for real lessons is so sweet to see.
They've been to a montessori-school, so they've never had group lessons.

Tomorrow I'll start homeschooling my autistic boy.
We're not allowed to homeschool, our kids, but I do and I'm OK when they'll bring me to court.
The system doesn't have a place for him... yet...

In the afternoon we're going to his psychiatrist.
I'm curious about his therapy-plans.

unconscious mutterings 292

august 31 2008

  1. Groceries :: With a family of 8 I need loads of them.

  2. Deodorant :: Axe is not a deodorant, it's a nose-killer. It stinks!!!

  3. Psychic :: You mean paranormal?

  4. Cherries :: Lovely olor

  5. Spooky :: halloween

  6. Yogurt :: with strawberries

  7. Kitchen :: clean it yourself!

  8. Nothing personal :: no...but you needed to say it, so it has a message..

  9. Be nice :: smile!

  10. Delivery :: giving birth... I know all about it.

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Just a sunday morning thought

august 31 2008

It´ll be one of the warmest days of the year, so I had the windows open all night and closed them as soon as the sun hit the house.
Hopefully that´ll keep the cool temperature in.

While hanging the laundry on the line I heard an ambulance nearby, and about half an hour later another one.
That´s quite unusual as we don´t live near the central post at all.

We did in the past.
Our student homes are near the firebrigade´s post, and during day and night we heard the cars leaving with full sound.
We got used to it. But considering the fact that the conversations at our place often were about term life insurance, our visitors were confronted with thoughts about illness and death far more consciously than we.

The sound of the ambulance makes me think for a moment.

But as soon as I see a shining full ripe bramble my thought are gone.

I can tell you....that bramble was very tasty!
I´m sure I can enjoy more this evening.

Friday, August 29, 2008

forgotten key

august 29 2008

She's ome of those people who tends to forget everything and who's always able to mobilise the helptroops.

Not today!

I can barely walk, let alone go upstairs and search her room for the key.

It can be in the trousers she was wearing yesterday... maybe they are on the chair, or maybe in the bathroom...
or it can be in a bag she used yesterday... but she doesn't remember which one she was using...
or it can be on the desk...or downstairs...or...

My conclusion is simple:

As the key can be anywehere it can be in the bag she has with her... or in her coat... or in the trousers she's wearing...

So she has to deal with it herself.

Even when I find the keys she won't have me bycicling through half the town to bring it to her.

I know...I'm a bad mother.
But I'm very happy to enable her to learn to take of her own things.

I'm very generous!

broken foot

august 29 2008

Finally made an appointment with my doctor.

I had to wait a complete hour in the waitingroom, with a man who was sighing every one and a half minute! Ugh!

The most terribele magazines I've seen, and the most beautiful fashion.
I even forgot the time for about 5 minutes reading about a northpole expedition.

I'm completely up to date now about best acne treatment, the benefits of swimming (well, I knew that anyway) and I know where in town to find sportfacilities for seniors.

It's not often that I spend my time feeling bored to death.

I will do just that however for more time this afternoon.

The doc expects one of the bones in my foot to be broken, so I need to go to hospital for an x-ray. And then to the emergency room to get it taken care of.

What a waste of the day!!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

finally some help

august 28 2008

The supportsystem and the educational system is divided into sections.

One of the sections is for high intelligent autistic kids,
and the other for low intelligent ones and longterm ill children.

My autistic son is high in intelligence and longterm ill.

I managed to get both sections around the table for a meeting.

So I sat at the meeting and gave a resume of the situation:
"He won't get help, because he doesn't fit in anywhere."

Then I sat backwards...
"So that is the end of a long way of finding him a place somewhere in the educational system."

It was the breaking point.

After some silence both women looked at each other and then decided he will be point of focus in the next meeting of both departments.

When everything works out he'll get a tutor at home.

If not, I have used the last resource.

I smiled when I went away, but that was all I could produced: a smile.
I'm too tired of it all... so tired I lost my way out and had to ask a secretary to tell me where I could leave the building. LOL!


In the end, nothing happened.

I'd forbidden his former school to provide personal information about my son to others. (Their info is not correct. It's written in such a way that it protects the school. The files contain agreements about the way he will be supported at school, but they never acted on it. Only about 5 to 10%.)

Both sections decided to get information from the school, not from the psychiatrist.

Then they informed me that they wouldn't help when the files weren't available.
I asked what they wanted to know.

Never got an answer.

fashion, pregnancy and breastfeeding

august 28 2008

Many years I've been a pregnancy gymnastics teacher.
Most of the time I took the high risk moms-to-be.

Because there's a shortage of teachers I was asked to attend a meeting today, to decide how many times I would give lessons and information about the delivery, breastfeeding and pre- and postnatal care.

To my surprise I was welcomed by one of the other teachers, wearing an essential short sleeve wrap dress from Due.

I recognised the fashionable dress from the online collection of Due.

Soon we were talking about me taking on her lessons for the next year, and ofcourse about what pregnant women and new moms need.

We all decided we won't accept people attending classes in old male joggingsuits anymore, now there are workout outfits available that are not only very convenient to wear, but will also last during the time of breastfeeding and long after that.
No tight cords around the belly anymore, but cotton/lycra that moves with the body.

We're advising our pregnant moms to shop for maternity clothes and also have a look at the other products like skin care, diaper bags and gifts.

I especially want to focus the attention on nursing bras, which need to be bought in time, one size bigger than the usual size.

I wish fashion was as important during my pregnancies as it is now.

How lucky all these women are!!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

..and he's admitted!

august 27 2008

He went to his new college to get his identitycard and he was told he wouldn't get it.

