Friday, August 31, 2007

almost september

august 31 2007

Oh, it's almost september... I can't believe it!

This summer has been so dull and grey that I feel like waiting for the sun.

In the garden the brambles taste well. But the strawberries are still fighting to spring into fruit.
Never ever were they so late.
And the red berries are all gone. They were far too early.

On our walk this evening we felt the chill of the last days of summer.
Leaves were already crispy under our feet.

This september is full of changes here.
The oldest moving out, the girls to schoolcamp, they get braces. Schoolphotographer, dentist...

...and a new giveaway... stay tuned...

What are your plans for september?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

to London or not to London

august 29 2007

Had a long talk with the principal of the school of the boys.

One of the subjects was the trip to London.

This vacation my autistic son wanted to go somewhere, but when it came down to going, he didn't want to go... over and over again.

During the last week we tried to plan a trip again.
He went with his dad and they nearly didn't go half the way they wanted to go and returned.
I have some photos of him in front of the government buildings.
They didn't make it to sea...

So at school I said that maybe I'd better go with them.

Oh, yes, that would be a great idea.
In the past one of the mothers went to and stayed at a hotel and all was fine. The boy did well with his mother in the same town.

Well, this boy won't.
If things are to succeed I need to sleep at the same family, and I need to have the freedom to take him with me when they're visiting places that need long waiting and a lot of interaction.
He will be complaining to me all the time, but at least I will be in London, and he will be able to go there.

The school has a completely different concept of how it is with an autistic child.

Added to it all: I won't be able to stay at an hotel. The prizes are soooo high!!
We can rent an appartment here for a whole month against 2 or 3 nights at a London hotel.

So I think he won't go.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Some peace and quiet? Where?

august 28 2007

So the temperatures have dropped signalling the end of summer.
But for me it's perfect!
Not warm, just OK.
As long as it doesn't rain and I can walk into the garden without a cardigan and keep the back door open.

With only 1, the most quiet, boy at home, I thought I deserved a cup of coffee in the morning sun.

So I put a chair ready, made coffee, watched if the door to the frontdoor was open a little bit so I could hear the doorbell, and sneeked outside.

A blackbird looked a bit surprised at my mug.
" bucket with laundrypegs", I mumbled.
One of the last roses was almost shining bright red in the sun.

I sat down... ready to dream about plans for the garden...
when the house next to our neighbour's expelled the noises I know so well from last summervacation.

So I know the next weeks I have to deal with day to day noise of drilling heavily in walls.

Last year they completely spoiled my vacation.
They renovated the neighbouring house.
I was a nervous wreck at the last week, so I told the coordinator that they were completely forgotten to offer us special housing for the duration of the project, even forgot to warn us weeks before so we could make arrangements.

Well, the noise is a bit less. The glasses are not dancing on the shelves, my mugs don't fall down when I open the cupboard.
But the dust in the neighbourhood will be enough to get me coughing for weeks. Unable to bagpipe, unable to feel well. I have asthma.
When I feel energetic again I can start cleaning everything in the house to get all the dust out that has crept in the tiniest corners.

I want to go outside with a banner to protest against this.
I want vacation like everyone else. And I want it NOW!!!

some false prediction

august 28 2007

A woman will get money from a hospital to raise her twins, because the gynaecologist told her she couldn't get more children.

She got pregnant from the kids 13 years ago (!) after she already had 3 children.
The woman now claims 400.000 euro.


I remember that 22 or 23 years ago the professor of gynaecology told me the chance of getting pregnant was a percentage of 0,0000000 and somewhere at the end a 1.
I was shocked and sad.

he didn't reckon with the fact that I wasn't stupid, and I found out I had a hormone problem.
I manage to get it corrected and here we are:
21,5 years later. 6 living children, 2 deceased and 4 miscarriages later.

I was able to get pregnant very well, and even though I couldn't bring them all to a living full term baby, I shocked the odds.

Looking at how things go in my life I doubt if the guy has written his prediction down.

Otherwise I could be rich! LOL!

The woman claims 200.000 a child, that is 6 times..... Woohoo!!!!

Well, let's not dwell on what's lost, but on what's gained.

The freedom of feeling bitter and hatefull towards the professor, the freedom of biting my teeth in all the courtissues.
And above all:
I don't want to give my children the feeling that they're a mistake, an unexpected outcome of a false prediction.

Hmmm...that makes me feel rich...

Monday, August 27, 2007

say it twice

august 27 2007

I don't like that some people don't take the effort to listen well.
One of them is the father of the children.

Today is one of those days he wants to take it easy.

That means he situates himself on the couch with the remote, and right after I've said I want to see a special program, he zaps to a detective and that's it.

One of the boys reminded him: "Mam wants to see something."


"Well, she said it loud and clearly"

The rest of the evening it's the same.
Whatever one of us says, he immediately asks: "what?"

So we keep repeating and we start feeling like we're growing feathers and are turning into parrots.

At last I tell him to give himself time to have his brains process what is said.

Interestingly enough that helps.


Today I had a long talk with the oldest who's moving out.
He's got Asperger and ADD, and has his own perception of the world around him.

He goes to a trainingshouse, and can furnish the room himself.

Problem is... he doesn't know the cost of it all.
And he's got problems dealing with money.

I told him he should know his budget, and he should know the measurements of his room.

He doesn't really care.

Tomorrow he wants to visit one of his favorite stores, Ikea, over an hour bycicling from here.
Just to have a look. I wish he would get the idea (and money from his dad) to bring me the tulpan lamp.
I love it!

When I still lived at home, in the sixties, I had an orange lamp. Very modern at the time.
It was made from 59 pieces of plastic that fitted together.
It took quite some puzzling to make it into a lamp, but I liked to do it, and I loved the lamp.

Wish I could start over again...

Wish I could buy the furniture for his room.... but he needs to do it himself, so I'm stepping back, hoping for a bit of time just for me.

update(s) on yesterday.

Thanks all who mailed and commented on the pain my son had.

He feels much better, but the pain is not gone completely.
So he kept quiet today...

Which is a sign he doesn't feel well. He's a stereotype of someone with ADHD, so when he's silent and not moving around things are still serious.

He wants to go to school tomorrow. I'm OK with that. But I've instructed him to go to the hospital that's near his school.

His autistic brother was far more quiet.
I've been bussy with him all afternoon to get some homework done his brother did in 15 minutes.
When it was finally done I realised that I'd kept one of my hands in a wrist all the time.

In the evening he took every opportunity not to go to bed.
I felt like dealing with a 5 year old....he's 15!!

I had never problems with the children going to bed when they were younger. Luckily I then realised I was lucky...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

autism and asperger

august 25 2007

As expected: today was tense because the boys had to get used to school and now they have time to let the stress come out.

And on top the trip to the hospital of one of the boys.
(It ended well. He feels a lot better and looks better too.)

In the afternoon my autistic boy got a meltdown, after a whole morning and half an afternoon of complaining and moaning.
He got suspicious of a lot of things... which is for me a signal that a meltdown is on his way.

The oldest tried to please him by redoing a bit of wiring on their room, which included a 5 minute break in internetconnection.
I though it wouldn't be a problem after all the bad connections of the last weeks.

Wrong mamma, wrong!

He had a fullblown meltdown... boy, what can that kid scream!

The oldest came down and added to it, and dad was of no help either.

They're were lucky I had a large bucket of laundry in the middle of the room, otherwise I might not have considered, but just would have called psychiatry to collect one of them.
Now I just started to fold the laundry complaining that they never help, they never care and they just use me as their maid. "I have to do everything, they just don't care for other people."

The trick worked... "Can I help", "I can help"...

It's the trick I used when they were two, and it still works. LOL!

Had a conversation with the oldest later.
He can't say farewell to his anger so easy.
So he told me I should put his brother in an institution.
When I said he was the same at that age, he saw no other way than telling me I should have put him away too.

"Well, I wanted you to come as far as you are now, so you can choose your own furniture. You get your own room, and you are learning to become your own boss.
I wanted you to make your own choices and I have supported you as far as it was wise to do so.

"Well, I didn't want to go to the traininghouse".

... I walked outside his room...

There is just soooo much I can take....

Saturday, August 25, 2007

give-away of books

I love books.

Have you already seen that a new site will open soon?
The Long and the Short of It
With reviews, interviews and a lot more.

At the moment they're celebrating in anticipation of the grande opening at the 27th, with a give-away that ends at sunday.

So hop over and have a look. A tote-bag loaded with books is worth it!

son to hospital

august 25 2007

With 6 children there's always something.

