Wednesday, February 28, 2007

2/28/07 to the slaughterhouse/abbatoir

Sending children, even when they are just 16, to a slaughterhouse without any preparation whatsoever, is calling for trouble.

And trouble we got after our son came home.

The school told yesterday they were going there, so we hardly had time to prepare him well.
And can you prepare a child for the deathcries of pigs?

It was for the subject: environmental subjects.

Living in an area where they still use natural water for drinkingwater, they'd better had gone to the waterstation and explain why we have such clean water here that it needs only one filtering before it's ready to drink safely.
They could have compaired with water they win from the dunes, and water that is extracted from the sea.

Noop, they went to the slaughterhouse.

Started at the endproducts and went all the way to the killingstation.
Walking through slippery blood, seeing them killed.

That school is not ready with me.. and he was not ready to go to school in time this morning, after a bad night.

He couldn't sleep because he kept hearing the screams of the pigs, and seeing their bellies torn open.

I am so happy that I agreed for one time with my autistic boy and said it was OK to stay at home. He couldn't have handled it at all.

Well, my other son couldn't either.

So the school got a letter in which I told that it was me who decided he could go to school late, and it will be me getting in contact about the subject and that I don't expect any punishment for him at all for being late.

I have to think about the steps I'm going to take....

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

2/27/07 schooltrip

I feel lucky not both my autistic and adhd son came home at the same time.
So they both could tell their stories about the schooltrip that was planned for the day after.

My autistic boy was all over the place.
He needs structure and can't deal well with unexpected events.

When something special is at the agenda of school, I announce it weeks before, and the more the date comes near, the more he'll know what's going to happen.

This trip was not announced beforehand.
It was announced one single day before.

Perhaps if it had been to a museum he wouldn't have felt uneasy,
but the trip is... to... a slaughterhouse!!

He's all over the place.
By no means he's going to go there. What does the school expect? Walking between dead animals over a floor that's slippery of blood?
And what should he do when they want him to slice a part of an animal?

Don't tell me autistic kids don't have imagination.
He has.
Lots of it.

But whatever I say to calm him down, it only makes it worse.
Between his endless sentences he sneezes a couple of times and I can only hope for all of us he'll get the flu.

Each time he sees me he tells me: "I'm not going to go... They're nuts to expose little children like me to that cruelty."
Only when it's time to bed it changes in: "I'm not going to go, I'll faint when I see all that blood. I hope my teacher can cope with the rest. He can do without me."

My son with ADHD gestures wildly when he comes in.
"Guess what those teachers have invented?
A tour to the slaughterhouse."
"Where you all thát disobedient in the class?"
He smiles.
"Pff... we have to be aware of environmental issues, so they take us there.
First we had to go to the wasteburning site, and now there.
Those people don't have any idea of pleasant trips.
There are sweetfactories, and toyfactories enough with environmental issues.
Don't expect me to go there. Pffff."

When I go to bed he smiles at me....
"Mom, maybe it's cool there. Maybe I can bring home a lot of meat."

A few hours later I hear someone walking through the house, sneezing.
My autistic boy is ill. He looks like he has been to the slaughterhouse himself.
With watery eyes he looks at me: "I dink I'maving that flu'f'you."

So one went this morning, and one stayed at home. Not alone. His little sister has the flue too, so all three of us wish a trip to the handkerchief factory would have been planned.

Now we're waiting for the brace slaughterhouse visitor to come home....

Monday, February 26, 2007

2/26/07 is the school a hospital?

The flubug is flying around in this area.

One is throwing a fit in my head today and I'm sure his whole family has been living there the past three weeks.

This morning my autistic son didn't feel well, but not terrible enough to stay at home.

At school, after a couple of hours, he sarted to feel unwell and reported this to his teacher.
He told him to go to the concierge... meaning that he could report himself to go home.

Instead the concierge send him to the administration to get a paracetamol (tylenol).

I was told when he came home.
Most of the time he doesn't tell me anything.

I expected school to ring me, so I stayed near the phone. Nothing.

Well, I don't know how it works in other countries, but I think the concierge is not the right person to make decisions about the health of a child.

Especially not about a child at a school for special education, who already uses medication.

He lacks the knowledge about and the skills to observe interactions and side-effects.

So guess what this mom is going to do tomorrow??



Well, I've finally put the old blog over to here.

It's so strange to read through what happened a couple of years ago.

Some struggles are still the same, others have just disappeared in time.

Last week we finally got a government again.
They have lots of interesting plans, but I want to see what they'll do.

Right after making a picture with the queen the first mini-drama unfolded.
It completely skipped my eye, but someone was seen wearing furr.
So the party for the animals jumped on it directly.

I was more interested in the plans to ban smoking from the horeca at the beginning of next year. A couple of years earlier than stated in the government plans.

I'm delighted.

The last years more and more restaurant had areas with a sign""non smoking", but I've never eaten well there.
One of the restaurants allowed smoking at the downfloor and banned non-smokers to the upper floor...
Smoke rises!!!

The last event I went to was to a restaurant/party place featured as a barn.
Ofcourse people started smoking, but it soon was said they had to stop because of the danger.
Well, that certainly put on hold any arguments. Great!

I came home without congested lungs, still breating normally, so I was very gratefull.

With the ban on smoking in restaurants and other public places that means I can go shopping in a different town and have a coffee wherever I want.
It even means I can apply for a job behind the bar.

Imagine me being a bar lady. LOL!
I sure can listen...

16 - 22 oct 2005

Saturday, October 22, 2005
Just a week.

I'm soo tired.

The kids had their autumn holiday.
The first days went rather well, considering that their dad was at home too.
But after that!!

Their dad started to get bored with homelife, so he got irritated by everything.
What a pity he's not brave enough to pack his bags and leave. But he was brave enough to yell at the kids and hurt me in my heart.
I hate it when people look down on me.
No need to look up to me, but don't look down on me!!!

He even put me down in the waitingroom of the dentist.
Well, I was just one little thought away from getting completely angry:"he's making a fool of himself."

I might get dependent on the rest my new dentist radiates. LOL!

Ofcourse my auti-boy couldn't cope with all the unrest in the house.
He got plenty of angry fits.

I'm now counting the days to the 4th, when they start medication.
There is no other way dealing with him, unless I want him to go to an institution.
I keep struggling with that.
But at home
I'm his controler. I can't be at school too.

Banged my head against another group.
Really felt at home in a group of mothers of such children.
Well, one considered it well to just copy a mail and send it to a politician, with her name under it.
I can't believe people are so stupid and so disrespectfull.
"You have such a good way to put things in words", was her explanation.
Yea....that's why I earned part of my living with writing a couple of years ago!!!
But you won't go into a photographers gallery and take out a photo and send it to a politician with your name under it, "because he has such a good way....".

So I got angry.... When I make a mistake I say sorry..... At least!!!
I told her to inform the politician about the wrong name under the text.
Well... she finally offered some form of an appology....

Wrote something on my blog.... very vague... it might have even been a coincidence with her action... and the group-owner told me off.
She felt hurt.
Well... I just don't understand why.

I'm allowed to write on my blog that I feel awkward even after an appology.

It really got to me.

Every time I feel at home with people something really big comes up.

Well, maybe I take it heavy because some of my friends, real friends, are going through a rough

I hate it that money...the lack of it, means I can't even go to them and give them a good huggg.

18 - 24 sept 2005

Sunday, September 18, 2005

two septemberweeks

Maybe I shouldn't have applied for a membership of the bagpipes and drumsband.
I had an irresistable urge to crawl back in the past and find my old whistle and flute tunes.
Oh my dear, you don't want a confrontation like that.
I had not enough air, probably thanks to years of asthma.
And my fingers seemed to be wooden twigs... I'm almost 50! Not eighty.
So I decided to take up practicing right away.
After this week I feel better about it now, and it sounds better too.
I'm not yet as fast as I was, but I still have the tabs and rolls and other techniques built in.
That's great with the flutes and tinwhistles here. ((Some are still hidden away somewhere in the attick. I never thought I would be as much of a fool as to start anew.)
But I'm sure I'll have problems when starting all those exercises for the bagpipes on the practice chanter.
Well, we'll see.
It sure is a chance to get some relaxation... and I need that!