So we got the call, heard him, told him we would jump in and did so.

A friendly woman told that she needed to receive a special paper from someone.
Then she could go ahead and send him all the paperwork and activate his identitycard.

One way or another the way she told it triggered the question where the paper should come from.

From someone in the room where she worked.

"Can't you go ahead when he tells you the paper is on it's way?
Or can't he hand you the paper?"

"No problem".


So our son is admitted and he'll be studying for shopkeeper.

We called him and he already got the list for the books.

A full 500 euro......

Isn't life interesting?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

breastcancer screening

august 26 2008

Today I went for breastcancer screening.

Women here are screened every two years with a mammogram.

This time it wasn't in a special mobile clinic, but in the local screening clinic.
It's new, I guess.

It was quite a problem to find the entrance.
They's better told me I had to be at the entrance of plastic surgery.

They had a new machine.
Ofcourse my breasts needed to be sandwiched, but it was not horizontal from the front, which was quite painful.
This time the machine followed the line of the muscle, so the experience was less awful.

I don't think that I'll have pain for weeks.

Because the whole neighbourhood was invited, I saw quite a lot familiar faces and we talked a bit.
With a husband of one of the women there the subject was soon: male breastcancer.

Because I've giving quite a lot of information about the subject in the past, I was asked to tell a bit about the subject.

They guy wasn't aware that men can get breastcancer too, and that many men who are confronted with it are diagnosed in a far too late stage.

He got the whole lot of information, and I'm sure he'll use it to enlighten other men.

So this afternoon wasn't a waste at all.

Back to school: double edition

august 26 2008

The girls went to school again.

They were a bit nervous, but as soon as they were on their way they met one of the other girls.
And you know them.... talking and talking...

They've enjoyed themselves very much.
There was another girl added to the group who was very nice.
They played plenty of namegames and on the stairs the older pupils asked them hoe they liked the school.

So the first day was a success.

Tomorrow they're going to have a whole day full of gymnastics and games in the town gymnastic hall.
That's what they love!!

One of the boys went to school too.
He didn't know if he was admitted, but he was told to start anyway.

To his surprise he found quite a lot of kids he knows.

He has to get used to the new system of going to college now.
Thought he had a lazy life with 3 hours of lessons a day, untill I told him that he had to do the rest himself.

I said his former school didn't invest in preparing them for their future, now it turned out they don't even have the most basic knowledge. Ugh!!

Well, the rest I'll write tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep and try not to touch my face.
I have blisters on my cheeks...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

strange tribune-car

august 25 2008

I watched the marathon last night.
It's the only event I've stayed awake for.

Did they run fast!!!

I was amazed when I saw this:

I've never seen a thing like that.

I've enjoyed the olympics a lot.
Ofcourse I haven't seen everything, but I'm sure we'll be able to see repeats enough the next weeks.

The closing ceremonie was nice, but not everything was enjoyed here.
Oh's and ah's about the London Mayor who didn't bother to close his jacket, and who walked even with his hands in his pocket.

Well, the games are over and tomorrow the athletes are expected home again.
I tried to get tickets for the welcoming party, but they were sold out.

I'm sure we'll find something else to do.

Early in the morning we'll leave by train and we'll go to what seems to be interesting.
I hope the weather will be good enough for a couple of hours at sea.

Keep your fingers crossed that I won't get a nasty surprise as last time when I made a daytrip with the children.

See you!

unconscious mutterings 291

august 24 2008

  1. Cry :: me a river

  2. Stretch :: after warming up

  3. Efficient :: beneficial

  4. Brunch :: breakfast and lunch

  5. Afro :: the beginning of all life

  6. Preheat :: the I want cake!

  7. Delicious :: yummy

  8. Global warming :: snow from the mountains

  9. Actions :: reactions

  10. Ride :: drive

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Tai Chi

august 23 2008

I'm so glad we didn't go to the sea yesterday.
It was the worst day of the week.

So all our stuff, including the swimsuits, is ready for monday.
It's the last day of the vacation and I can't imagine a better way to celebrate the last day than being at sea, cleaning my head for a fresh start.

I've decided to take a course tai chi.
Not inspired by the olympics, it was on my list for quite some years. But there wasn't a location near our house.
Now there is, so I'll be there within 5 minutes. No bridges to cross!

It's the first time I'll take a course at the women's centre.
I don't know anything about it, so I'm curious whether it's true that it's the perfect meetingplace to meet local women.

I think tai chi is a good way to get some relaxation and movement in the middle of the week, and to do something for myself.
Ofcourse I would love to get balletlessons again, but it's too far away.
Tai Chi can be done at all ages, so I'm looking forward to meeting new people and doing something that I can do the rest of my life.

Friday, August 22, 2008

autism and verbal behaviour

august 22 2008

Some autistic children are not able to value communication and because of that they won't start talking.
I know about children who have been considered to be deaf, because they didn't react to sound at all.

Vincent Carbone offers workshops where he and his collegues provides parents, teachers and others evidence-based behavior analytic services.
That means that he teaches them to observe the children in a certain way and model their behaviour in a positive way to make them show wanted behaviour.

In case you want to know more: click here.

Working this way is very rewarding for parents, because they are able to see changes better and they're able to modify the behaviour of their child in a positive way.
It can and should be done at the places the child is, and not in a therapy room.
That way the lack of ability to generalise behaviour isn't interfering with results.

bad weather

august 22 2008

We decided not to go to the beach today.

My foot is still hurting a lot and the weather is nothing.
It's chilly and it rains a lot.

This afternoon ut was announced that watertornados were expected, right in the area we planned to go to.

So in a way I feel lucky.