This morning I woke up...
One of the boys had pain in his abdomen.
His dad told him to sit in the bath and enjoy the hot water, and went to sleep again.

When I woke up, I felt guilty not being awake earlier.

I talked with my son and decided I didn't want to take any risk.
As he's not waiting for his period I told him to come out.
There's one good diagnostic method with this boy.... if he doesn't hide his male belongings he's really in pain.
Well, he even let me dry his back and legs...

So I woke dad, ordered him to dress and call a taxi, while I helped my son dress.
He didn't even want his trousers, but wanted his trainingstrousers.
So that boy is really ill.

He's with his dad to hospital, to have things checked.
I never bother with the doctor's service that replaces our family doc in the weekend.
It's at the other side of town and they refer to a hospital I don't particularly like.

Now they're to a hospital only 7 minutes away by car.

I have put the laundry outside with instructions for the girls to take what down when it starts raining.

I'll pack things for me and my son.
In case he has to stay I'll go to hospital and stay with him, so I shouldn't forget my meds.

I'll report back here when we're home again.
Let's hope it's false alarm.


They're on their way home.
He's still in pain, but the blood showed no signs of infection.

I can't believe they're sending him home.

Message for Judith: I'll call you when I'm back.
Thought it better not to wake you up and write matters down here.


august 24 2007

The library is a mess at the moment.
For the fourth time I got a card saying we should bring back some books, but we have brought them back already a month ago.

I make a note in my agenda when we brong books back, so we know for sure.

Maybe it has to do with the vacation.
Some of the regular people are on vacation and the fill ins mislay books or don't file them properly when putting back.

Well, the father of the children doesn't mind going there, so...

Friday, August 24, 2007


august 24 2007

We've had a talk with the coordinator of the trainingshouse about the date.
It was quite a surprise to be told september 1 at first and the middle of spetember later.

Well, it turns out that the person who now uses the room leaves at september 1, and not at the end of august.

After the person moves out, the room will be painted and the blue curtains washed.

They expect it to take a week at the most, so september 8 is the expected date he can move in.

We don't need to worry about the office who has to decide about financial support.
We can refer them to her, when they might visit before september 8.
When they haven't taken the decision in time, we need to give him pocketmoney.. but we can manage that.
They keept them very short on money, in our eyes, because they want them to eat at the house.
Well, I agree with that.

An aquaintance offered to drive his stuff to his new room, so that's also arranged.

Strange.... yesterday he was a baby....

Thursday, August 23, 2007

thursday bug

august 23 2007
thursday bug meme

Sometimes it helps to share with others what bugs your mind.
They may have a solution, a kind word, or a smile of encouragement.

This week my thursday bug is:

I'm waiting for the decision from the department of financial support.
My son (with severe asperger syndrome and ADD)
is moving to a trainingshouse and he needs to have financial support to live there.
He has the right to get it,
but our council is wellknown for dragging out procedures far too long.
He needs it september 1.
So it keeps bugging my mind, because he has less than a week left.

What's your thursday bug?

Leave your name and url with Mr Linky so we can find you.

Download the topgraphic of this entry
or one of the foloowing
to your computer and from there to your site.
Link it to this site, so others can find the meme too.

Thanks for participating!


registering 6

august 23 2007

The frontdoorbell.

I was very bussy, and didn't expect any visitors.

Two women.

One with an enormous black balloon of hair on her head.
Because she was little I looked down and saw a spectacle of more black: suit, shoes, stockings.

Because I expected the controlers of the office that has to grant the oldest financial support would come one of these days, I knew this was one of them.

In a bitchy voice she asked if he was at home.

I said "no", and looked at the other woman.
I'd seen that far too short skirt for too broad legs in too colourful leggings.
Well, too for my taste,. She seemed to feel quite happy.
She smiled and her hair moved freely in the wind.

Black: "can we come in?"

Because I love to play games, like being completely stupid, I asked her why she wanted to come in.

"To speak with your son."

"Hmmm...thought I said he isn't at home....
By the way...who are you?"

"We're from the office.. bla bla bla..., and we want to come in."

"Well, that's in conflict what I want, because I don't want you to come in."
In a glace I saw the other woman smile...

Immediately I recognised in her the woman we'd seen last week when we went to his social worker.
So she probably is a social worker too, the one who is for the new developments between The Office and the normal social workers and counselors. Gooood.

Black: "But we need to come in to discuss some matters."

"You can discuss them here.
My autistic son is inside and when you invade my house, I have to deal with the consequences for three days.
And I'm certainly not up to that at the moment, and even more: I'm not willing too."

The black woman was clearly surprised and started to be irritated.

"Are you going to cut him short on his income...if he gets one?"

This is not an unfamilair question for them, because when the controlers are denied entrance they shorten social income. It's all over the papers several times a week.

But I studied the law.

Black: "", looking at the other woman.

"My son lives here, but it's not his house. It's our house, or if you want to be very detailed...we rent, so it's even not our house."
The other woman started to smile very bright.
"When you want to visit my son, you can make an appointment and you can agree on a place to meet.
The law says you have no right to enter a house when the space isn't occupied by the person who asks financial support. The fact that he lives here and not the who family wants financial support means that you can't shorten his income in any way.

I don't want to make it difficult for you, so I'm willing to answer questions, and I can also tell you that he will be living in a trainingshouse next week, so you can visit him there in his room.
"Yes, you have to make an appointment with one of the nurses there", the other woman said. And winked at me.

"But what do I do with the file? What do I do with the file?", asked black.

"You write down that at the moment he is at a meeting to get information about special education for people like him. This is his only chance to be able to work.
That he will be living at the trainingshouse from september 1, and that we need all the paperwork don before that date.
If you have any questions you can contact him tomorrow afternoon when he has a meeting with his social worker. You can speak with them both at the same time.

If you want to know if he's living with someone or seeing someone? The answer is no. He doesn't have a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend. He's got asperger syndrome and is much too involved in his own things to be willing to spend his live doing something else."

The woman kept writing.

"But how do I tell the casemanagaer that I haven't been inside the house?"

"You tell him the law states that entering a house is not allowed when the application of the grant is not from the main occupant.
Apart from that, he is not at home at all at the moment, and you can verify that. Even at his social worker, as she made the appointment between the school and him."

The other woman stepped in telling that the result of going inside would be that one of the other children would get distressed, and they had been told that they never should distress people...."

So they left....
After promising me this would have no influence on the height of his income.


august 23 2007

Ever been glad no one was present when you thought you were doing something right and it didn't work out?

I was.

I picked some flowers from the garden and looked for vase.
The light wasn't very well when I was looking on the shelf, but who cares?

I took the glass vase.. didn't know it was there... cleaned it with the washing up brush, and put the flowers in.

Then took some water in a glass and poured it in...
needed more... poured it in.

Hmm??? Needed even more?????

It wasn't a vase... it was a cap to fit over a lightbulb on a traditional lamp.

Don't tell the kids....LOL!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


august 22 2007

Drama again.

Children with autism have their own way of perceiving reality and their own way of interpreting it.

My son gets afraid of people with certain faces.

I think it's not the face that is the problem, but the fact that the face doesn't always correspond with the feeling the person radiates.
How do you like this way of describing people who aren't honest to others?

One of the teachers at school is a guy we've had troubles with last year.
My father called people like him: "people who have fallen up the stairs.", meaning he's a problem for others because he misuses the power he experiences at a certain position in the hierachie.

My autistic son has that person as a teacher this year.... today.

Do we went through a whole lot of emotions this morning.

His bycicle wasn't OK.... went outside in the rain to check, this was not OK, that was not OK.

Ofcourse I was trying to get him to school. Not only because it's the law, but mainly because he has to learn to deal with people like that.

Well, he threw such a terrible fit, etc etc.

He's still at home....

These are situations people don't understand.
Other children are threatened with punishment and they go.

This child is so afraid of a teacher that he needs help.

So I'm going to inform his mentor about the problem...

another first day

august 22 2007

So the boys had their first real schoolday again.

I guess the stress from the vacation is coming out. Pain in my leg, my back, an infection.
I tried to do a couple of things... took ages.
Then I tried to do something on internet... took ages too.
The connection was so slow, I gave up.

Well, it's better now, but I want to go to sleep.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Boys to school

August 21 2007

Today two of the boys went to school.

My autistic son was rather nervous and tried to stay at home.
He couldn't walk, he said.
He walked in front of me to show it, dragging his body far to the right and left.

I managed to get him under the shower after his pain went less on a vitamin C pretending to be an aspirin.

Ofcourse he had no T-shirt, no trousers.
They were all right in front of him.
It was clear: he couldn't make it to tell me he had no socks.