Well, did I tell that the youngest boy and the one a year older were attacked on their way home from school by a groupsmember?
That attacking boy is one of those kids that have no proper parental supervision and he's a terrible bother at school. I thought it better to have school handle matters, if they wished, than the cops.
The school kind of jumped on the oppertunity. Problem is that they can't expell him. By law they have to take 8 weeks to find them another school.
Well, we'll see.
My sons were angry and much more, but as far as I could see they had only bruses, a few bumps, and ofcourse hurt egos.

Pulled the straps at the educational coordinator at the school of the girls.
Told her in nice words in a letter to hand over a treatment plan for my dyslectic girl, otherwise I would refer my daughter to a special commission that assesses her to see if she'd better be at a school for children with special needs.
I was invited for a talk on friday, but I rejected it.
I don't want talks, I want everything on paper.

On monday the coordinator had a talk with the teachers.
Hej.....what about that talk on friday?
What did they want to tell me then???

In the afternoon they handed me over a treatment plan, which was not enough in my eyes.
As the school doesn't have a remedial teacher nor a pedagogue anymore and the teachers are already overworked, there was none who could give some professional attention. Well, with a 16 months lay-back that's not enough.
So I'm getting the paperwork ready for the special commission.
I don't want to get into discussion anymore where I'm expected to talk in sugary words. They treated me like crap last year, and I deserve better.
And my little lady sure deserves far better.

My other little lady is happy with her new teacher, but I want to have her evaluated too.
She's not as far behind as her dyslectic sister, but she is behind... I'm sure of that.
But if it's far enough to get her to another school? I don't know.

Broke another molar.
Well, that makes clear that proper dental care doesn't matter when cracking molars are in your family history.
Asked the dentists for a referall to the surgeon last time, but I haven't heard from them.
Wrote another letter after the newest breakage, asking what they wanted me to do.
Move to another dentist or make an appointment with them.
A friend told me there is a quiet dentist nearby. She thinks he's great. But people here think he's far too silent.
Well...I'm far too nervous to deal with dentists, instead of them dealing with respect with me.

Finally bought some new shoes. They were very cheap, in the sales, but they're leader up and under and they fit well.
Problem is that my special inlays don't fit.

Got a call from a psychologist who's going to treat my autistic son.
Made me aware how stupid it is to want to have the intake with parents and the boy in question.
He's not ready to face all the problems he needs to work on all summed up within an hour.
I worked hard to give him some self confidence.

I'm not going to destroy that just because Rogers and others in the 70s thought that being open was far better.
Hej, it's a kid we're talking about, not a grown up.
So let's stir in the world of psychiatry and psychology and ask for research that has proved this the proper and most efficient way of doing an intake.
I'm sorry if the woman in question is a student.
We've not been told. So I'll treat her as a collegue.........
Oh my dear, I feel so sorry for her... because I know I'm right....

I also think it's far better that she has a talk with me and some people from school when assessing the problems he has at school. Nothing better than hearing it from those who are directly involved, instead of treating after getting second hand information.

So I'm rolling....rolling and rolling more....

And I applied for a place at an ADD conference in Dallas, Texas.
I was surprised with myself doing that.
But here we always have two or three places for people who can't afford the travel money and the registration.

So maybe america has the same system (They always tell us america is better, so show it then!!).
I hope
I can stay with a friend...

Wouldn't it be great to finally visit some friends and share some experiences on the field of ADD.....

Well folks, that's all for now.
Need to cook and prepare for the parents evenings of this week.
They take so much time.....

4 - 10 sept 2005

Sunday, September 04, 2005

help at last and too late

Wow! More than 300 passers by at this blog and two comments, one of which from my best friend.

That says something, doesn't it?

It's like always when there are comments on the way this government we're talking about acts.
If our govenment would have acted as slow as the american did, it would have put out of order immediately.
Not only in the political way, or by journalists (like one american did here in an open letter)..
Oh no!!!
We would have called those who are rich and have helicopters and such and have them fly there and do what needs to be done.

It's interesting that food droppings started after a photographer started dropping water and food in the disaster area.

Ofcourse there's a lot too-doo on TV and in the papers about the remarks that help would have been quicker to the area if the people had been of a more lighter variety.
I heard the nice Mrs. Mubbs Jones (if I remember her name well), and some politician, who found out that the white people had stayed at home whereas the black people had come to the dome.

Me oh my, that guy is clever!!

Well, finally the government of the USA has asked for aid: food from the NATO, (beware the biscuits might be overdue) and humanitarian aid from the
European Union.
Great acknowledgement at last.

And let's be stated very clearly, I hope now all those americans telling us over and over again how gratefull we should be for the help they gave at the final end of WW2, will finally keep silent. I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of being told how to act and to behave.

I've offered my help. I'm a grief counsellor, specialised in grief after the tragedy of loosing a baby.
I'm also specialised in helping the professional helpers after disasters.

And many more people of my country have offered help, as did people from many more countries.
And do you know that Afganistan, Iran, Cuba and other countries offered help too?

We cried when we saw your people dying, we were in agony with those mothers we had their children in their arms to die, while no cars were allowed over the bare streets, because no private help was allowed.

Will you sue our journalist who helped a baby and his aunt escape, clothed and fed them and brought them to their family?
And will you ever say thank you for the help we have send even before we had any idea the disaster was that large??

Did you know that the native's prophecies fortold this all?
And that the weatherpeople warned as much as they could, so the government should have been ready so they could send in aid with one push on a button?

I'm aware that many people have awakend from their lethargy and are helping now.
The best ones by helping through real actions, others by donating a bit of money.

Well, these people need everything, so whatever you touch you know they need it....

18 aug - 3 sept 2005

Monday, August 29, 2005

Blog day

Haven't heard about my very ill friend yet, so I think her condition isn't changed and still very serious.

The boys have been to school for the first day.

One of them goes to the school for children with special needs for the first time. For the first time in his life it's accepted that he has severe learning problems, and I hope this will change the world for him. Yesterday evening he has mood problems as he was verrrry nervous.

When he came back today he was smiling all over and superhappy.

Wish that stays all year. LOL!

I took the chance to go to hospital to get my bloodwork done. I expected the hall full of people, and instead there were only 10.
So it took about 10 minutes to get in and out.... Wow!!!

My mouth still hurts and I've got a bit of an earache. I don't think this was meant to be.

We've the TV on at CNN all day to follow the news of the hurricane Katrina.

Friends and the parents of another friend have their houses precisely in it's way.

They're all evacuated, but the worry is there, as they might loose their houses and belongings.


I feel almost guilty having the best of weather here....


Can't believe internet went down!
It's a long story... they forcing us to use the expensive phonenumber to get their problems sorted out,
I telling them that they have a support mail which should function just as well.

So when I told them to take the time to solve the problems they disengaged us...

I was terribly mad.....

Went to their shop nearby: "No problem in the connection, mam.
It's probably a problem of your computer."

This morning I phoned.... got a nice young man on the phone, but I was too mad to care.
After 15 minutes: "Mam, you're right. It's no problem of your computer at all.
They have connected the wrong IP to your account after maintenance........"

Friday, September 02, 2005

help for Katrina disaster

I saw on TV that a reporter said that america is always asked for help and that now america needs help, none offers help.

Well, let's be very clear: this lady is completely wrong.
Read here.

Our country was among the first to ask how much help was needed.
The helporganisations told that there was enough money.