Now we're going monday, when the weather will be better.
Let's hope my foot is OK too.

new school still on vacation

august 22 2008

I can't believe people at administrations of schools are as uninterested as the woman we got on the phone yesterday.

Last sxhoolyear one of my sons got his diploma and he applied for a place at a school for economical studies.

Just before the schoolvacation we had a meeting with someone who wanted to know everything about his ADHD. What kind of adjustments he needs, what he can do well, etc etc.
So one assumes he's admitted.
When we asked he said we were right to think so.

Next week the school starts and we've heard nothing at all.

So we've phones around.. none from the economical department is back from vacation, so we have to wait untill monday.

The son himself doesn't care.
He went to his girlfriend and left us to call around and arrange matters.

Let's say he got me really mad!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Waterpolo gold for us!!!

august 21 2008

First "we" won gold on the 10 km swimming in open water.

Leukemia survivor Maarten van der Weijden crossed the finish line first while we were looking in utter amazement and champion Pieter van den Hoogenband was yelling as hard as he could, even overpowering the comments on TV.

It was such a wonderful way to start the day.

And later our ladies of the waterpoloteam, just 9th on the world ranking, overpowered number 1 of the list: America.

They were so happy they pushed the TV presenter in the water,
and we were so happy that we all got an icecream and saw them win about 5 times!

We've won!!!

This little country won from them all!!!



injured foot

august 21 2008

I don't know what I've done, but I've injured my right foot one way or another.
I think I've stepped on something, or maybe I've turned my foot .. I just don't know.

What I do know that I can hardly walk.
The arch of my foot seems to have gone down, and all the muscles of my foot are aching like hell.

I've bandaged the foot in such a way that I've created an artificial arch as a support.
The pain is a bit less.

Sad is that I planned to use the last ticket for the train to go to sea once more.
It's the only place where I can relax and forget everything.

Now I doubt whether I'll be able to walk through the sand to the shore.

Travelling in time

august 21 2008

The girls were amazed by the enormous piles of books on a photo in the paper.
The picture was taking in the university bookshop, and as more than 16.000 students are crowding the city next week, needing books and other study materials, you can imagine the height of the piles.

Sometimes I feel it's a pity we can't travel through time.
I would take them back to my student years.
We didn't have a bookshop on the campus then.

Because I loved so near the university and away from the centre of town, where the main bookshop was situated, I applied with some fellow students to start selling books on the campus.
We got the franchise opportunities, and had a good time before the university year started.
I loved to sort the books. The smell, the new look. And especially the chance to learn a lot about the other studies.
Each evening after dinner I went there with coffee and bread and read like someone was holding a knife on my throat.
I even felt sad selling the last books. LOL!

The experience of playing an important role in supplying the students with books was fun and I still can imagine myself starting a shop of myself.

Maybe in the far future.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dyslexia confirmed

august 20 2008

It's confirmed: one of my daughters is seriously dyslectic.

Ofcourse it didn't come as a surprise.
We needed the proof for the new school. Now we have.

The tests also revealed that she's an image thinker, she can concentrate well, and she needs to focus more on detail.

She doesn't show any signs of ADHD or autism.
I knew that too, but it's good to have it confirmed.

Now we're ready for the new schoolyear.
Except for unpacking the books.

the girls and school

august 20 2008

It's funny to see how much the girls are looking forward to the first day at their new school.

The books have arrived, and they can't wait to unpack them.
But they have.
We were told the books were due at school, and yet they arrived here.
So in case they're ordered twice I want to keep the packages closed, to we can send them back if necessary.

Their bags are already filled with pencils, papers and all the other things needed at school.

The boys were never so enthousiastic, so it's a whole new world opening here.

It feels a bit like I'm a mom for the first time.

That's the difference between normal kids and autistic kids.

I know some people don't want their autistic children called handicapped or special needs, but they are.
During the years I've learned to accept that.

I'm off to bed now, trying to sleep a bit.

Tomorrow one of the girls will get the results of the tests.
She's dyslectic.
I hope they've found some intereting things we can target to help her.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


august 19 2008

The last week I've slept very bad.
Too much stress, too many things not happening the way they should.

It's impossible to keep healthy with about 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night. Disturbed sleep.
Even working in the garden for a couple of hours didn't help.

So there was only one way to deal with it: right through it.
So I went on doing the things that need to be done, dealt with the inflammations that followed and yesterday afternoon I was so tired that I couldn't move one step anymore after cooking dinner.
I was sooooo tiredm that I asked them to take their own food and I sat down and looked into some flight deals, and then watched the Olympics.

The girls managed to feed the crowd without any problem.

At the end of the evening I crashed in my bed and slept for hours on end!

Now I feel a lot better.

He needs an IQ of below 70

august 19 2008

I called the indication commission for longterm ill children and I was told my autistic son didn't qualify.
I mentioned everything: burn out and depression,
longterm treatment, and treatment for eating disorders, disturbances in the fine movements.

Well, I guess a kid needs to have cancer to qualify.

All she had to say was that he needed an IQ of below 70.

I was so amazed and in a way: helpless. I just started to cry on the telephone.
She reacted very nice and even tried to switch the phone through to the autism centre.
Well, like before I couldn't get any contact.

In a way I didn't care, because I don't think they can be of any help.

When I put the phone down it called. Someone trying to sell a travel medical insurance.
I said nothing and just put the phone down again.
Isn't it polite that I just thought he'd better get one himself and get lost?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Thanks and a new week.

august 17 2008

Thank you all for your wonderful and comforting reactions.
When I was young I didn't even consider that I could loose a child.
But life is painful, surprising and interesting.