Both young men went together.

It was great to hear a bit of silence in the house again.

But after a night on only 2 hours I wasn't able to enjoy it well.
I woke up with cramps in my leg, and the pain is still bugging me.
It's an old injury, so when the leg cramps badly it takes days, sometimes weeks to heal again.

2 hours later he was back.
He was very content he got the mentor he wanted.
A very nice lady, who really cares.

After some bad experiences I'm happy he has a mentor who takes an effort to give him a good time at school.

His brother is in the same group too. So that'll be easy at parent evenings.

They start out each day with the first hour of the day.

Last year they had mornings that they weren't expected at school before 10.30, and that gave so much unrest.

I can deal with lack of rhythm and routine, but I don't think it's good for the children.

Hopefully it stays this way, so I can get them all to school at about the same time.
I longed for this a long time!!

Nice Matters Award

august 21 2007

JennieBoo surprised me with an award.

Isn't that great?

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. Once you've been awarded please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

Well, I'm going to give this a good thought.

Two of the winners for me are:
Cindy she's been a friend through good times and bad ones. Always having something to cheer me up. And
Andrena. We've been friends a very long time. She's an inspiring light for many, even though her life isn't exactly a picture of the average boring kind.

More will come.

Thanks Jennieboo. We just recently met, but you're a great and caring woman. And I feel happy to know you.

registering 4

august 21 2007

The oldest will be moving out to a trainingshouse and we're still waiting for a decision about financial support for him.

If there won't be any, he won't be able to go and live there.

A guy from the office called.
He was working on the file (...!) and he wondered how health insurance was taken care of.
Well, he's insured with us and we will pay for him untill dec 31. That's what the insurance wants.

Later he called again. Why my son didn't apply for financial support for the handicapped.
He had been reading and he was sure he would get it.
Ofcourse that's great to know. But that board takes months to decide, and he needs money at september 1.

He called again..and again...

Then told us it was better we gave him the 300 euro untill he got the handicapped-support.
We don't have a tree in the garden that sheds euros.
We don't have a thousand euro to help him out. Otherwise we sure wouldn't have bothered the office.

Well, I wonder when we'll get the official decision.....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

cleaning the pavement

august 19 2007

When I was young the streets in town were neat and clean.
Each week a car came with a man with a huge broom, who swept the borders of the pavement free from leaves and other dirt.

Later it was a car with a kind of turning horizontal circular broom.
It made a tremendous noise...on the monday morning,, and the guy driving it made such brisk turns that everyone with a car speeded outside to get it out of the way.

We, and everyone else who "owned a front door" felt the responsibility to keep the pavement clean and the part of stree in front of the house.

I loved to remove the snow, and often I had cleaned the whole pavement of the street before the men came outside to do their job.
Well, they did my part of the street in return, and that was OK with me.

The busdrivers often stopped to thank us, and so did the old people.

And now??

Now it seems no one really cares.

A person who changed my life

august 19 2007

She was born at one of those days that the temperatures hit through the roof.
It was august.

A friend was delivering her baby when my contractions started.
The midwife was with her, just 5 minutes from our house.

I worked as a pregnancy counsellor those days, and knew that all midwives were bussy at the time, or out of town.
So I just called the midwife, a good friend, telling her I was doing fine.
She told me she was badly in need of sleep and wanted 2 hours of sleep. After that she would come to me.
We laughed and were happy the baby of my friend was healthy and all was well.

15 minutes later the contractions raged through my body. Not a moment of rest between them.

I managed to call my hb downstairs, and he thought I was joking.
5 minutes later he brought me a cup of coffee, saw me, put the mug down and called the midwife.

There was no time to bring the oldest to family, so he took him, looked which of the neighbours was already awake and told them they had to watch our boy.

I nearly gave birth without someone present. It didn't worry me a bit, because I was so happy that I finally would see this little miracle.

She was born when my hb was still on the phone asking for a nurse, and the midwife entered the room.
Her's was the easiest delivery of all, and the most beautiful.

She was awesome.

All day and all night she stayed with me in my arms.

There she suddenly died the next day.


She changed my life as no one ever has done.

Holding her little body, seeing her peaceful face, took away all feelings towards death I had before she died.

I learned that even though we bury the body, the spirit of the person stays with us.

Dealing with all arrangements, with the grief of others, with my own grief, gave me insight in myself, my place in the world.
I had to deal with being a mother and taking care of my son, seeing to it that he wouldn't be traumatised by loosing his little sister, and with wanting to be a mother of a baby that wasn't there anymore.
Life went on, and came to a standstill.
People send me flowers and condolances, and others quickly went inside when I walked in the street and passed the garden they were working in.

The baby of my friend was alive, the baby of my niece died

We shared our feelings, when another couple asked if we would be able to talk to them. They had lost a baby too.
(We've questioned ourselves ever since if all these unexpected deaths had to do with Chernobyl. The nuclear disaster happened during pregnancy.)

Because I was already a pregnancy counsellor, and had councelled terminal patients, I was asked to start a grief group for parents.
After quite some hesitation, I decided to start a group.

Within a few months we had 4 groups and a few months more I worked all evenings and the weekends.
During these meetings we came across many problems and mistakes, many regrets and many wishes.

We started with the little changes at the cementeries.
We wanted more opportunities to add art to the graves.

We also wanted the hospitals to take more care of the parents.
Before the babies were removed after they died and the parents could never see them again.
Due to an australian movie we found the motivation to make clear to hospitals and midwifes that it's good that parents can see their babies. Even hold them if they want to.

With a group of parents we shared our experiences and feelings to make clear it's better to be able to say a proper goodbye to the baby.

Later we got hospitals to make prints of feet, to make photos.

Slowly a whole movement toward a different way of dealing with died babies grew.
We even were able to change the law, so babies needn't be buried in a coffin. We got insurances changed, so we could properly bury premature babies. And a lot more.

During all this time I went through the pain, the loss, and all the other feelings mothers like me experience.
It gave insight in who I was at the time, in how I dealt with pain and death.
Life taught me in it's own way, and enabled me to help others.

My little girl made me aware how precious each life is.
That we have to take care of it, not how we like it for ourselves, but how it is best for the child.

I've enjoyed my other children so very much. They were a gift each and every day.

She also made clear to me how I feel about war.
Innocent children die. It can't be we fight for each and every life in the hospitals, but accept that bullets and bombs also hit children and pregnant mothers.

She made me aware how teachers treat my children.
Each child needs respect, not because it has done all the homework, but because it's a precious life.

I feel far too many people take children for granted.

The changes and development in society are not taking into account that children only do well when they get a proper upbringing and proper education.
Mothers have to work, and most of the time they're far too tired to give their children all the attention they should have.

Etc etc.

Well, after my little girl I received more children.
And because some turned out to be handicapped the choice to stay at home was the only choice I wanted to make.
When a psychiatrist wanted to put one of the children in an institution when things didn't go well for a while, I fought a firm battle. She even wanted to get a court order, but I knew that sedative medication and isolationrooms are not the way to treat autistic children, so I stood firm.

I couldn't fight death, but with what I learned I could fight the living.

written for the writing project at Summer's Nook.

Saturday, August 18, 2007


august 18 2007

This year the lavender wasn't beautiful enough to make little bouquets and to surprise teachers and friends.

YesterdayI cut it all off and today I took the leaves off.

Like I expected the girls got interested and next week we're going to make little lavendersachets.

I don't have lace, but I have some flowery fabric.

Now I have to find a box with time....

What do you do with lavender?

Jos Brink

august 18 2007

Jos Brink died today.

July 26 it was announced that he was diagnosed with cancer of the intestines, with metastases in his lungs, lymphe and leg.

Yesterday we got the news that he was kept in an artificial coma to give his body the chance to recover from 3 operations.
It went through my mind he might die, before being able to say goodbye to his partner and friends. But I just couldn't believe he wouldn't recover.
In my life he was an ever present inspiration.

He was the guy that revived the art of musicals in our country.
His voice, his presence, his pronunciation... he was such a strong personality on stage, and such a good friend of those he worked with, that he was able to bring the best out of all.

He was able to bring their skills to such a height that we were able to get international appreciation.

But he was so much more.
He was a gifted writer, wrote 40 books. Maybe even more.

He was a charming and enthousiastic presenter. Being himself on stage gave others the opportunity to stay the way they were.
He created many spontaneic events.
When he wanted to congratulate our Queen with her birthday he kissed her like a good friend.
He was the first to kiss her in public and she enjoyed every tenth of a minute of it.

Who would have thought that the shy, well dressed boy who announced the Beatles, Roy Orbison and many more would be so talented?