So our government has send a marine ship that was stationed at Curacao in the hope this help will be accepted.
We also can send F16's, divers, identification teams, dyke-builders and others.

I feel very much for those in the disaster areas, those who died and are dying and their family outside the area.
And I don't understand why the Red Cross has send one person there..... only one! Whereas thousands all over the world are eager to help. But they're not allowed to come...

Why doesn't the american government send helicopters in in large quantities to drop medication, babyfood and normal food.
Don't tell me that they are hindered by those who are shooting at them...
They weren't hindered to pick up military in vietnam.....

Don't tell me that there are no boats to pick up people who are left in and on their houses to die. Plenty of rich americans have jaghts and even more have boats that are quite suitable to help.

I can't understand this.

When the floods hit our country bad in for instance 1953 help was there in no time, becauseeveryone in the country did what needed to be done.

I remember some clearvoyant saying at the beginning of the year that
here would be a situation in which the whole world could see that someone who wanted to be a worldleader was not even able to mobilise help for a little part of his own country.

Only a few weeks ago immense areas in the middle of europe were flooded.
Problem solved.... I'm not even sure if the american news brought it on TV.

Don't tell me that a country with so many more recourses and a well trained army isn't capable to help.

Well, no need to tell me that the disaster is taken with the same strange helplessness as always.
Blaming others not to help, but letting babies die....
Telling other countries no help is needed and not dropping medication for those in need.....

I just can't understand...... just can't!!!

So The Netherlands has send a marine ship.... accept that help.
We're doers,....
And we've offered our expertise in many areas..........

If your president can get in...
he should have taken thousands of helicopters and boats with aid...

This is negligence....

So better stop telling other countries in the world how to run their country....
run your own.....

(So, have you guessed that I'm angry because there are still people lashing out at the world??)

21 aug- 27 aug 2005

Sunday, August 21, 2005

summervacation 2005

So the summervacation has come to an end.

The children had a good time. So that's OK.

Especially the girls enjoyed almost every minute of every day.
They can't be bored. Even on the most terrible day they made themselves comfortable on their far too little room, and strated doing something... playing with the barbies (fakes ones mainly), making artworks from coloured paper, fitting clothes (leaving me with all the piles, but who minds after seeing their faces), and lots more.

I'm sure 2 of the boys will suffer from computer withdrawal sympthoms when going to school. I'm not happy with all that computertime, but one is autistic and the other has quite some autistic characteristics too, so are not able to find things to do as well as others.

To me this vacation has been the worst ever.
They started renovating the house beside us and as the walls are pure concrete, it took them ages to do the things they had to do: a complete vacation...
Never a silent moment during the day than some threathening half hours at lunch time.

Last friday they were almost done. So all I expecting were falling hammers on the bare floor.
Instead I woke up when already sitting straight up in bed.
A nut was trying to mow the lawn of 6 square meters with a large electric mower.
Even worse... it was not adjusted well, so it was biting in the hard sand, smashing little stones all over the place.
He was lucky not to have hit a window,
although that have might broken the stress I was experiencing.....

I jumped out of bed, got my hair washed and went outside.
The stinking fumes of the machine were hanging as a grey cloud in the garden.

The day before they had cut of the large trees that were in the front garden of the neighbouring house.
Beautiful full grown trees, forming the most beautiful entrance...
I would have swapt houses just like that wasn't it that we would have to pay far too much after that renovation. And to be honest... I've found out I'm to fixated to my garden. To the old willow, to be honest.
I'm sure they would cut it rightaway when we move. Can't let that be done to a very old tree, that clings to live. I'm certain it has been a holy tree in the old days......
Guess I'm treating it that way....

So with all the noise and stench around me, everyting trembling inside me, I went to that man.
He told me they would cut the trees in the back garden too.
It felt like a lash on my face.
So I asked him politely to go to the owner of the house and come to another decision. Those trees keep the worse winds from our garden, and they give the shade we need.
They were planted there in full agreement between neighbours (white lie...I hated the wooden wall they had put there and was glad some green found it's way between the wood and over the wall.
The man told me that plan was plan.

Ohh.... I felt the trembling inside and worse...the tears of tiredness and all vacation stress finding their way up.....
So I was kind of bitchy when I told him that plans can be changes and I have as much right to have my request considered as everyone else.

"Those trees are standing in the wrong soil."
"Who are you to say so?"
"A gardener."
"Yea... one who follows orders just like that."
Haha.. in the wrong soil!! Those trees were beautiful and as high as the three story house. So they would have reached straight into heaven when they would have been in the right soil. LOL!

"A real gardener doesn't bite the stoney soil that way... pointing to the electric mower... and sure doesn't use an electric one on 6 square meters of 3 cm grass!!!
You're just someone paid to follow orders, and i just tell you to get in contact with the owner of the house and tell him he'd either decide to leave those trees as they are or get in contact with me.
And he won't like it because I've been all vacation long in that hell of a noise, I'm completely stressed out and tired to the bones. And that doesn't make me a good partner on conversation. I know what I want and that sure isn't killing of trees by chopping them off unprofessionally. I'm ready to sue him and I have a point, as some of the trees are standing on my grounds (not!!!) and you can't just cut some and leave others.
The new tennants won't like that at all!!!!

"I'm not going..."

"Oh yes you are"....... I started to get very angry because i couldn't surpress my tears anymore... "You are going to phone that guy, or else I will.. and that'll cost you your job.... as sure as you can see my tears, you will see what happens..."

Probably nothing, I thought on my way home, bursting in tears and crying the hell out of me. Was this supposed a vacation????

About 15 minutes later it was silent for ten minutes, an hour later I heard the owner in the garden.
Still they started chopping the trees off, but about 20 cm above the wooden wall and not at a meter high, so the trees will die for sure.
I got my camera.... had only two photos left... cchhhh...

When they'd left we had a look.
They'd killed the low plants, got rid of the beautiful passion fruit. and chopped the trees in a straight line...... I doubt if they'll survive.

I felt sooooo sad.........

The birds couldn't find their places to land, and called me in the garden like I could bring back the trees. I felt so sorry for them.

On top of it all a piece broke off one of my already broken molars.
I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or the cause of the pain I had last night.
Didn't sleep at all till 7 this morning.
Woke after an hour with a very soar throat.
The molar gave no pain when putting lots of cold water on it, so I doubt if the pain is coming from the molar.
It's a real problem to get in touch with a dentist in the weekend, so i'll try and postpone it to tomorrow. If a referral to the hospital needs to be made it can result in a same day treatment when I'm lucky.
And if a referaal to a normal doc needs to be made it's called urgent and they will fit me in the same day, instead of making an appointment somewhere at the end of the week.
I guess I have no other choice that getting the two crowns... That way we'll never get a new floor here.

As I also can hardly walk because I misstepped a couple of weeks ago in a real bad way, I can say I've had the worst vacation ever.

Well, I'm still the same me, in a way... still can enjoy my garden... so in a way I'm OK.
In pain, tired to the bones... but OK...

Maybe I'm lucky there's none to put an arm around me, so crashing only adds to the problem. LOL!

Thursday, August 25, 2005


One molar extracted.
It took them 45 minutes to get it done.

The conversation before was not at all what I expected. Very unkind and with no consideration whatsoever for my feelings.
I was especially surprised as we were there to have a talk about the options and the treatment plan.

So very disappointing.

They want to do another extraction in september, but I think it's better go to the surgeon and have a talk with him first about the options. Like an implant for a crown.

I don't have to much pain now. Minimal swelling of the cheek, so that's great. After 8 hours it was still bleeding.
I didn't know what to do, because they said nothing about aftercare....

Is it normal that the molar in front sticks out more??


Slept better than before now that nerve-pain is gone.
It's still bleeding a bit.

friday 26th of august

The girls had a good week at school. They both were very happy with the way everything went.