It certainly shows who are friends and caring people and who are not.

It was special to see the eclips of the moon at the time she died so many years ago.

The feeling of rest I got was good, and much needed.

Well, I guess the vacation is over.

The children have to start next week, but tomorrow the administrations of the schools are open again and I expect that the whole problem of finding a school for my autistic boy will start tomorrow too.

I've decided to go against the wishes of the council representative and risk being brought to court.

She wants him to go to a school for kids with behavioral problems. To be precise: for kids that are a danger for their teachers and fellow students.

My son is autistic.
That is a neurobiological disorder, not a behavioral problem.

He's not a danger to others, he needs protection from them!

I've decided to apply for a place between the longterm ill children.
He came home from school depressed and stressed out, and treatment starts in september.
The pediatrician starts treatment of his eating disorder soon after that.
So he won't be able to go to school as much as he would be otherwise. (And as he wasn't able to attend school a 100% before...)

The last weeks I've written to some schools and people who might be able to help me.
So I expect quite a lot of mails tomorrow.

At 10 I'll call the organisation who has to decide whether he'll be granted a place among the longterm ill kids, and ask for a meeting.

If the councilrepresenative wants me in court... so be it.

But I don't think I'll be convicted of anything else than pure motherhood, and that's not a crime. LOL!

I'm a bit nervous, but I'm sure I've made the right choice.

Dealing with this all has made this vacation a stressfull time.
I'm glad the children are old enough to understand what is going on.
The result is that we have grouped together as a family and that we feel even stronger against outside influences.

So let the week begin!

unconscious mutterings 290

august 17 2008

  1. Signature :: swirling name

  2. Olympics :: taking part

  3. 100% :: completely

  4. Damn! :: Darn

  5. Gold :: and silver

  6. Fresh and natural :: my girls

  7. Fraction :: part

  8. Hurry :: speed

  9. Summer :: spring

  10. 29th :: of february

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Friday, August 15, 2008

21 years ago she was born

august 15 2008

Today it would have been the celebration of her 21st. birthday.

I'm sure she would have matured into a wonderful woman, one with a very powerful message to the world.

But she died.

It was a very warm day when she was born.

My second baby and first girl.

It was great to be at home and move around as long as I could.

When the power of nature whirled through my body I took her little clothes our of the wardrobe and put them ready on a special shelf.
When the storms of contractions raged to every corner of my being I leaned on the washing machine, imagining how her diapers and clothes would be washed there.

I was not aware what would happen a day later.
I was just a woman in line of centuries of women who received their children working hard to stay on top of things.

It didn't matter I was alone. I could cope, just like I've always been able to cope.
A strange pride gave me strength, and every moment of pain was bringing her closer to my arms.

When I called downstairs to ask for my midwife, the father laughed and thought I was joking.
Only when I told him to bring the oldest to whoever was awake at that time, he realised it was serious.

Her birth was the most beautiful of all.

She gave me the gift of memory.

All I could say was: "she's wonderful, she's wonderful". It was a mantra I repeated and repeated over and over again, until I realised the midwife was laughing aloud.

She was beautiful!

I didn't know the angel in her was touching me already.

In the still of the night she looked at me, moved her eyes around the room and it was like she was drinking each and every gaze as if she wanted to paint it in her memory.

Maybe she did. Maybe later...far later... her soul will tell me what she saw that day.

To me it was just a room with items that had a special meaning to me.

21 years ago she was born.

She left part of me reaching into eternity, trying to find her.
My emtpy arms don't ache anymore.

But those moments between mother and daughter... that emptiness still hurts.....

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Will she send me to court?

august 12 2008

I was so very amazed that homeschooling was granted, that I didn't question the decision of the councilrepresentative, until I was at home.

Homeschooling is against the law here. Only parents with special religions are allowed to homeschool. They have to go to court to get matters arranged.

So the councilrepresentative couldn't have given permission to teach my autistic son myself, because she has to stick to the law herself.

I mailed her two days after the meeting that I couldn't agree with subscription to the former school, but because it is the law I would stick to that.
But I certainly couldn't agree with sending him to a school with kids that have such severe behavioral problems that they're a danger for others.
My son is autistic, and he shows no aggressive behaviour at home.
He doesn't belong at such a school. It'll worsen him, and as a parent I have to watch for his wellbeing.

Much to my surprise I've got a mail back stating that I had to agree otherwise she would bring me to court.

It took me quite a few days to write a statement with a very thourough motivation in which I said clearly:

I won't cooperate with sending him to that school.

After giving all my thoughts and objections I concluded:

Please transfer the subscription to the school with the auti-classes,
and when there's no place we should find a school for kids who are ill a long time.
There he can get teaching at home in a legal way.

So now I'm waiting for her letter stating that she'll send me to court.

Part of me is sure she can't.
I'm not refusing to send my autistic child to school.
I'm refusing to send my kid to a school that might cause harm.

Other part of me is afraid that she won't take matters as they are meant and that she will cause more problems than I can solve.

I haven't been able to sleep much the past week.
It's now 3 in the night. I'm wide awake.

It's a good feeling that the sporters in Bejing are now getting ready for a new day.

Life goes on.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Manic Monday #129

august 11 2008

How would your friend describe you to someone who has never seen you?

A dynamic person, who is full of ideas, has a great problem solving ability, and who stands up for justice, peace and appropriate care of all disabled people, mainly autistic children.
She's a psychologist and a mom and dstand firm for the wellbeing of her family.
She's a sharp criticist, a writer, but also a good listener.
She might seem arrogant when you see her for the first time, but it's just the balletdancer in her. When you know her better you'll see a very vulnerable person.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

It's just me against the world.
But I know that my homedoctor will stand up for me when it's really necessary.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My children will miss me, my online friends.
And the people I'm dealing with to get the best care possible for my son. They suddenly have a lot less work. LOL!