He was not a person who lived for applause only.

Because he felt he wanted to bring balance in his own life and the lifes of others he studied theology and became a pastor. When he wasn't on stage, he was helping people deal with life, and he was not afraid to be with them during their last days and moments.

I feel so sorry for his partner and his friends.
I can only hope that they will feel his energy and strength when they remember him.

He was one of the big and the good ones, and he died far too young.

Friday, August 17, 2007

a day missing or a day extra

august 17 2007

I can't believe it!

I lived yesterday like it was friday already.

Am I going nuts already?

I arranged things like saturday was only one night away, kept looking at the site of the friday meme and ofcourse it wasn't there.
Even that didn't ring a bell.

Strange is that I woke up this morning and wasn't amazed it was friday... so something must have healed this delusion of time when I was asleep.

The reason?
I think it's quite simple.
I'm not used to the schoolrhythm yet, because only 2 of the 6 are going to school now.
And the balletlessons haven't begun yet, so the week isn't a normal one yet.

Well, today I did all the fridaythings, like digging up laundry, writing down which groceries are needed, cleaning a bit here and there.

But did I miss a day yesterday, or was today a day extra?
What do you think.
Ever had a similar experience?

dangerous lightbulbs

august 17 2007

Always follow your intuition.

And always have smokealarms in your house.
If possible one in each room, bedrooms included.


Read this exprerience.

Need I say more?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I didn't like this day

august 16 2007

I didn't like this day...not at all.

We always try to give each child the opportunity to go where he wants to go in the summervacation.
We can't go all together, so dad takes the children on a trip.
He can travel by train for free and take someone with him for 60% of the fee.

Today he was supposed to go with his autistic son.

I already planned to clean windows, do a few jobs he doesn't like to be done because of the smell of cleaning liquid.
I also longed for some silence in my head and a day without anticipating problems, strategic thinking and correcting behaviour.

One enormous shower of rain made him back out of the plan.

I had a meeting about the plans of my oldest to move out, and when we came back the house was full of stress.

I guess the boy in question was angry at himself, but couldn't break though his own problems.
Nor could his dad.

It took me hours to calm him down, but when an older brother came in it all started again.
The complaining, the repetitive movements, and the loud talking. Ugh.

Instead of some silence at the time my little baby died so many years before, I was caught up in the feeling of desperation.
There is always someone not content... and it eats energy.

Near dinnertime I was ready to throw all peeled potatoes right in his face, colouring his eyes an interesting array of colours. But instead I cooked them, browned the chicken and cooked vegetables.
My head was aching, and I felt so angry with him and life.

Then suddenly I told him to keep his mouth closed for a minute and listen.
"You're going to The Hague with your father on sunday. You will go by train.
You can have a walk near the govenrmental buildings, go to sea and get shells, and when you don't like this you have to come up with something else."

He was caught.
Went to look up The Hague on internet, then got himself lost in eating dinner and forgot he was in a superdedupercomplaining mood before.

He didn't even complain about desert.

recycling plastic in The Netherlands

august 16 2007

The media are buzzing, but the citizens of The Netherlands take the new governmental plans of recycling plastic with a calm attitude.

They're already used to separating paper, glass, tins, textile and greenwaste (garden and vegetable waste) from the normal household waste.
So adding plastic to their job of taking care of the environment is yet another task.

Not all, however, are pleased by the way the extra costs are paid.
Even though the government mentions in her official press releases that she will pay for the extra costs of bringing plastic from the individual households to the waste, in fact the consumer is going to pay through extra taxes on plastic containers and other packing materials.

It's interesting though that this little country takes such huge steps to make life as environmentally friendly as can be.
With part of the country suffering from the fumes that are blown from the German Ruhrgebiet (an intensive industry area), and parts dealing with pollution caused by rivers that enter the country from countries that are higher above sealevel, The Netherlands has to deal with the waste of other countries and it's own densily populated country.

An example for many...who follows?

This post is NOT sponsored.

British Gas Launches Greenest Energy Tariff

august 16 2007

More and more countries try to develop methods not only to make people aware of their influence on the environment, but also to make them actively involved in deiminishing pollution. The way energy is gained needs to be cleaner.

Wind farms emit no carbon at all, are relatively low maintenance and don't use up the reserves of gas, coal and wood.
The same goes for solar energy.
Solar water heating collectors are panels that absorb the energy from the sun and transfer it to heat water.
Photovoltaic or solar electric panels are panels that transform the solar radiation directly into electricity.

These clean ways of gaining energy are demonstrated in PROGEM. It's a vehicle display - called the Green Energy Machine (GEM), which visits schools to teach the new generations how easy it is to take care of our future.

Targetted at their parents are green energy tariffs.
British gas launched this information.

Press Release:


9 August 2007: British Gas has announced it is launching two new green energy tariffs, Zero Carbon, which will be the greenest tariff available on the domestic market and Future Energy. British Gas has launched the tariffs, in response to the increasing demand for green energy products.

Householders signing up to the Zero Carbon tariff will:
• reduce their household energy carbon emissions to zero through Kyoto compliant offset schemes which will meet the new Defra requirements
• help fund a direct increase in investment in renewable energy generated in the UK
• contribute to the new British Gas green fund which will:
o invest in developing new renewable technologies such as wave power
o oversee a programme to help schools in the UK reduce their CO2 emissions

GearĂ³id Lane, Managing Director British Gas New Energy said,”Our new tariff responds to consumer demand for truly green energy solutions. It is essential that customers have confidence in green energy tariffs and that their credibility is not damaged by tariffs that claim to be green but in reality do not deliver any incremental environmental benefits. Green tariffs are moving from niche to mainstream products and we’re leading the industry by offering a tariff that will do more for the environment than any other product currently available.”

Under the government’s Renewables Obligation (RO), electricity suppliers in the UK are already required to produce an increasing percentage of their electricity through methods such as wind farms which, unlike traditional power plants, produce zero carbon emissions. For 2007/2008 this figure is set at 7.9%.

In a recent report, the National Consumer Council (NCC) raised concerns that some energy suppliers are packaging electricity which is produced under the RO scheme as “green”, yet it delivers no additional environmental benefits. The NCC called on energy suppliers to take steps beyond their legal requirements and offer green energy tariffs that provide genuine additional environmental benefits, in particular CO2 emissions reduction.

British Gas worked with Global Action Plan and The Climate Group’s “We’re in this Together” campaign to develop Zero Carbon which goes further than any other green tariff in meeting these requirements offering consumers the only zero carbon option on the market.

The tariff carries a premium of £84 per year, reflecting the higher cost of producing energy through lower carbon emission schemes.

Virginia Graham, Chair of Global Action Plan, said, “The British Gas Zero Carbon tariff delivers on all three of the essential requirements of a green tariff which are: additionality, transparency and verifiability. As such it is a very welcome new offering in the market. Consumers signing up to the tariff can be confident that they are getting 12 per cent more renewable energy than they would otherwise have got. The carbon emissions from their electricity and gas will also be offset with emissions reductions from projects accredited by the United Nations.”

Zero Carbon is one of the first initiatives launched through the ‘We’re in this Together’ campaign, which was launched in April 07 as an alliance of some of the UK’s biggest brands who are all working to help their customers reduce their impact on the climate.

Dr Steve Howard, CEO of The Climate Group and founder of ‘We’re in this Together’ said, “We’re committed to offering people ways to make a real impact on climate change through We’ve worked with British Gas to ensure that Zero Carbon is a genuine step forward in delivering more environmental benefits than any other tariff currently available.”

British Gas’s second green energy tariff, Future Energy, offers an alternative green electricity tariff at a premium of just £20 per year. Customers signing up to this tariff will contribute to a green fund which will provide solar panels and other renewable energy technologies to UK schools. Money from the fund will also be invested in development of future renewable technologies and sources.

To sign up customers can call British Gas on 0845 604 0055 or visit

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

It's just a day.. a strange day.

august 15 2007

It's always strange to remember the birthday of someone who has died many years ago.
Especially when it's my own little baby.

Each years is different.
Some years I cry before, other years I cry after the day.
Now many people have forgotten about her the day is not broken by unexpected visitors that force me into keeping conversations going. I'm perfectly OK with that.

My few familymembers are out of the picture. They lead their life the way they want to, and it's not to me to vent my opinion about it. They have opinions enough sounding in eternity, none is waiting for mine to be added.

But on days like these it's strange people just don't bother to care.

Some online friends have been very kind.
This baby was expected with so much love, accepted with so much love.