The place of the extracted molar has been bleeding more than 24 hours!!
Guess that wasn't the intention of the dentist.
The swelling was minimal, but I'm painfully bruised under my chin.
The moral in front makes a clicking sound when I bite on it. I hope it gets stable again... imagine them demolishing the thing as bad that it has to go out too!

I thought everything over and I've decided not going back there.
Why go to people who care more for their wallet than for me?
I didn't even get a leaflet after it all telling me what to do and not to do.
I had to find something on internet, to discover that shouldn't have done things I have done..
Luckily my own doc gave me antibiotics when I asked.

I didn't mind the extraction, but I do mind not being able to clean my mouth properly at
that place. I hope I can do soon, otherwise I'll be able to kill a whole town within one exhalation. LOL!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

14-20 august 2005

sunday 14 august

I had/have a hard time coming to terms with the death of my friend.
It's so strange she died on vacation and there was no chance to attend a funeral.
I'm sure one day I'll find a the right way of saying goodbye to her.
I'm sure it'll be in some artwork.because of the vacation here it's too bussy in the house to find some rest.

Tomorrow (15th)
I'll remember my little daughters birthday and her death the day after.
It's so many years ago, so I'm
It was strange to realise that I wasn't able to attend her funeral then.
Lost too much blood and wasn't allowed to go there.

So my friend and my daughter share something.


Got a mail to inform us that they accept one of the twins as a pupil-bagpiper!!!
It was her dream, and I wrote a mail to ask if they had a place for a 9 year old.
Got such an enthousiastic mail back!!

Two of my ancestors were Scottish.
I lost the name, but not the famous stubbornness. LOL!
And now the little one wants to become a bagpiper!!!
Maybe i should contact the chief of the clan and ask for recognition of those few drops of scottish blood that are moving through our veins. LOL!!!

31 july - 6 august 2005

Sunday, July 31, 2005

That was july

Another month passed.

Hell, time has a characteristic of disappearing too fast.
Not when you're in the middle of it, but when it's gone.

We've had a strange month.
A couple of days ago we even had to switch on the lights in the middle of the day.
It was dark and grey.
We were supposed to have lots of rain, and we had three drops...well, maybe four.... or two.

And when we should have a dry day according to the forecast, we were nearly flooded.

One of the boys went abroad and he came back all in one piece and full of stories.
He's had the best of times and even brought home very nice souveniers.

Because he wanted to work on a farm nearby the first monday after his trip, we arranged he could work there.
At first the farner told he would call back, but J. said: why not try?
Saves you remembering to call and us to wait for it.

So he went that monday. Still tired...

Chapeau... he came back rather late, but proud he made it through the day.
Luckily I'd told him he would be tested, and yea, that farmer had him work all day...alone.
So he didn't even get a break...

I nearly phoned the man... I don't like slave labour.

But the next day he worked with the other people on the farm, did different things, was back at a reasonable time and has proper breaks.

The people there taked a strange language.
"Just ask", I told him.

Well, I guess he didn't learn much at school. He had french and didn't even recognise it! LOL!

At the end of the week he got his pay and went almost straight into the shops to materialise his wishes... one of those games... dunno how to call it and
I'm not interested. It just makes me completely crasy with the click-cklick click.

The other son wanted to work there too.... no place for him.
So he only works thursday evenings and sneeks behind that gamesthing first thing in the morning he's awake.

I'm not looking at him all day, so when the owner of the game comes in I can honestly say I haven't seen anybody there.


The girls had a sleep in with a friend. In a tent in the backgarden.

One of the girls didn't like it at all... not after an evening full of spooky stories and spotting a large spider.
I guess she has my genes. I like spooky stories, but I don't like spiders.

They had a better time with the neighbouring lady.

She lives alone and often needs to host people who visit the place she works.
She doesn't mind. It's company.

Each year we get her apples to make pies and more, because she doesn't like the idea there might be animal protein in it. LOL!
Well, not every hole keeps a worm, so
We're glad with it. It's a nice continuation of a tradition.

I planted the tree many years ago, with the promise from the friend who lived there that I would get the apples each year in exchange for an applepie.
I only missed one year because some strange foreigners lived there.
I know a little portuguese, but they spoke it with such an accent and so very fast....

Well, the present neighbour asked for a loan.
"A Loan??"

Turned out she wanted to have the girls for a day to take them to an attraction parc.
So we all sat around her table and they made a wise decision: the dolphin parc.

They've had such a great time there.
Came home late, but weher so happy.
And..I didn't worry a bit.

I did when one of the girls went with a friend and her mother to Amsterdam.
We had problems a few days before, when my daughter came home after playing with clothes.
She looked like a hooker and I felt very uneasy about that.
So I send her back to get into her own clothes immediately and went to that mother trying to make clear this was way over the border.

She didn't understand a bit of what I said, I guess.
"She looked nice and sexy."
"No need to look sexy when you're 9."

She's 9!!!!!! Not nineteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And when she looks like that when she's nineteen I'm sure I'll pour a tin of acrylic paint all over her, so she's not able to show herself to the world untill it has eroded from her skin. LOL!

I'm no nun, but I have eyes....

So that mother took my daughter with her to a friend in Amsterdam to play with the children.
Under strict instructions: no change of clothes and no painting of the face.

The kids had a great time, as the weather was sunny and it was not too hot, for a change.
They played all day, had pancakes and vegetables and a lot of fun.
After dinner another friend of the woman showed up, so they started to talk and when they finally left it was way too late.

She arrived home...

at half past eleven!!!!!

Well, she arrived home in one piece.


Nothing much more this month that is worth mentioning.
Apart from loads of rain we also had a few far too hot and dry days.
The climate is changing, that's for sure!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

So many times we stood together in the choir.
She at one side, and my best friend at the other side.

We were young first sopranos and we could handle the rest of the choir and the world.

There were days that the empty corridors of the school harboured our voices after a choirrehearsel.

The resounding walls heard our improvised close harmony variations on the songs we'd just enjoyed and not seldom the conductor got a surprise during a performance because we made a perfect fit between our improvisations and the choir.

How secure we felt during those hours, and how happy.

Outside those wonderful hours we were ordinairy schoolgirls, students and later mothers.

We saw each other again even before the school reunion. ofcourse at the rehearsal of the reunion choir.

We shifted places as long as needed to stand beside each other.
She in the middle of the choir.

Her life had made her feel very secure and the happy look in her eyes made everybody smile.

We were so pleased to be together again that we made plans to sing again ....
"when the children are a bit older".

I met her husband and children. And recognised myself in her reactions.

And we sang.
Beside me I heard her full soprano merging with my voice.
We didn't dare to improvise during the reunion service, but, unseen for others, we shared our emotions.

When I saw my old dear friend among the people my voice got clouded by tears and I had to keep silent for a minute. She pushed me with her arm and gave me a wink.

Not much later she went silent and took a paper hankie our of my bag to take her tears away.

After the service, when we took our things we talked about how surprised we'd been by the deep emotions we felt.
For a while we stood with our backs to the world, just being in each others present, sharing unworded emotions.
Then we hugged and laughed and had to share all those stories

The day she died abroad I was thinking about her. Cried without knowing why. And asked myself when we would see each other again.

We'll never see each other again.

She was as old as I am and her life was very fulfilling
Many people will miss her.

A feeling that something is wrong pushed its way into my thought.
It's not fair: ... her husband... her children...
She could have done so much more if only she'd been given more time.

I even feel guilty because I'm outliving her.

Now the circle of friends of the old days is broken.
I'll never anymore hear her firm voice beside me.
Never see her smile and hear her light laugh.

In me is a hug that isn't ended.

Dear M.
I know you won't rest in peace, because you'll go on smiling and talking and being there for others.

The memories of special moments will always stay with me,
and at times I'll sing songs with your memory.

I miss you!!!

3-9 july 2005

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Found myself watching "Holby" at the BBC.
Nothing wrong with that.