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large spot of emptiness

august 11 2008

When I was at his age, my male friends went on a 3 weeks international tour with just one bagpack.

He took two large bags with him, and when I say large I mean large!
And he went away for 4 days in the south of the country.

I feel still as amazed as when he came downstairs.

After waiting half an hour at the front door, while we were enjoying the judo competition of the olympic games, he came into the room so suddenly, shouting "They're there!!", that we didn't believe him. We thought he was overdoing a joke, but a car really stopped in front of the house and his girlfriend and some outhers came out.

We exchanged polite remarks, joked about his bagage, and then they went.

I'll miss him. Especially at moments when it's bussy here.
He's got ADHD and ADHD has got him.
So when he's at home he is fully present and most of the time more than that.

Even though all other kids are at home, there's a large spot of emptiness drifting around.

By the time we're getting used to it, he'll be back.

create your own paradise

august 11 2008

Last week I enjoyed being at the beach and walking in the sea. Such a pitty the day ended with lots of stress.

I wished I could create my own secret waterworld, right at my own house, enabling me to dream away and relax again.

I've found a solution.

SpaScenes provides spa accessories and one of them is a mural.
It's available in 5 scenes, all creating the perfect environment for a spa. Whether you like fern falls, a tropical beach, or a glowing sunset or another scene, you can place yourself outside reality.

You won't need special tools or experience to install the mural. Whether you choose for the panoramic or the full-view format it's trim-to-fit and without problems you'll change your big brown/grey ugly panel type spa cover into a fresh water scene.
Your mind will relax so much faster, and so will your body.

Ofcourse you can change your complete garden into an imitation of your favorite vacation resort, but I doubt whether you'll have the budget to do so.
So why not choose for an affordable solution, which also changes the outer look of your spa?
SpaScenes offers high quality products and the murals are highly durable, waterproof and are chemical resistant. The scenes are interchangable, so there's no need to feel you're stuck in the same vacation resort.

I'm not a sunbather, so using the spa is an evening experience.
The mural reflects the movement of the water and especially in the evening it creates the illusion of life running water around me.

I wish you many happy times in your own paradise, while you enjoy your spa.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

the olympic games and gold

august 10 2008

I've seen the opening of the olympic games on TV.

It was beautiful!
But I didn't feel as touched and caught as during the last opening.
It might have been me, dealing with far too much stress at the moment, or it might have been the fact that our TV is too small to do justice to all the details.
It's a pity our savings account didn't allow us to buy a nice plasma screen.

Houkes won a bronze medal at Judo and just a few minutes ago I heard we've won gold at the 4x100 m freestyle swimming.

Isn't that a great accomplishment for the little country we are?

K2 last update

august 9 2008

I'm sorry I haven't been able to update the K2 tragedy.

But I gather the media took care of it.

Marco was saved and had frozen feet.

At august 7 Wilco van Rooijen and Cas van Greven were transported to Islamabad.
The weather was OK to fly and the decision was taken within a short time.
It wouldn't have been iwse to have wated, because Wilco's feet were froozen so badly, he might have suffered more damage when he had to go by bus.

Marco arrived in Islamabad too with serious frostbite in his legs, and he and Roberto met the Dutch again.

The media have published some stories which were based on the wish to create a story from fragments.
Those who were on the mountain will be able to tell their own stories when and if they feel the need to do so.

There is no place for stories of heroism in the light of the loss of so many lifes.

Those who were missing were never seen again.

May they rest in peace at one of the most powerful places on earth.

no friday's feast

august 10 2008

I always feel a bit sad when Friday's Feast isn't taking place.

Even though I'm not able to visit all participants, there are sooo many!, I enjoy reading the answers.

It's raining so terribly the last days.

Yesterday I had to take the path between the gardens and the houses and when I took the turn to go there I was confronted with a real canal, instead of a path!
Me oh my! I´d never seen so much water there.

So I had to go back and go to our gate from the other side. So much for a short cut!

Sometimes I wish I was in one of those wonderful reno hotels, relaxing and enjoying the best the world has to offer.

But being at home it meant nothing else than taking care of the daily stuff.
But a girl needs to dream, ej?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The K2 has spoken, it's not up to us to have the last word.

AUGUST 6 2008

Why do people feel the need to blame others, or nature or anything else?

Wilco van Rooijen, one of the climbers that have been rescued from the K2, gave an interview today.

He blamed other climbers for the accident.

He didn't say they chopped off the icerock, no.
He said that they didn't properly tie the ropes at the Bottleneck, a very dangerous part of the mountain. Because of that it took more time to reach the top, and because of that they were caught in the accident.

It's such wishful thinking: if I'd been at a different place at a different time....

In my language the word "if" sounds like english "ashes", and my gram used to say: ashes are burnt. Meaning that one better leaves certain things in the past, because things happened the way they happened and wanting to change things afterwards isn't possible.

Maybe the ropes should have been tied in another way.
He made the choice to go to the top anyway, and he certainly didn't prevent others to use these ropes.
He made the choice to arrive late at the top.

That is how it goes at dangerous mountains: each and every person makes his own decision to go forward or to stop and go back.

Ofcourse many more will be said about the accident.

All coloured by how the cultures of the speaker deal with accidents, guilt and loss.
I know Wilco and I share a country where guilt easily pops up, like anger is the main emotion of other countries.

I agree with him that reaching the top late, especially in the beautiful weather they had, carries a danger of ice and rocks moving because of the melting snow and ice.