It was strange to find mail on the doormat from the commission that had to allow the oldest to get the care he needs.
It's one of those paradoxical times in life when you mourn a child that could have had all the love and care in the world and passed away too soon, and to prepare for another child to leave the nest.
A child that couldn't cope with all the love and care he received. He (with his asperger syndrome) couldn't feel it all.

There's a bit of anger added to it.
I couldn't get no means of proper assistance all the years he lived here. 21,5 years.
Not even a specially educated babysitter.
I was the psychologist and mother, so I had to educate and guide my son, give him therapy and everything else. I had to stay awake 20 hours a day because he slept only 4 hours a night, or I worked around the clock with naps of 10 minutes, because he functioned best with an inverted day-night rhythm.

Now he's moving to a traininghouse, and probably into sheltered living afterwards, he can get all the help he needs.

Well, at least I can get more sleep now I'm moving into that part of life in which people sleep less.

I've spend the afternoon pruning trees in the front garden.
The rain of the last days gave some branches more than 20 cm extra, some 40 cm.
They looked like grapsing arms in the dark last night.
Now the trees look like proper town-trees again. Not too high, round.
I love high trees and I would have given them all room to grown of not the house owner will come with his big electric saw and kill them like they're just waste of nature when we leave this house.

So I make them behave, like I taught my children to behave ...not to disturb other people.

The day passed like a candle that slowly evaporates.

Wish my little girl had been able to stay longer.
She would have smiled to me, and maybe we had taken a long walk beneath the stars.

good news

august 15 2007

Got a mail this morning.
One part of the paperwork for the oldest moving out is done.
He's got an indication for protected living.
That means he's officially allowed to live in the traininghouse, and the special care will be paid for.

Now we're still waiting for the financial support for the rent.

yep..I have

august 15 2007

Are you too one of those people who open a package of eggs and find one broken?

I am.

So guess which battery I have in my N-cellphone...

Yep: BL-5C

Ofcourse I had a look after recharging the battery and not before.

So I'll return a fully charged battery to the shop...
Now I can only hope they still have a new one for me.

Never expected me to have a problem battery.

It seems like there are a lot of worldwide recalls these last months.
Cars, toys, now this.

Do you have the same idea?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Registering 3

august 14 2007

The oldest is applying for financial support for protected living.
(In case you're interested. see registering 1 and registering 2.

His dad went to hand in the paperwork this morning.
Turned out they had planned a talk with the oldest.
Ha! Is he lucky!
And so are they, because talking with him is not easy, because of his ADD and asperger syndrome.

We have to slow down things two days, because then his social worker is back, and I hope she'll take it from there.

I hate dealing with that department. I simply hate it.

I still remember when the father of the children lost work when he was ready with his post doctorals and we had to hand in everything. Bank, giro, whatever.
I'd done some shopping for the neighbour, just to help out. And the woman kept asking why and how and what.
Well, it was none off her business if he bought cheese or pencils. But she kept asking.
I felt she was invading our privacy far too much and was taking over my life.

Then the doc ordered a new mattress because of my backproblems.
The father of the kids has some discs that have grown together, but he has no pain at all.
He got a new mattress, I didn't. So we turned in the request again.
I had to undress completely for that weird doc. I refused. Even the gynaecologist didn't need me to undress com-ple-tel-ly.

Well, I got my matress, and he got a complaint. LOL!
And when the father of the children started to work again they wanted the money back. They stripped us completely financially for months! Added to it we would never have bought them at the shop they wanted us to buy, so we didn't even have the matresses we wanted.

I guess I still feel angry.

In our town the financial support services (mind the last word...hmm) are the worst of the country.
They walk in unannounced and look into your wardrobes.
Oh...they kindly ask. But when you refuse they say you have something to hide and you won't get support or far less.
Well, the oldest is living here, and we never ever have asked one penny support.
I won't let them in, because we're not asking support. The oldest is.

I'm so tired of this long "vacation" that they will be surprised by either my very businesslike attitude or my emotional outburst. LOL!
Seeing I almost never burst out... I probably slam them with law-articles around their ears.

Monday, August 13, 2007

first schoolday!

august 13 2007

Maybe I have to declare our house each morning a true hairsalloon.
Oh my dear. The girls took ages to do their hair.

One of them made braids last night... about 10.
And she couldn't get the last two loose...

I think she won't do this again in a long time.
But she looked wonderful with those little curls in her hair.
When she came home for lunch it was all gone. The morningmist had been too much for those little artificial curls.

School went well.
Just like we all expected.

After school they enjoyed the very nice weather, and so did the laundry.
I got it all in when the first drops of rain came down.

I'm preparing a letter for school.
They failed to hand me the results (at the end of last year) of the special tests one of the girls needs to take to evaluate her progress. She's very dyslectic, and bright too.
Without a protocolled system to tackle her problems I have to keep track of it. No one else does.

The oldest has to hand in the paperwork tomorrow.
All is done and copied.
We were talking after dinner about the way people are treated at the office there and suddenly I asked his dad: can you hand over the paperwork. If it's not done well enough you can give them all the answers rightaway.

And thus it will happen.

That way we know for sure tha paperwork gets where it needs to be.

paperwork - reflection of life

august 13 2007

I had to dig up all paperwork from the oldest son, so I decided to do it well and took all letters and forms of all the children to file them.

Never should have done that!

It was quite a huge pile and by the time I'd done it all hours had passed and when the maps were put away I realised that the most important letter wasn't found.
Well, I'm not going through the files again now. Maybe tomorrow.

Seeing all the assessments of the psychiatrists, letters from school, letters to school... it makes clear my children are far from normal.
Well, ofcourse I knew that.
But when you have their stories all in front of you on the table it hard to wonder if normal families have to deal with so much.

I've been bloghopping today (for a research on blogvisits and returnvisits), and I've seen many cute photos of smiling children, proud parents.
Read stories of day to day life.
Read the dreams of pregnant women.

I had the same dreams... and when the babies were born they all seemed to be perfect.

Now the first one soon moves to a traininghouse.
He won't move out, like I did, to a studenthouse and experience all sorts of social circles, have fun and grow.
He will move to other people who deal with his imperfections with professional care. They go home each evening, have their own lives, and he will always experience his own boundaries.

I wish he would have learned more... but he can't...

School starts, and the struggle to give them the best I can.
But there is never the best, nor second best, because the system is made for the average pupil, not for extremely intelligent children with a lack of social abilities, or with severe dyslexia.

On wednesday I remember my little girl.
She died many years ago in my arms after I welcomed her with pure happiness to the world.

I love my children, but sometimes I feel I've failed as a mother.
I know that isn't really true, but I feel that way.
Like that day that I was showering and I saw the breastmilk disappearing in the water.
Yes, my body was OK. But the baby was gone.

All that's left is paperwork.

And the images in my mind...

Sunday, August 12, 2007


august 12 2007

Ofcourse we went to the lake this evening.
It's the perfect spot to see the sky.
Well, relatively perfect, as there's still a lot of light.

People keep on lights beside their houses, streetlanterns are spreading light.

But the sky was clear, and we could see deep into space.

Within a minute we saw 3 shooting stars. And two more when we walked home.
Such beauty!
One of them was very long and bright.

Looking to the sky at the lakeside makes me forget everything and yet remember everything.

My dad and I used to look at the sky, so maybe that's why I get the feeling I belong here on earth.
But it also makes me feeling so bestranged about a lot of things human beings worry about, take their time for, spend money on.

Knowing there are millions of people in asia without home because of the floodings makes me wonder about how people can worry about the colour and prize of the tiles for their bathroom.
Knowing about the children on earth dying from hunger makes me wonder about the time people invest in planning menues. Isn't it taking the place of gratitude?
Knowing that so many people are denied entrance in a country at borders of countries makes me wonder why people think they deserve a better life than others.

Maybe the little walks to the little lake under the endless sky, knowing I'm not even a dot in the universe, makes me accept the little house we have, the struggle for something extra each day, the feeling I'm locked in a life that should be far better because I too deserve a caring husband instead of someone who follows his auti-like impulses.

It's seeing these skies, and this little bit of water, surrounded by bushes and trees, that levels out what makes my life my life.

I don't often talk about religion. People in my country don't.
But these moments are far better than preaches about the commandments.
Because these moments make clear that whoever you are, the world continous turning.
Whatever you wear, these falling stars are beautiful.

It was only a short walk.
There were people near the gardens and I didn't trust them.
Caught one wetting the fence of one of the houses.. so I wanted our gardendoor closed.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

I'm ready

august 11 2007

I'm ready for the schools to begin.

Well, to be honest, I would love to have the girls at home forever, but I'm done with all those male hormones.