The story was situated in Ghana.

Tears roled over my cheeks.
At first I didn't even realise it.

What is it that Africa pulls and pulls and pulls, as if I'm chained to it?
Ghana, Niger, name it and it hits a string and resonates.

Show me Mali, or let the wind bring me a veil of Malinese music
and I feel my heart open and I feel like it's my home.

Tell me, what is it??

I'm as white as milk.
The heat would probably kill me,
and otherwise the dust will.

I've never been there,
and even though I long so strong to go there,
I'll probably never will.

Here I have children to care for,
and there will never be enough money to go.

I don't have a romantic picture of Africa.
Never had.
Friends of me are midwifes and they have lost the battle with life many times in
Sudan, Malawi, Swaziland and Sambia.

Somewhere in a little hospital there's a vaccuumpump.
A simple one. Non-electric.
I've bought it after my first son was born.
A friend took it with her and in a way it was a gift of gratitude for the survival of my son.

Somewhere in Swaziland a girl lives with the name of Susie.
Her mother died during the delivery.
Her father didn't accept her, and she was left for adoption.
She was welcome here. All was ready.
She would come 7 days later.
I told my friend to go and talk to the father.
"Tell him here's a mother whose child died, she says that his blood will be spilt over the borders of the spiritual area of his stem if he lets her go.
But that she will be accepted as a daughter worthy of a full life if he sends her."

My heart both ached and was happy when he accepted her after all.
I'm told she is a fine girl now.

I've tried to dig in my roots, to come up with a nice pair of very black ancestors.
That would easily explain.
But one can't read the color of the skin in old books.

If I would go to africa I would be a stranger.
A whitey, and even if I would stay I still would be a stranger.

Like I am here.......

Feeling black in a white skin.

26 june - 2 july 2005

Saturday, July 02, 2005

live 8

First let's give the URL
so you can have a
look live
at the cities where the concerts are going

all cities click here

I'm so happy that
people all over the world
are gathering to show they

The organisation has forgotten one
important motto:

We're all world
There shouldn't be any borders between

Even more,

if we
would be able to share our food,
none would be
If we would be able to share our
none would be in the rain,
if we would be
able to share our blankets,
none would be cold,
we would be able to share our love
we all would feel

Not just for one day, but


19-25 june 2005

Sunday, June 19, 2005

life flies

It's not time that flies,
but life.

And right now it's flying through a rather polluted area with just a few rays of sun.

It feels like being at the end of a stretched arm, reaching for something better.
I don't even for what.
And on the other arm people are pulling an pulling, together with all those feelings that belong to life and shouldn't. Grief, guilt, haste, worry, longing, pity.

There is the schooldirector of one of the twingirls.
He wrote a letter, demonstating he can.(!)
Telling that she'll have another teacher next year. Finally!
A trap was built in the letter: we had to come to school, within about 30 hours, meaning about 5 hours of school.
So he got a letter back.
I'm getting better at it: saying what I mean without thinking too much.
It comes right from the heart, and the heart is mine. So who can argue?
Time will tell if he can.

There is the autistic son. Not understanding teasing he got very angry and I was called.
For the first time in ages I was not held responsible, but was treated as a minor expert: maybe I knew what to do.
I asked the school to support my request for therapy. Within two days I had the best of letters, and within a week my son was on the waitinglist.....

The other one, the AD(H)D one who has severe learning problems, among them dyslexia, had to appply for a school for special education.
It was a long talk. They had over 20 applications for at the moment 2 places.
Kindly they took time to balance facts and expectancies and helped us to choose another school. In case....

Turned out he is now number 1 at the waitinglist.

How about spending time for nothing?
Contacted the school. Called and called over again.
None called back.
Wrote a letter, none replied.....
They have to teach our children how to behave???

But what can I say?
Did I fail myself when I was lied to be the oldest boy who told me he had only a couple of hours of school, whereas he was supposed to be present from 9 to 4?
And where failed my instruction when he showed absolutely no feelings at all when he was confronted? I taught them all how to behave. Told them the right and wrongs, and lived it right in front of their noses, even when they were still in the dripping fase.

I have the paperwork here, right beside me. 30 pages of questions about him to paint a picture to someone from the psychiatry department. Within a week I'll be able to put a date in my agenda to go with him for assessment.
Apart from ADD he'll turn out more or less autistic.
I'm beyond the stages of protecting him.
I started doing so when school handled autistic children with putting them in the back of the classroom. Over and over I weighed the benefits and costs of assessment..... he jumped on the scale himself.....

I shouldn't have married the silent boy. Should have handed him over to the girl who almost stalked him in a too wide T-shirt and gardentrousers. Her breasts pushing everywhere to come out and show themselves at the same time as she did.
She wanted me out of his life.... I thought I had a will of my own.
So I got children and found myself from being a mother to become their teacher and full time therapist.

Found myself standing in the middle of the road and when I looked I was standing in the bare dessert.

The husband is just another member of the autistic crew. With growing age it showed more and more.

And the other son?
He screwed up the whole weekend because he wanted to have his own way, and just didn't get it.

He's not able to see what's right in front of him: someone struggling to see the little surprises and pleasured of life, while wanting far more out of time than life has to offer.
I want an arm around my shoulder, a friend, a blink of an eye. I want to travel, make movies and sing in a band.
Instead I sing my own song of life in silence, whispering a few words on paper now and then, and dream.....

If life flies, why not I?

5-11 june 2005

Friday, June 10, 2005


Today my autistic son celebrated his 13th birthday.
He didn't want a party, but he wanted the next book of Harry Potter, and the promise that we would take him to the next Harry Potter movie.
No problem with that.
It's always fun to go somewhere with him.
Not because his behaviour, but because he just looks like Harry Potter.

A friend who asked what he got from us was told that he didn't get any birthdaypresents from us.
When I confronted him with the fact the he would get the first book etc., he smiled.
"Well, that's joy for the future."

Luckily his father found some music boxes in the sales, after I'd told him to go and look for something little.
I meant chewinggum or so, but I guess he felt some sense of guilt after starting a row with me about spoiling the boy.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

one kind of a mother

Later the day my sister phoned that my mother was taken to hospital with a broken leg.
After years of non-communication they suddenly knew how to find me.
She even lied about finding our phonenumber on internet.
Sorry, "lady", it is nowhere on internet, because it's an intern number of a firm, registered nowhere.
I guess it took her two days to get my mother as far that she could enter her department and take a look in the little book beside the phone.

Last time I spoke my mother is years ago.

She called me all sorts of names through the phone. Telling me I was the worst mother on earth. After childhoodabuse that was only a minor offence of bad wordchoice.
But it has happened before, and always on times she knew she could spoil.

I called her back to ask why she had done it, and offered her an excuse: "did you drink too much when you called".
She told me "no".
And turned the matter against me. How she as a mother never got attention enough, that her children didn't care about her and the whole litany I know by heart and never ever will repeat to my children.
So we parted in a strange way...

Later that night she phoned and I had the anwering machine on, because I wasn't at home.
It was completely filled till the last bleep with the worst language she knew.
I listened to part of it, and felt so bad.
Someone else would have said she was nuts and would have her rolled away to an institute of the mentally insane, where she would make the world a hell for the other mentally handicapped people and their caretakers.

So many emotions went to me.
A deep longing for my father, who had most of the time been able to shut her up and smoothen the situation for me.
Some sort of depair that I've always wanted a real mother, and got one of the worst.
Anger, because I'm worth far more as a person that she'll ever accept.
Grief, because I deserve far more.
Helplessness, because I wasn't able to change anything about the relationship with her.
Amazed, because there was so much hatred behind her words.
Although I knew from the first moment I's been able to understaqnd language, that she didn't want to have me at all.
And relief, because the children were in bed and
I switched on the anwering machine, which I almost never did late at night. Glad that they didn't switch it on in the morning to hear if someone from school had called to tell that they had the first hour off, and then hearing their grandmother this way.