They could have been on the top earlier, and then they would have been past the Bottleneck on their descent.

But would they have been safe?

Well, let's say he's been lucky not to have been hit by an icerock and not to have been caught in a sliding pile of snow.

All I can say is that when the icerock wouldn't have been broken off, and wouldn't have taken the ropes with it, people wouldn't have died because of that.

The k2 is a mighty force of nature.

And life itself ends when it's time.

The past days I felt myself confronted with some mysteries that will never be answered.

Why did Hugues walk the other way?

What happened to Gerard.

Some stories say he slept with Wilco on the mountain during the descent.

But when did he disappear? Where?

He was an experienced climber... why didn't he survive?

Some questions will be answered during the next weeks, when people come home and have time to re-experience the traumas.
Some will never be answered. Our phantasies will take over, movies will fill in the gaps.

Being experienced in dealing with people after major traumas, I know some people are shut off from their feelings for a while. Others will remember parts, and they'll fill in the gaps with what is most desirable in their eyes. It's not lying. It's dealing with too painfull memories. It's how the mind works.

There are also people wanting to earn money from it all, or esteem, or fame.

Right now we can only assume 11 people were killed on K2.

Not because of some ropes, or because of the time of day.
Not even because they made the choice to be on the top that day.

People died, because nature doesn't look around when it changes.
The beauty of nature is her's, and she lives with it within her own laws.

It was a beautiful day, so the sun had power and melted ice.
A rock broke off and fell.

Like nature stops the beating hearts of innocent little children, leaving their mothers empty handed,
nature changed and a rock fell, destroying the lifelines, taking the lives of beautiful people who made the choice to enter into this mystic place of life.

My heart goes out to the families and friends of those who died,
especially to the poor families of both rescuers who died.

I can only hope people will show their respect to all who were there, and to all who died, and stop speculating and pointing fingers.

It's unworthy.

The K2 has spoken, it's not up to us to have the last word.

finally: a day vacation planned

august 6 2008

I've planned a day vacation.

Tomorrow I'll go with the girls and my oldest to the coast.

I've arranged a daycart for the train, so there's no worry about the costs, or distance.

We want to take a tour in the harbor of Rotterdam by boat, and for the rest we have nothing planned.

So we might end up with our feet in the sea, shopping in Amsterdam, or watching the birds in the middle of the country.

I hope the men at home will behave and that the father of the boys won't behave like one of them, but that he'll use his brains to keep things calm and quiet.

Yesterday evening I found the perfect cottage to stay in Scotland.
Don't worry... I won't escape to Scotland..... I think.

Monday, August 4, 2008

a strange day

august 4 2008

It's so sad that so many people lost their lives on the K2.

With a few friends, who have been mountainering, we're waiting for more news.

But the huge silence of the mystic mountain will last, we're afraid.

The chance that the missing climbers will walk into a camp is so minimal...

Ofcourse they knew they were taking a huge risc when entering the territory of this gigantic force.
But one hopes that with all responsibility decisions can be taken, leading to accomplishments and a safe return.

In the meantime daily life went on.

Laundry and all those other things.

We forget to ask the insurance permission for the brace of our daugher.
Luckily the woman at the phone was very understanding and they're posting it as soon as possible.

I forgot to call the doc for an appointment. Pain seems to be so futile at the moment.
Since months I'm experiencing pain in one of my fingers at the left hand, right at the topjoint. When something hits the place it's terrible.

The only thing that disturbs me at the moment is the farmer somewhere, who has spread his stinking pigmist on the fields...

Manic Monday #128

august 4 2008

Using no more than 10 nouns, and ONLY nouns, describe yourself.


If you owned your own store, what would you sell?

Art, ethnic art.
Certainly nothing technical or something like ipods.

If you were to name the most comforting thing for you to hold in your hands, what would it be?

Comforting... for someone else or for me?

I just don't know something comforting...

Maybe it's something from my dad, or my gram.

When I really need comfort I'm not getting it from a thing, so I can't find a proper answer.

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k2 expedition updates

august 4 2008

I feel sad to tell that Cecilie Skog lost her husband, Rolf Bae, on the K2.
She reported his death herself.

Right now no signs of life have been seen from:

Garard McDonnell (is 37 years old originally from Kilcornan. He is oil company employee in Alaska and is part of the Dutch international team. He has become the 1st Irishman to become a K2-summiteer.)
Hugues d’Aubarede (french teamleader) and
Karim, Hugues' high altitude porter

Marco Confortola is still descending with support. It's told he has been injured.
All others have arrived in basecamp 2.

Cas and Wilco received treatement and were declared to be safe after a long time.

Because of the amount of visitors to the original site of the expedition, a mirrorsite in English and Dutch has been started

In the morning (local time) the injured climbers will be transported from the mountain by helicopter.

A flight above the involved area of the mountain is planned to find out of there are any signs of the missing climbers.

Right now the K2 has taken many lives.

On the way up:

Dren Mandic and a pakistani climber.
Dren tried to pass a slower climber at the Bottleneck and slipped.

During descent:

Hwang Dong-jin, Park Gyeong-hyo and Kim Hyo-gyeong, all Korean
A sherpa and Rolf Bae.

And two rescuers: a sherpa and a pakistani climber.

Gerard,Hugues and Karim are still missing.

May those who died rest in peace.

It's not yet possible to give the exact number as it was unclear how many people were at the mountain when the accident happened.

A large piece of ice broke loose and cut the ropes at the Bottleneck.

Cas and Pemba descended without these ropes.

Someone wearing an orange suit has been seen on the mountain, but it's not clear who that was. Maybe Wilco.