My autistic son is hypersensitive for smells.
Not for his own.... but for cleaningliquids and such.

I was swapping the room this morning and I got so many comments about smell, that I had to remind myself that I'm far past puberty and I won't start a row.

But, oh, I wanted to.

So I breathed in and out, in and out, and quietly told him to clean the room himself and I would be OK if he did it, but only if it would give the same clean result as I get.

I sounded like an advertisement and I almost got the bottle of the cleaningstuff to show on my hip, telling it's the best and certainly the most economic stuff, especially when used with a bit of desinfectant.

But instead I just felt tired.
When will the days come when I can sweep and swap, clean and climb, just the way I want, without comments......

Breastcancer diagnosis

august 11 2007

I'm very happy with the developments in breast cancer diagnostics.

Mammograms are used worldwise as screeningtools, and they're saving lots of lives, but not all breastgrowths are discovered, so there are still woman who discover their cancer too late.

I knew that intensive MRI studies were conducted, part of it here at our own university, but it's always up to the researcher to inform the media.

They did.

Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that these are the first results of studies and that it takes quite some time to confirm them and to get enough funds to start using MRI's as a screeningtool.

But the results were interesting enough to present them to the world.

MRI's are far better than mammograms (90% vs 56%) in detecting nonmalignant tumors called ductal carcinoma in-situ, or DCIS.
These are growths that can turn into cancer, so using MRI is not only saving lives, it's also a means to prevent having cells in your body that can turn into life threatening danger.

As there are far more other kinds of growths and cancers, it's important that mammograms are not abandoned.

Before women are screened with MRI too, many issues need to be solved.
MRI's find all sorts of growths, some are not dangerous at all, and never will be.
MRI can't be used for all cancers, so patientgroups need to be defined and diagnosed in other ways.
MRI scans are very expensive. $1,000 to $1,500 per scan.

So untill more research is conducted we women have to go through the breastflattening experience if we want to stay on top of what our bodies do.

Friday, August 10, 2007

the necklace

august 10 2007

Remember I took care of some houses and everything in it when the owners were on vacation?

While they were shedding their stress at the beach, I ventilated their rooms, took care of the weeds in the garden and smothered their plants in the best love I had. (Well, what was left after caring for the kids here. LOL!)

My direct neighbours are always very grateful with chocolate for the kids or something else for the whole family.
This year Italy was the destination, and we were surprised with a huge...really very huge bag of pasta of all colours.

The kids loved it. (We're now looking for families that still have to leave for Italy... I'll take care of the weeds...LOL!).

A family, that needs a firm walk to their house, is not always very grateful.
They take others for granted, so I wasn't surprised not even to get a "Thank you", when I gave them the keys back.

To my surprise I got a visit this afternoon.

I got a nice "thank you for caring for our house, the mail, the plants, the garden."

And on top of it a nice necklace made of little turcoise stones.

I'm still amazed.

last day of girls vacation

august 10 2007

So this is the last day of the girls' vacation.

One of the girls went to a friend last night.
She's having a great time there.

The other one is at home.

She watched Tv this morning, then had a shower and soaked herself for over an hour in a berry bathgel.
When she came downstairs she looked like a model.
She'd managed to find a nice combination of clothes with glitteres and now she's a sparkling princess.

They've had a good time, they've both told me.

I always feel they're not getting enough.

Life has to offer so much more for other girls of 11.

Each day they have to cope with 4 brothers with autism disorder.
That's not easy.

Mothers of friends and the teachers at school say they're very good in observing the emotions of others and taking into account their influence on others. They're good listeners and are very good at problem solving.

Well, if you see it that way, they've been given something some other people won't master in a complete life.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

registering 2

august 9 2007

I'm breathing in and out real slow....

No, it's not the mouse...

It's the whole matter to get all the paperwork done so my oldest with Asperger syndrome can go and live at the trainingshouse per september 1.

He should be getting financial support. So he went to apply for it.

They've made a mistake.

OK, that can happen.

Today he went again, with his dad.

They were there when the office opened.
Still they were made to wait 2 hours!!!!!
They had taken one of the girls with them, and she wasn't allowed in.
So she had to stay in the hall, unsupervised.

I'm sorry, that makes me mad!

On top of it he isn't registered yet, because they needed all the paperwork redone, inclusing doctor's reports and the whole bit.

I'm sorry, but that makes me so mad!!!!

I hate paperwork, and especially when I have to do it twice or even more times.

And sometimes they won't accept it when I arrange matters, because he's above 21.

Well, he's mentally handicapped.
He can't focus long enough to see a match burn.

Hmmm...nice example. Maybe I should burn the whole lot pf papers.

last week of vacation: rain

august 9 2007

It's pouring again.
I can't believe the children aren't granted even a complete week of sun.

I feel so sorry for them.

One of the girls went with her dad to work.
She's a small pretty thing, with a broad smile. People like to give her sweeties and cakes.
At this time of year there's a computer available, so she can play around with "paint", write little stories to print, and do online educational games.
She needs to do a bit of catch up on grammar and calculation, and she loves to do the educational games.
No problem there.

The other girl is at home.
Her room is made into a barbie paradise by now.

At the beginning of the vacation the girls got a casefull, literally, of real barbies and accessories.
Can't believe someone just gave them away.
She told us they were her daughters and if we wouldn't accept it, it would go to the waste.

So both girls...and the boys, have something to do today.

But it would have been better to have sun.
It looks like evening here. Ugh!

a mouse

august 9 2007

I spotted him when I was making a photo in the garden.
At first he didn't see me.

He was too bussy sniffing around,
looking to find a way to get off that huge container.

I guess he found his way there by hopping on it from a bycicle.

But the bike was gone.

On one side a prickly rose formed a natural boundary to his feelings of freedom.
On two other sides the gaping depth of distance were luring to eat him.

No there wasn't a cat at the fourth side.

He didn't even see me.

He just didn't know if he wanted to jump between the berriebranches that were moving in the wind.

Then he saw me.

His beadlike eyes glistened in the sun.

I guess I wasn't his type.

He looked again to the berriebranches.
Should he?
Would he?

Nearby a bird started to sing and disturbed his calm thoughts of an easy escape.

In fact, the bird startled him so much
that he jumped about 10 cm up
and then fell between the berriebranches,
got hold of one and jumped to freedom.

I don't mind mice.But my boys do!


Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Crystal's give-away

august 8 2007

Crystal is organising give-away with as the main prize: a $25 Vision Forum Gift Certificate.
In addition she also draws winner for a few CD's.

Why not hop over to her interesting site and read, subscribe to the newsletter, buy an ebook or something else.


We sorted out all pencils.

Those the girls want for school, and those that are for here at home.

We sorted them to color and then put them in the boxes they bought last year.

Bit by bit we're preparing for school.

I can't believe the vacation is nearly over.
I just can't believe it!!

My grandmother's plates

august 8 2007

My grandmother used to have plates with coloured rims.
I always took the one with the aqua rim, my gram the one with the pink rim, my uncle the yellow rim.

She ad them for years... well, to be honest, she had a large family and she had two piles of them. Huge piles.
She was ready for the occasional dishwashing disasters. LOL!

Last week I saw that one of the shops here had the same plates.
So I managed to get someone fetch them for me.

The same colour of aqua, the same pink and the same sunny summer bright yellow.

I now have my own dishwashing disaster system.
The plates are made from mepal, a firm plastic material that won't break as easily as the normal plates.

The kids love them.
And I love my memories.


august 8 2007

One of the boys went to the centre for work and income to get financial assistance.
He's accepted at the trainingshouse and it means he's moving out.

Last week he went to apply for social income, which shouldn't be a problem at all, especially as his social worker did all the paperwork. I added a long letter to explain the situation from a different angle, also pressing them to take quick action so we get things arranged for september 1.

When he brought the paperwork home I didn't like the fact that they regisred a profession.
From someone who is not able to finish school?????

So I wrote a letter stating that I thought they didn't understand what's the matter and what he needs.
He doesn't need them pressuring to find a job, he needs money to pay the rent at the trainingshouse and permission to go to a special college that give highly individualised training and support to find work after that.
The centrum for work and income needs to give him permission to go to that college while having social support.

Got a call today.
There has been made a mistake. He was filed under the job applications.

The lady was very kind. But we need to reapply and mom needs to go with him to supervice to whole process.

I was too tired to explain I'm stuck in the house...

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Dilemma for a young girl

august 7 2007

Sometimes life offers dilemas and one of the girls had one.
It was tough to find a way out without hurting someone.

We haven't been on vacation.
No summercamp, nothing.