So I listened part of the tape, and then was so disgusted that I put a new one in, and decided not to call my mother anymore.
As expected she called me two days after. Answering machine.. filled with her high tower attitude.

Then she started phone-stalking us.
Calling at 2 in the night for half an hour,
and at 3 in the night for half an hour.

She knows that my profession means I have to be available.

She also knows that phoning that way means that 6 children wake up.

But she didn't know that I'd switched the sound off, and that a little clickclacking signaled her late night attempts to scapegoat me even more.

It lasted for weeks and months, untill we took the whole phone-system out and equiped the kids with mobile phones and strict orders only to use them for SOS.
My phonenumber is only known to my best friends, and the vader of the children receives all incoming calls on a non registered number.

No need to inform sister and aunt, because they'd already fallen for my mothers way of thinking. None ever bothered to call again, send a card, answer a mail. They stopped seeing me as a normal human being months ago.

Slowly we came to rest.


And now I'm informed my mother is in hospital.

In a normal situation I would pick up a bunch of flowers and hurry there.
But I decided to take a day to think about it.

I feel sorry she's in pain and has to stay in hospital.
I'm quite ready to forgive all that has happened and start taking care of her, her house and everything else.

But what am I doing when I take that huge step?
She will treat me as rotten fish when I arrive at the hospital.
The family will ignore me. Or start being kind-ish, because they want me to take care of her
when she comes from home.
I can hardly keep up with matters here!!

They think autism is a bad case of wrong upbringing, instead of a psychiatric disease.
My son is autistic and needs full time guidance. I seldom leave the house!

I know I'm falling short, and I feel a bit guilty, but I'm not prepared to be treated in a disrespectful manner.
I want to concentrate on my children, who need me fully.

And I don't want the opinions of others about me, clash with the opinion I have about myself.

I know they will see me as harsh, unkind, non-caring and not living up to the duties of a child.
But don't they treat me as dirt already?

It has always been about living up to their expectations.

I'm 50!!!!!

(Well, almost. LOL!)

I have decided to focus my life on my children and on matters that can be changed for the best of more people.
I have worked so hard to gain some feeling of self-confidence.
Each day makes me feel I have to fight not to feel a victim of circumstances.

So there will be a bunch of flowers, as they expect.
With an unexpected little letter, wishing her a rapid recovery.
Maybe with a note that I consider it wise to keep the distance as it is to prevent further problems and unreal expectations in the future.

What do you think?


22-28 may 2005

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

moving on the pavement

an empty face

moving on the

groaning cars


the smell of pizza

the middle of the

far away trains cry.


full amazement
yawning people

stones on walls

needs finding.

school hidden
between two trees
like ears

a wall.

Do you hear them?
Do you hear

Enter the slow movement

of hasty

hurrying feelings

no one standing

the silver plane

disturbs the white

the glowing feel
of not to

an empty face
moving on the

cars crossing
the steps to


Sigur Ros

album:Agaetis Byrjun (1999)


15-21 may 2005

Sunday, May 15, 2005
a frog to kiss

Isn't it great and exciting to be invited to join something new?

It's a place to discuss matters in an open-minded, non-judgemental way with people all over the world.
It's new, so your input really makes a difference.
So why not try it out?

Well, I'm a bit lost for words after a hectic day. But I'm sure you've got the message.
So I'll see you there.

We got the message that one of the boys is admitted to the school for graphical education. (That's a free translation.)
It's a step towards becoming a photographer.
I got a big smile when I told him.
The rest of the day he was to the center of town to ..yep... make photographs.
He's not doing bad in making photo's of skateboarders.

We also got the bill of the hospital where he went last week after he fell when skateboarding.
Turned out he was making a video at the time, skateboarding beside one of his friends who was doing all sorts of stunts. The road was in the old part of town, where the roads slope downwards to the river.
They both collided and they'll carry the scars forever.
The doc told him to stay away from skateboards for some time.
Weeks were meant.
Not days!!!
So he sneeked away with his camera and his skateboard......

***sigh*** ........ kids!!!!!

Monday, May 16, 2005


I've been a balletteacher and one of my main targets was not only to teach ballettechnique, but also to teach the open feel of heart and soul to feel the music take the movement.

I was able to accompany some pupils on their path to the balletacademy and the profession.
Sometimes even a bit guilty, because being a balletdancer is very hard and it takes a lot of time, strength and dedication.

I know. I went the path myself. Luckily in a time that improvisation was allowed on music that was soothing for the ears of the public. Unlike often today.

We tried to make the public feel that music and movement come from the soul, and that there's movement and contact even when standing still.

I've seen wonderful moments captured into eternity for a second.
A convergence of inspiration, radiation, expression, reaching out to what lies far beyong oursenses.

Someone pointed me to this

This girl, so much resembles my favorite pupil, that it's shocking.

The photographer was able to catch everything only great performers can achieve.

She will stay in my memory forever.

Friday, May 20, 2005

at the psychiatrist

She came to tell us in a very friendly way that we needed to wait ten minutes longer.

In reality we waited twice as long while the sun started to shine outside.

The meeting was very relaxed.

She asked us if we'd thought he could be autistic.
Hahah...not at all!

In a way this surprised her, so I think she sailed too much on the diagnosis of his brother.

She asked, so we told her why.

She reached for the DSM manual and started to ask all the important questions.
He's a clear ADHD'er.
Told her so!!!

At a certain moment she said:

"That's quite something, a family of 6 with an autistic boy and one with ADHD."
I thought this was not just a spontaneous remark, but it probably would be the start to something, so I tried to stay neutral.

"Yes, and we haven't even spoken about the third boy."

"Do you ever have some private time, some time for yourself?"

"No, it's a 24/7/12 job."

"Does anyone take it over sometimes?"

I was a bit surprised.
Suddenly she turned to the father of the children: "You, for example."

He didn't know what happened. ", I can't."

"And why not?"

He didn't give an answer so I told her that he's far too impulsive.

That he doesn't analyse what happened before his eyes, but just reacts out of his needs of the moment.

"I'm sure you'll get a lot of comments. In many families with an autistic child and a ADHD'er the mother has the full responsibility for the social interaction and a lot more."

"Yes, I do get a lot of comments."

"For example....?"


Well, I always tell him that he first needs to observe carefully what's happening.
Then he has to decide which action will be appropriate. Or he has to analyse if the reaction he's about to give gives the results he wants.
So it comes down on very basic strategical thinking.

"And you don't...?"

"Eh, no."

"Can't you learn this?"

"I think so."

"Well I think it's time you did.".

Then she started to talk about special monetary support, which enables us to hire someone to take over my role.

She asked what I would do if I had some time off.

"Well it depends on what I feel at the moment."

Then the conversation went on, untill we reached the subject again of using ritalin.

At school the teachers said that they thought my son would be able to reach better results if he would be able to concentrate more.

So after some talking we decided to try ritalin for some time.

"But I want to start it straightaway then. School only lasts a couple of weeks. If we start next week another week is lost.
Give him the chance to show what he can. I'm not all for ritalin, but you want to try it out, then you should start today. "
After some thought she agreed.

So I got the tablets and talked with him at home.

After about an hour it started to work. He fell asleep. LOL!

Later we had a good talk without him tapping his fingers on the table or forgetting what he was saying in the middle of the sentence.

8-14 may 2005

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

In Kenia a dog found a baby in a dirty bag.

She brought the bag-and-baby to her own puppies.

Humans found the baby and brought her to hospital, where they cleaned her, removed the maggots from her umbilical cord and named her Angel.

She's healthy and doing fine.

Isn't it amazing: a dog that wanted to take care of her as one of her own puppies?

Many humans don't even care for the people nextdoor.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

doctors on strike?

Read at the paper that the doctors in our region intend to go on strike again.