More news will be published as soon as it's available.

update 1:

Cas and Wilco are in a pakistani hospital, receiving treatment for severe frostbyte. There doing relatively well.

Marco couldn't be helped from the air, because the helicopter couldn't land. He's severely wounded at a leg. He's accompanied by 2 other climbers, trying to reach a lower altitude.

As far as I've understood weather conditions are deteriorating.

It's still not clear how many people have been killed.

According to a Norwegian climber 11 people.
In fact, we just don't know.

update 2

According to one of the other climbers among the deaths is Baig, one of Hugues' high altitude porters.

Marco has arrived at camp 1.

None of the missing climbers has been located.

Update 3.

I'm so sad to report that Gerard McDonnell has been declared dead.

My heart goes out to his teammates, his family in Ireland, his girlfriend Ann and all other friends.

The french teamleader Hugues d’Aubarede will also never return from K2.

I feel very sorry for the french team, and his family and friends.

May they rest in peace on this great powerfull K2.

Update 4, tuesday august 5

Marco has arrived at basecamp.

The weatherconditions will make evacuation difficult or impossible.
A doctor is treating him there at the moment.

I want to thank everyone who mailed me.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

no rest...

august 3 2008

I thought that the letter from the council representative would bring me a feeling of rest and relaxation.

But instead it has raised more questions and caused more feelings and thoughts to whirl around.

The letter contains serious mistakes. Like that I can write an objection.
That's not true. The part of law that's concerned doesn't enable an objection.

Apart from that it's 99% sure she didn't make the right legal steps to arrive at her conclusions.
Instead of asking an independent doctor for an opinion, she asked my sons doc.

But most of all: why did she try to force us to submit the form to ask for freedom not to have him apply for a school? She knew that she w/couldn't grant the permission.

This is were our taxmoney goes... to useless procedures.

Right at the moment I can't do anything, because all educational services and institutions are closed.
It gives me a feeling that time is closing me in.
I want to settle matters, arrange things well, and I can't.

Problem is that I'm so very tired of not being able to take only one hour off to do something for myself.

I try to activate my autistic son, but he won't do anything.
It makes me furious to see someone hang around, complaining all day, eating and eating, and throwing a fit when he doesn't get what he wants.

In a way it's good his dad is going to work again, because he knows he can't manipulate me. He won't get anything else than three meals, something to eat before bed and vegetables and an occasional piece of fruit.
It'll bring some rest... but it won't cure his autism.

The burden for our family is growing, and I won't object when they want him to move out of the house to a good facility nearby.

Not to a mental institution though.
They have to bring me first.

Don't worry.
How things are going they'll move me there first!

When you hear someone yelling in the night: "I want a vacation", know it's me, screaming my toes all up to the international space centre.

The Northsea is dangerous at the beach of The Netherlands

august 3 2008

Those who are not aware of all the warning signs should opt for a Lasik treatment.

Everywhere are the warnings, even on TV.

The Northsea, that's the sea at our beach, is dangerous at the moment.

It's the time of the springtide.
Large waves role in, and it looks like the sea is streaming towards the main land.

But it's only the upper part which makes that movement.
The rest of the sea is moving towards eternity.
The undercurrents are so strong, that even a grown man can get caught and washed away.

Almost 30 swimmers have been rescued already, so it's only waiting for the first report of someone as stupid as to think that he can conquer the forces of nature, who hasn't been caught by a rescue team and has drowned.

unconscious mutterings #288

august 3 2008

  1. Crankiness :: bad mood

  2. Backpack :: travelling

  3. Clone :: identical creature

  4. High ground :: mountains

  5. Dreams :: expectations

  6. Lovingly :: sweetly

  7. Mistake :: stupid

  8. Carson :: Felicity

  9. Errand :: run!

  10. Dozen :: can't count that amount on your fingers!

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Wilco alive at the K2 after terrible accident

august 3 2008

The Mount Everest and the K2 are the most mayestic and most dangerous mountains in the world.

A friend of me went with an expedition that was terrible and fascinating. All survived, and we really felt grateful about that.

This weekend an international expedition got in problems at the K2.
An icerock, part af an avalanche, hit the ropes and cut them through, at a height of 2000 metres.

2 climbers were recovered....dead...
9 were missing.

Yesterday almost a whole family was burried in my country. They died at a relatively easy mountain in Europe, after one of them lost grip and fell, pulling the others on the rope into death too.

So we thought that we had to burry another climber: Wilco van Rooijen.

In 1995 he was caught by a rock and was severly wounded, and it felt like the mountains just finished what was his fate.

I couldn't believe it.
It didn't feel like he was dead. But I'm not Char or Lisa.

This morning it was reported in the news that another 2 bodies were recovered and that Wilco van Rooijen was found alive.
He's been able to save himself. His feet are froozen.

Right now we're waiting for more news.
More men are still missing.
The rescue helicopters can't reach that height, so t'll take quite a long time.

K2 is the second largest mountain of the earth.
It's extremely dangerous.
280 climbers have reached the top, 66 have died.
And I'm afraid we have to add more this weekend.


Wilco and another member of the team finally arrived at the camp at sunday evening.
They have serious freezing symptoms.
The effect of being about 60 hours in the deathzone are not yet clear.

One member of the team is still missing. An irish man.

From all the teams that were on the mountain when the ice started to move, 7 have been confirmed dead already.

The Lazy Days of Summer

august 2 2008

The Lazy Days of Summer

1. What is your favorite summer drink?

I always drink coffee, and water, no matter which season it is.
Otherwise I would need handsfull of diet pills.