So the children saw other people leave and had to find ways to enjoy themselves and have a happy vacation without being at a camp, abroad or at summerschool.

No problem.
We just slipped in a kind of summerroutine.
Especially as the weather was bad almost all the time.

Now families come back home, because schools for the young ones start next monday.

One of the girls wants to be a friend of one of my girls.
Her mother thinks we're a good match, so she's arranging things, is creating opportunities for her daughter.
I bet she is a loving mom.

But she doesn't care much about the feelings of others.

They're pefectly OK to stand at the door in the morning at 8. Even after I told her it interfered very much with the safe feeling of my autistic son. Meaning he would be unhappy for the rest of the day.
It's OK to come at 10... but at 8... We have only one shower for 8 people, so we're not even showered at that time during the vacation.

She called yesterday. It was almost 22.00 hours, so we wondered who called us with which pressuring issue.
It was the girl. She wanted one of my girls to come over and sleep there.

Well, my girls were already to bed, so she was told that my daughter would call back whenever she had the time. For today and tomorrow things were planned, so it might be a while before she would get a call.

This morning the phone rang.
The mother. If we had given the message to our daughter and why she hadn't called back.
They wanted her to come to sleep there.

In a way I felt they didn't care about what my daughter wanted.

So me and my girl had a long talk about friendship. About being honest in a friendship.
Not only towards someone else, but also towards yourself.

She told that she experienced that "friendship" as a burden, but that she didn't want to disappoint the girl or make her feel unhappy.

We made plans for the only evening that was not yet taken in her agenda, so she can honestly say them she can't come to sleep there.
We also agreed she would be honest when the mother would say she would miss out on a lot of fun.
She feels she has fun at home too. And she likes to be with her twinsis. She doesn't feel she misses out of the fun.

Isn't it great to be able to talk about these things with my daughter?

The Money Museum

august 7 2007

One of the most favorite trips of the children is a museum that was called the Coin Museum and now is called the Money Museum.

They begged and begged to go there again this vacation and today Jim took them with him to work and dropped them of in the afternoon at the museum.

The museum is housed in one of the monumental buildings. Entering it created a feeling of being rich and famous.
The building is the best place they could have choosen to educate people about money and it's cultural aspects.
At 1911 the Dutch coins were made at that place.

Utrecht has been the place where they made our Dutch money for a long time.
At the end of the nineteenth century it happened at the Oude Gracht in the centre of the city.
It's now the central place for people who want to shop and sit down to drink and eat something.

At the beginning of the twentieth century the building couldn't house the industry anymore.
The Coinmaster Van den Wall Bake wanted a building situated at one of the best canals, and it needed to have enough space for future expansion.
They found a place on the gorunds of the former beetrootsugarfactory at the Merwede Kanaal and the Leidse Rijn.
The building was finished in 1911, and ever since the Dutch coins are made there.

Between 2005 and 2007 it was restaurised and parts were rebuilt in the former style.
Now it still houses the coinfactory. The museum is added.

It's not only a museum to look around, it's also a museum that gives children the opportunity to make their own fake money and do a lot of other things.

When the girls came there it was like children had taken over the complete museum.
Probably because it's free for children from 0 to 17.

The girls had their photos taken and they were embedded in fake bills of 1.000.000. LOL!

Upstairs I have a little box with lots of coins they made there.
And now papermoney is added.

And the memory of the bright smiles of both little ladies.

Monday, August 6, 2007

A short history of colloidal silver - from coin to Mesosilver

august 6 2007

Silver has always had a powerful attraction to me.
So it's fun to find out more about it.

Silver, as a mineral, was already used at 4000 B.C.
The Persians put their water in silver vessels, to prevent illnesses from drinking water.
If they knew how it worked? I doubt it.
But they were clever enough to be aware of the disinfectant capacity of silver, and so were the ancient Babylonians and Greek.
As were the Romans. They also used silver for medical treatments, and untill today many civilisations use silver compounds to treat burns and open wounds.
Silver was also used to disinfect water and milk. That's why the old quaichs (scottish drinking vessels) had a coin laid in at the bottom.

Too much silver in the blood leads to a greyish, bluish skin, called argyria.
Royalty not only used silver in drinks, but they also used silver utensils and tableware during an extended period. Thanks to the skincoloration they were said to be of blue blood.

Almost all our grandparents, and even most parents, got a drop of silver nitrate in the eyes after birth to protect against germs that were transmitted from the mother to the child, or from the midwife to the baby.

Do you know that NASA uses a silver based water purification system?

Untill now people use silver in different forms to prevent infections and to cure them. Noses, lungs, throats and all sorts of other places of infections are targetted by watery solutions, glycerine solutions or others with fine powedered silver.
There has been so many written accounts of the healing power of silver, that I don't know how many ilnesses and infections it prevents and cures. It's a lot!

With the discovery of penicilline and other antibiotics silver was pushed to the background. It was far more interesting to use modern medicine and products from procedures that normal people couldn't understand.

But the people who were in favor also did their research and they found a way to produce silverpowder that was so fine that the eye couldn't see it.
A colloid consists of ultra fine particles that are typically 0.1 to 0.001 of a micron in diameter, which are suspended in a medium.

We now know that colloidal silver doesn't have the adverse effects of the old ways of administering, and it doesn't interact (to my knowledge) with any other medication.

With the development of even more advanced methods scientists were able to change the properties of these small particles.
Research showed that it's not the amount of particles alone that causes colloidal silver to be effective.
It's the area of the particle that defines it's availability - it's surface area.

So you have to be aware of what you buy, because you can spend a lot of money on a lotion with huge visible particles of silver and see no effect whatsoever.

I've been asked if there are people who are allergic to silver.
There's a relatively very small group, so when you're allergic to silver, don't use it.
Also read the disclaimer at the site of the manufacturer.

BB is watching us.

august 6 2007

Proud of freedom of speech?

Someone else is proud of taking control of this basic freedom.

It's unbelievable what we all have to give up.
Not only those who voted for this kind of government,
and those who live in the country of that government,
but also people who have no intention ever to go there.

Here in my country we have strong privacy laws.
No-one messes with our mail unless a judge issues a court-order to tap phones or scan mails.
It's almost never done.

I'm not sure how much freedom of speech is granted to me if I ever have the intention to visit my online friends at the other side of the world.
Yes, we're talking about that distance.
And yes, I have some very intense criticism about certain issues at the other side of the world.

Some friends love to discuss matters, compare things between their and my country.

We're a country that has suffered terrorism in very intense ways.
Classes of schoolchildren were involved, people on trains.
It made the international media, but I think none abroad will ever remember what we had to deal with.

The terrorists, the brains ordering them around... they all stopped their actions.

Never true violations of our freedom were involved in counteracting them, never violation of privacy of normal people.

It's obvious our government is not trusted... why still want us as allies?

I have nothing to hide, I'm no danger.
So I have a right to feel free and safe.

I have a right of freedom of speech without BB watching me.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Summer.. at last!!!

august 4 2007

20 degrees difference between yesterday and today!
We had sun all day!

So many people had to go to the shops after being on vacation, that it was quiet almost all afternoon.

The birds had fun, the castlerose flowered, and the last red berries got sweet.
While I picked the last ones, standing on my toes to stretch over the prickly tearose, two little birds were stealing the bramberries at the other side of the garden.

It was fun!

The girls went to sea.
They just have a few months left of travelling by train for 2 euro, so why not take the opportunity. Their father went with them, because he can travel free.
The distance is too far, too expensive for me to go.

They came back with all sorts of shells, brown skins and lots of stories.
One would have expected the beaches to be full of people, but only a firm walk away from the entrance they had the beach and the sea all for themselves. Even found chairs to sit on.

I'm so happy for them.
Just one week and school starts again.
It'll be an interesting year, with the girls in their last year, 2 boys doing exams and 2 others going to a new school.

In the evening the whole neighbourhood was covered in a cloud of smoke again.
Yesterday evening in another area of town cars got burned, maybe today too.
I can't imagine the grassborders near the railway being to dried out after a few hours of sun.. dried out enough to burn to a large extend.

So we had to close the windows to keep the smell out.

We all enjoyed the temperature, except for my autistic son.
Changes can be upsetting. Especially now he's getting nervous again about going to school soon.

He feels things different and he interprets changes different from us.
A change in weather like this makes his world so different....
So he got angry at me about the temperatures, and nothing was well.

After a tremendous long shower he finally got quiet and went to bed.
What a pity he can't enjoy life as much as others.

While waiting for another son to come home from working late, I visited some sites I discoeverd last week.
Someone thought it fit to put a comment, written with a good intention, straight on her site, to expose my writing mistakes, and to tell the world how stupid I was not to understand the intention of her text.