That means that I'm not able to attend my doc at 5 minutes away, but that I have to go to the ER at a hospital. That's 20 minutes on a bycicle, 30 minutes on the buss and 5 minutes walking.
Just great when you have a broken legg!

And that all because they think they're not receiving enough payment.

Get away!!
Or doc works only parttime. Keeps housecalls to an absolute minimum.
He lives in a nice big house, with a nice small wife, and three cute well dressed and decorated daughters. Ohh. and his car!!!
Absolutely great!

At least two times a year he's on vacation. And he has a caravan, in case they want to go out for the weekend.

He pays his additional courses and a lot of courses for his assistant.

This lucky me is not jealous, but when I realise that he's going on strike for even more money, forcing us to take an expensive cab in case of a real emergency, forcing old people and invalids and young mothers with families, to wait for hours and hours on end to be seen at the ER....

So I wrote on my Dutch blog that they'd better find another way to protest.

I was so irritated that I even send it to the chairman of the doctors organisation of our region.

Now they're not able to see they don't know any alternatives.

I gave them some!!!

Friday, May 13, 2005

new look

Yesterday evening I was told that we needed some forms for one of the boys who has applied for another school. He wants to become a photographer.

He got the forms years ago, and we never expected to use them. Even worse, we didn't know if we had them here at home.

So I looked at the places where we save our paperwork. Nothing.
When I went to bed I couldn't sleep, so I started searching again.... and found them! Even found the 3.30 in the night.

So this morning I decided to take it easy and change the look of this blog.
Wanted to do it ages ago.

The girls took the forms for the parents evening to school.
After some consideration I decided that we didn't want to speak with the teacher who has caused so much trouble. With almost calligraphed handwriting I wrote that we won't come.

It's not that we can't keep an eye on the schoolwork of our daughter. I'll make an appointment next week to speak with the person who has assessed her and her twinsis to see if they are dyslectic.

Our country remembered the disaster of Enschede.
5 years ago a fireworksfactory exploded, leaving a hole in the city.
Many people died, and even more people are severely traumatised.


Grrrr, the little TV I have upstairs gave up.
It only shows a very bright white horizontal stripe.
The sound is OK.

The thing is rather old, but it did well.. till now.
I used to have an old tube-radio.
Knew the thing inside out and reverse.
When something was the matter, I knew how to fix it.
It was fun to go to a special shop to buy a new tube.
A young girl knowing what she was doing.
But times change.
The shop isn't there anymore.
I can't find the right tubes anymore,and so that radio is hidden away in the back corner of the attick.

This little TV won't go there.
Wish I knew what's the matter....

1 - 7 may 2005

Monday, May 02, 2005

there's life around the computer...

There's life around the computer!!

With one kid in puberty, dealing with autism,
and with one with ADHD and puberty, our nuthouse isn't complete.
I have 4 others.

It's not as much the children that are the problem, but me, wanting things to be perfect.
Wanting a family that acts normal......

I've been so bussy these last weeks.
Trying to get paperwork to request some help.

Here in town they said to send other forms. Forms used for something different.
Luckily someone I know who lives in another part of the country told me about the forms.
So Jim got them from the part of the country he works. Ofcourse I had to direct him.... (So it's not 6 kids.. it's 7!).

I wish I had more time and a better health.

Well, it's spring and we've had some nice days.
Did a lot in the garden to secure better drainage.
Planted loads of little flowers.
Made a new table for the girls'room, and did lots and lots more.

In between worked a bit offline on my springsite and was too tired to pay much visits online.

I want my life to be different... but maybe I only want to fullfill the wishes and expectations of others.....

May 4: remembrance day
May 5: freedom day.

I remember
And I've learned from
the past
that war is no solution.
And I stand up
for each and every citizen
of my country
of the world.

In The Netherlands we have a logical but unique combination of days: may 4 and 5:
remembrance day and freedom day.

At may 4 life comes to a halt at 20.00 hours for two minutes to remember all those who died during WW2, during the occupation bij Japan of the
Dutch Indies, those who died on peace missions.

All over the country during day and evening memorial services are held.

Many veterans come to our country to visit the graves of their warcompanions.

The national service which is broadcasted on TV is held at The Dam in Amsterdam in
presence of the queen and the crownprince and his wife, and many veterans.

To keep the real message of this day alive the winner of a national poetry competition about may 4 reads the winning poem.

This year (2005) for the first time two (canadian) veterans took active part in the wreath laying.

Many official delegations pay honor to the death by laying a wreath.

Another nationally boradcasted ceremonial takes place at the Waalsdorpervlakte near The Hague.

At the Waalsdorpervlakte between the dunes the Germans created in WWII a place to shoot more than 250 people.
One of the people of the resistance: Bernardus IJzerdraad was shot at march 13 1945.
With him 14 men from the resistancegroup: De Geuzen, and 3 people who took part in the februaristrikes.
The poet Remco Campert wrote a poem: the Song of the 18 Deaths.
My grandmother taught me the poem that told about these people waiting for their death in the deathcell.

At march 8 1945 28 people were executed there as a consequence of a coincidence.
Two days before Höhere SS- und polizeiführer' Rauter ended up fighting with a group from the resistance on the Veluwe near De Woeste Hoeve.
They meant to capture a meattransport for the german army, but they hit on Rauter and his men.

The "Rauter disaster" lead to excecutions all over the country.
At the same day 117 people were shot near De Woeste Hoeve and 28 men at the Waalsdorpervlakte.

One single cross marks the place were so many people were killed.

At the same place where all these people waited for their death

Antons Mussert, leader of the NSB, was held prison from may 1945 untill may 7 1946.
He was excecuted in the early morning.

The monument in remembrance of the war victims lies before the dune behind which most victims were shot.

It's a simple wall with the inscription:
At the left a little stone with the text:

At this place many fellow countrymen sacrificed their lives for your freedom.
Enter this place with respect."

Behind the wall four crosses.
The original wooden crosses van be seen in the Fresian Museum of resistance in Leeuwarden.

They were brought there in 1981 when they were replaced by bronce crosses.

An important part of the remembrance service is played by the large bell.

At April 30 1959 the inhabitants of The hague gave the bell as a gift of gratefullness to the councill.
The Bourdonklok, as it is called, is situated behind the crosses.
It has an inscription of prof. mr. R.P. Cleveringa:
I sound in honor and following those who gave their lives to prevent injustice, to gain freedom and to protect all Dutch spiritual wellbeing.

The bell sounds at the remembranceservice of may 4 while endless rows of people walk past the monument.

In my town amongst others, is a little memorial at the place where at the beginning of the war a nice school hosted many young children.

The school was bombed and many children were killed with their teachers, and others were traumatised for the rest of their lives.

Some years ago, under the tree, a swing was made in remembrance of the little ones and their teachers.

Here too a memorialservice was held this year.

Interesting is that both old and young people want to keep may 4th as a special day of remembrance to signal loud and clearly: no war!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Freedom Day

May 4: remembrance day

May 5: freedom day.

I remember

And I've learned from thepast

that war is no solution.

And I stand up

for freedom

for each and every citizen

of my country

and of the world.

In The Netherlands we have a logical but unique combination of days: may 4 and 5: remembrance day and freedom day.

On June 6, 1944 in Normandy a huge military operation started to free europe.
A huge number of troops landed. The soldiers came from England, Canada, Australia, Amerika, Poland, The Netherlands and many more european countries.

Young men who had been able to flee to England had joined the forces there to take part in liberating Europe.

During 2004 and 2005 sixty years of freedom are commemorated and celebrated throughout Europe.

Last year, in September 2004 it was exactly sixty years ago that the allied forces began their fight against the German occupiers in The Netherlands.
They were joined by the resistance.

Parts of the south were freed, but it took longer to free the complete country.
So many Dutch people suffered from hunger during the winter and some cities suffered all the problems of being a frontline city.
(Including the town where I live.)