2. What is the best summer sport to play?

To in teamsport? Maybe volleyball?

3. What’s the best summer sport to watch?

Sailing and such. I don't watch sport often.

4. Do you like the ocean, the pool or the lake?

Give me the sea...we don't have an ocean here.
We have a lake nearby and I love to walk there at night.

5. Some folks drink whiskey in the winter and gin, tequila (margaritas) or rum drinks in the summer. Does you alcohol of choice change?

I hardly drink alcohol.
People drink beer in the summer here, but when I touch a beer it's to bring it to someone else.
I just don't care for it.

6. What is your favorite summer song?

Summertime from Porgy and Bess.

7. What was your best summer growing up? How old were you and why was it best?

I've never ever thought about that.
The time I was growing up was not a happy time.
So I won't screen my summers in the past.

8. Have you ever had a summer romance that you knew would end?

Yes, twice.
Once when I was studying and once in Italy.

I have pleasant memories about both.
The first romance was romantic, and we were really in love. If another woman wouldn't have stepped in to get him away from me, we would have stayed together longer.

The Italian guy was cute, but I wouldn't recognise his face anymore.

9. How old were you when you first went skinny-dipping? Who were you with?

As if there's a lot of chance to do that. Hmmm.
I once did, when we were just married, with my husband.
But we were so afraid to get caught that it asted about a few minutes.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

friday's feast, Jodies 1 august version

august 1 2008

This week the questions are from Jodie.


If you learned today you were going to die tomorrow, name three things you would do.

1. I would write a letter for my extended family, explaining that I had to choose for my own children, instead of fighting their opinions. (They don't believe autism is a real disability. They think it's just a modern thing that people bring up to get attention.)
That I've missed them, but that I've also been able to choose my own path of growth.
That's I've always been amazed they didn't find the way to my front door.

Then I'll write a letter to my friends, telling them what they have meant in my life.
Because life with my children has meant a tremendous loss of social contact my friends have meant the world for me.

And I'll write a letter to my children giving them the wise lessons of life.
Then I'll say them all goodbye.

2. I'll book a flight to the dessert and leave with some of my musical instruments.

3. I'll make music and then walk into the dessert, until life walks over me.


What is your very first memory?

I'm not sure.

I remember flashes of being at the beach. I was 2.
I remember being on a sleigh with a special coat on, being on a tricyle, and playing with a toy-iron. I was 2 too.

And being with my granddad. He died when I was 3.


Name one service you are willing to pay for and one you are not.

Pff... that's a difficult one.

I'm not willing to pay for a dyslexia test for two of my children, because when a child can't hear the test is paid, but when a child can't proces something seen the test isn't paid.

I don't know what service I'm willing to pay for... I do everything myself.
When my autistic son would want to go each week for an afternoon with someone, I would pay.

Main Course

Do you make your bed every day?

No, I don't.
None cares.


Name the most significant thing you learned this week.

I learned for the first time in ages that there's someone who really cares that things go well in this family.
The psychiatrist of my son really helped me.
He trusted me a full 100% in my description of my sons functioning, and he backed me up in every detail.
For the first time in all those years I've experienced working as a team for this family.

For the first time in ages I said aloud that I wanted to work professionally again.
(Which resulted in the father of the children having a terrible bad mood, because he's got an autism spectrum disorder too, and he can't deal with changes, and can't deal with his own family.)

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preferred type of sugar

august 1 2008

may 29 2008

What is your preferred type of sugar?

Well, it depends for what it's used for.

I want snowsugar on my pancakes. But now I'm a diabetic I hardly use sugar.
I'm one of those diabetics that can't use sugar.

When I was young I loved to eat brown sugar on my bread.
The brownest parts of it used to stick together and it was nice to pick them first from my bread and eat them.
I saved the largest for later.

The taste of the browns sugar, feeling it melting on my tongue, and the taste mixing with the flavor of real butter, made it a relaxing and powerful experience.

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the transcripts are here and I don't like them.

august 1 2008

Ofcourse the transcript of the meeting with the council representative was not a 100% right.

One of the issues that needs attention is that she wants the school for drop outs to make a curriculum.

No way!

I'm perfectly capable to make a curriculum.
I even can take the one of last year.

I know she writes that down to make things acceptable for the law, but I don't want anything fake or unlawfull.

So I proposed to use the system for ill children, which provides home tutoring.
That puts the council out of the picture, so no need for them to watch each step and question each little problem.

I want to keep in control.
When using the system for ill children it means that I share it with a team. It also means I have an equal voice.

I don't want other people to tell me what to do, when they're not even qualified to do so.

I also think it's strange when I have to do the work and a school gets the money and I'm controled.

So maybe it will be part homeschooling, part home-tutoring.

I don't think the council woman will be happy with my new proposition.
It makes clear they haven't thought the whole issue through in the best way.

But it sure puts my son in an excisting legal system, instead of some improvised structure that doesn't do justice to those who put in the most work.

top entrecard droppers


silence is gone

august 1 2008

At last the temperature has gone down, and we're not feeling like we're stuck in an oven with too much water boiling.

After weeks of relative silence in the neighbourhood, and walking around each evening with a bunch of keys to care for plants and some little animals at a few houses, things are changing.

People are coming home with lots of stories to tell, children's voices sound again, and in the morning cars make their noises in the streets.

I've enjoyed most the early morning silence and the quiet evenings, when I could hear the birds sing their songs and chirp around.
Looking up to the stars without other people around enables me to sense the endlessness of the universe and to feel that I'm just a very tiny unimportant element in the whole.

Well, as I can't hang around in nightfashion anymore, I'll go up and dress properly.

See you later!