Well, I think I've understood it very well, seeing how she treated me.

Well, I've met so many nice people on internet, that an incident like that only accentuates the gratefulness I feel for meeting wonderful other people.
I got such a caring comment on my other blog... it brought tears to my eyes.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Sun at last....

august 3 2007

The sun shining in my face... finally sun!
What a way to wake up after a night of about 2 hours.
Can't be better after a rainy summer that was clouded all days long, untill we started to accept fall was on it's way, and we had to di without a real summer like last winter when it was no winter at all.


So now all those bright blue towels are moving a bit in the sun, a bright spot in the almost dark green garden.

They were brought to me yesterday. From the sales...where-else?.. 20 of them.
The old ones were getting see-through-towels, so I didn't mind new ones.

Until in the deep dark of the night I found out they were spreading more blue paint than new denim trousers.
So I washed them in a bucket with terribly hot water and soap, to remove most of the paint. 20 huge towels.

Then I put them in the machine to wash again at a more reasonable temperature, with bleached denim trousers, which are not so bleached anymore.
They're outside on the line too.

I ate some bramberries to make me forget the pain in my shoulders and the feeling of being left out of life.

Everyone except my autistic son is gone to enjoy the beautiful weather.
The oldest at a friends house. I bet they are computering in the garden.
One of the other boys working.
And the rest making a trip with a trainride and a lovely time at a boat on a river.

It's the best time to clean the house... which I won't.
The best time to get some quiet... but my autistic son is watching a japanese movie and het gets agitated when I leave him alone too long. It will take hours to calm him.

So I'm doing some odd jobs at the house... telling myself that this is my life and I have to be content with it.

Inside is a little girl, asking when she's allowed to play outside again. To enjoy the sun, make a boat trip, go shopping endlessly and realise some dreams.

She gets no answer.

There is none.

august give-away

august 3 2007

I wanted to start a vacation give-away because for me it's a time at home, caring for the children, doing what I do all year long, but with most of my friends away.
A give-away is a great way to meet more people, so see blogs one would otherwise not find and to feel connected with people.
A huge give-away, the dog day's give away, was going on last month. It needs mentioning in the guinness book of records!
So I wouldn't start mine because I didn't want to come in between.
Now it's august and the rain is still drizzling down here, I think we can do with a little sun.

Want to participate in the august give-away?

Here are the rules. (Can't do without them, can we?)

  • Offer a gift at your site.
  • Display the image above... first download it to your computer and then upload it to your site. You can use for hosting. No linking to my site please, otherwise they might block it.
  • Link the give-away-image to or even better to
    That way others can come here and participate too.
  • Enable comments for those who want to enter the drawing of your gift at the end of the month.
    It's easy when they're numbered, because you can use a random number to draw the winner(s).
    Make people aware they have to leave an url of an accessible blog, or emailaddress. Ofcourse a contactform at a site is fine too to get in contact in case someone wins.
  • Sites that need registering for an account that is never used anymore are not accepted.
    Nor are sites that contain material that is not fit for children to see.
    If there's doubt, it's for me to decide.
  • Don't burden people with things to do, like subscribing to newsletters, searching your blog for an answer to a question or something else to have them show they're more interested than others. You can let them answer a simple question like 5+5= in case you want to prevent computerised submissions.
  • Don't use the emailadresses for anything else than contacting the winner. So no spam, advertising your site, your newsletter. Nothing.
    If you do I will get you off the list and report you to the authorities and your provider.
    This sounds terrible, but some now and then some people.... ugh!
  • It's OK to offer books and other items that have been used as a gift, but you can't let someone win a broken item.
  • To get more people to your site, you can set the give-away entry as a sticky post. That means it'll stay as the first post all month, and you'll attract more visitors.
  • If you offer more gifts, give them each a link at this site, so people can find them.
    You can find the link of the blogentry by opening your blog and clicking on the title. Some systems use the date to click to a seperate page.
  • Enter the link to Mr. Linky, and to be on the safe site, also to the comment section here, so when one system goes down, the other can act as a back-up.
  • Don't forget to enter my give-away!

Thanks for participating!!!


KooKoo Bears

At An Island Life is a huge give-away until tomorrow and you can win a gift certificate for
It was the first time I had a look at KooKoo Bears, but I'm sure I'll be back.
They have such lovely clothes, toys and other things for children and moms.
And even a lamp for boys and that's right on target here, because we really need new lamps for the boys. I don't like those boring bureaulights. They're OK for studying, but not for fun.
So have a look yourself!
This is not a sponsored post.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

boy's back

august 2 2007

One of the boys has been away for a couple of days.
It was kind of quiet around the house, but i didn't feel too well, so it was a relief there was some quiet.

Now he's back his presence is all over the floor.

And so are his friends.

It feels like a rollercoaster has taken over my house and now I realise how quiet it was the past days.


august 2 2007

I hate spiders, I hare moscitoes, I hate snakes and I hate bugs.

Especially those bugs that make you feel sick, nauseated.
Today I had one...

Well, not only today... already last week I didn't feel completely well, but I could live with it.

Today I dragged myself through the house and I was grateful I had only 2 children at home.

My glucoselevels were everywhere, but not well.

I can only hope It'll be better tomorrow.

On top of it I did something at the html of the site... because the display of the dates is gone.

Luckily blogger saves the dates automatically.
Now I only have to find a way to get them displayed automatically again.


give-away rules

A give-away is a great way to meet more people, to see blogs one would otherwise not find and to feel connected with people.
I've made new friends because of it.

Want to participate the give-away?

Here are the rules. (Can't do without them, can we?)

  • Offer a gift at your site.
  • Display the image above... first download it to your computer and then upload it to your site. You can use for hosting. No linking to my site please, otherwise they might block it.
  • Link the give-away-image to or even better to:
    That way others can come here and participate too.
  • It's OK to offer books and other items that have been used as a gift, but you can't let someone win a broken item.
    Everyone can participate. We all have something to give. If you really don't have any, offer to blog about a certain subject as a guestblogger, or contact me.
  • Enable comments for those who want to enter the drawing of your gift at the end of the month.
    It's easy when they're numbered, because you can use a random number to draw the winner(s).
    Make people aware they have to leave an url of an accessible blog, or emailaddress. Ofcourse a contactform at a site is fine too to get in contact in case someone wins.
  • To get more people to your site, you can set the give-away entry as a sticky post. That means it'll stay as the first post all month, and you'll attract more visitors.
  • Being a citizen of The Netherlands, I always value that people reach out across the borders.
    I pay for international mail, do you too?
    In case not, I have the adres of a pastor of a church in the USA that is in need of extra items for the people and the library. Feel free to contact me in case you want to give away the give-away you've won.
    If you have paypal you can order at ebay of the country your winner lives in.
  • Sites that need registering for an account that is never used anymore are not accepted.
    Nor are sites that contain material that is not fit for children to see.
    Nor are sites that aren't accessible anymore when the month is over.
    If there's doubt, it's for me to decide.
  • Don't burden people with things to do, like subscribing to newsletters, searching your blog for an answer to a question or something else to have them show they're more interested than others. You can let them answer a simple question like 5+5= in case you want to prevent computerised submissions.
  • Don't use the emailadresses for anything else than contacting the winner. So no spam, advertising your site, your newsletter. Nothing.
    If you do I will get you off the list and report you to the authorities and your provider.
    This sounds terrible, but now and then some people.... ugh!
  • If you offer more gifts, give them each a link at this site, so people can find them.
    You can find the link of the blogentry by opening your blog and clicking on the title. Some systems use the date to click to a seperate page.
  • Enter the link to Mr. Linky, and to be on the safe site, also to the comment section at the give-away entry, so when one system goes down, the other can act as a back-up.
  • Don't forget to enter my give-away!

Thanks for participating!!!

Do you have questions? My contactform is at the top of the sidebar.


Wednesday, August 1, 2007

my august give-away /was sticky post

august 2007

My august give-away is a set of earrings or a pendant.

When you want to participate,
please let me know if you have pierced earrings.

The drawing of the winner is at random at the last day of august.

So when you come back september 1..
maybe your (blog)name is displayed here.

Read more about the sunny august give-away here.
(Please do!!!)
So you know what your part in the give-away is.
Take the graphic to you computer and upload it to your site.
Link it to this site.
And don't forget to let know on which page your give-away is.

Let's make it sunny for a lot of people on internet.

Have fun!

Those who read the rules and have joined in with a give-away have entered their sites at Mr. Linky. Thank you!!!!