On May 5, 1945 the german army surrendered and our country was considered free.
It was unknown at the time that at Texel a group of Georgian soldiers were fighting the german army.
This battle ended two weeks later.

May 4th is remembrance day and may 5th Day of Freedom.

May the 5th is a day of celebrations all over the country.

The day starts traditionally with the ignition of the "Fire of Freedom".

3700 walkers from 220 places have carried the fire to Wageningen, the city were the germans signed the capitulation.
Together they've walked half the circumference of the earth.

There is something to do for each agegroup. Children engage in competitions who have the nicest decorated bike, for instance.
For young people, for instance, music festivals are held.
There are also parades.
We love to celebrate with the veterans, to thank them for our freedom.
Each year many visit our country just for may 4 and 5.

Untill this year a special parade was held at Wageningen, where Prince Bernard was from 1988 - 2004 the Parade Inspector and took the salute.
He passed away in December 2004.

This year Crown-Prince Willem-Alexander, following the wishes of his grandfather, took the salute in Wageningen at a march-past of veterans, former resistance fighters and troops during the commemoration of the liberation. The National Committee Commemoration Capitulations 1945 Wageningen organized the event.

It is said that this is the very last time that the march-past is held in Wageningen. But many Dutch are sure that an event like this will take place next year too. In another form at another place perhaps.
The veterans will meet each other at a new traditional day: Veterans day, held at june 29th, the birthday of Prince Bernard.

This year 140.000 visitors crowded the streets of Wageningen.5000 people walked in the parade and many veterans from The Netherlands and abroad had a perfect time.Special visitor was the Governer General of Canada.

In the rest of the country less militaristic events took place.

Each of the twelve provinces organized a Liberation Festival.

The day ended with a huge open air concert on the canals of Amsterdam in presence of the Queen.
Traditionally she left in a boat, while thousands of people both on land and on the water sang "We'll meet again", which was sung in the past by Vera Lynn.

Following freedom day there are some more events on the days after this, because veterans appreciate attending most of them.
In Groesbeek at may 7th a battlefield tour will be held in honor of Operation Market Garden and Operation Veritable in Groesbeek.

In Nijverdal, the same day, Canadian veterans join in a memorial service.

May 8 will an International veterans’ parade be held in Apeldoorn, attended by war veterans from America, Canada, England and Poland. Princess Margriet will be present at this service.

In Margraten will a commemorative service be held at the war cementary in the presence of president bush of america.
Not all people value his presence as we Dutch want all people on this world to live without war and oppression.

Freedom in The Netherlands is a kind of freedom that grants freedom of every aspect of life, without invading the freedom of others.

That means we have freedom of speech, religion, movement, everything.

Last year though we all had to take the consequences of the trend in the world towards more control.

We have to carry our passport of other identitycard with us all the time.

Most of us hate it.
It reminds the elderly of the second world war, where our country suffered very badly under the germans.

We wouldn't be Dutch if we wouldn't take this as one more aspect of life to inspire us to be grateful for freedom.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

eggs and an american

So the president of one of the largest countries visits our little country.

Well. I feel he's free to do so if he wants to pay his respects to the deaths of WW2.

There's a paradox because he completely disrespects the people in our country.
He acts as if he is the boss here, and sorry Mr. P. We are.

While the organisation limited the amount of visitors because we want to prevent people standing on graves, Mr. P. said everybody who wants to come can come.
Needless to say that his interference isn't appreciated by many.
He's here with about 700 to 1000 people, which is an invasion in the little town he visits.
So please allow us to decide how many people can be added to that enormous amount, and how much money we want to invest in a visit.

I'm glad I'm not the cook.Mr. P doesn't want strawberry jam with little bits, because they can get between his teeths.
Oh my dear!!
We have good toothbrushes here, even electric ones.
But maybe he isn't allowed to use them in case he brushes too effortfull???
And he doesn't want one of the kind of bread we love here, because of the same reason. tttt....

He has ordered a half baked egg.
No problem here.
But one of the safety people is watching if the cook doesn't throw little white powder in it, in case we want to poison this mighty powerusing man. Tttt....tttt

We do use white stuff in our eggs.
We do!
It's called salt!
And we have a lot of kinds. Promise we won't use the garlic sort.

I know american people are proud of their freedom of speech.
So are we.
So you can imagine what an insult it is that we're not allowed to say what we want on the roads
where your mr.p travels.
In case someone shouts that he doesn't agree with international politics of this person, I guess.
I don't know if this means he has fragile ears, or that he's protected from criticism, or that maybe our government has to tip toe on eggshells, fact is that our freedom of speech is violated for the first time in our life.
And be sure, that makes me angry to the bottom of my heart and I'm sure this doesn't do much good.

So Mr. P.
Thank you for using and misusing our country.
I hope you leave a good "thank-you" for all those people who have to set aside their plans for the weekend to enable you to pay respect for the deaths.

The deaths alone.

3 - 9 april 2005

April 3, 2005

I've been so bussy catching up... so much spam between the good mails... or I'd better say that the other way around. LOL!
Also had many appointments in a short time.

Friday, April 08, 2005

vatican TV

In case you want to view the funeral of the Pope on your computer:
click here.

I'm sorry for so many people feeling grief.

Many years ago, when he was elected Pope, I had to review his biography for a magazine.
He impressed me as a person who wanted to do a lot in life. He wanted to be a true inspiration for people.
Now, after his death, people are becoming aware that he was and is.
We'll never know if he felt content about the way he lived and about what he has achieved.

It's always easy to have a lot of criticism about people who are so much in the picture as he was.

As a mother I feel there hasn't been enough understanding for other mothers who live in poor circumstances and haven't been allowed the use of condoms and birthprevention. Ofcourse having no sex at all is the best prevention of unwanted children and aids, but I misswed the aspect of caring about other people so much that you take all the prevention you can get.

At times I look back in time. In our town the nuns used to help large families when the mother was ill. They still did when I got my first children.
But they moved to a central home, and I feel that as something I miss.
The way they lived made people aware that there are far more choices to be made than they encounter in daily life.

I wih this pope will rest in peace and that people will think twice before spreading the usual nonsense about him as they usually do.

May he stay an inspiration for many.
Men like he was, are often remembered for their kind attitude towards people and for their love of peace.

So be it.


I'm sorry I haven't been here for some while.
After the new computer was installed I've been bussy with all sorts of things.

2 of the boys had their intake at psychiatry.
One has already started the tests to assess his ADHD formally.

Our youngest boy of 13 is autistic and he needs more and more supervision when his brothers are around.
Autism and ADHD is not a good combination.
I feel like the leader of a nuthouse.

Well, at least they can't complain I'm not seeing well enough what they're doing.
Went to the eyedoctor yesterday and apart from my left eye, which is a bit worse, my eyes are OK. Meaning that no signs of diabetes can be found there.

I also took some time for myself when there was a moment of silence in the house, instead of jumping on the computerchair, because I found out that a beloved artist has died.
We exchanged many mails about our compassion for ballet, and I've seen his balletworks in early versions to guide his next moves with the pencil. He was a very kind person, who loved the country he came from and who felt a great love and dedication to his wife and children.

May he rest in peace too.

20-26 march 2005

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Hi!! I'm back!!!

Hi, I'm back online again.

The old computer broke down for the last time.

There was no other way than to spend my carefully saved money, that was meant for the little gardenhouse, on a new computer.

I saved for years, so it feels sad to give up a dream of a place for myself, but on the other hand:
I'm glad to be able to get in contact with friends again.

At the same day the new computer arrived in boxes, the mailman brought a package from Verena. 2 months after she mailed it. And there weren't even stamps and stickers from the customs on it.

I was very happy with the presents in it, and wrote her a card. My handwriting was
even worse than ever, so I was glad to have the computer again.

In case you remember that Childcare was visiting us after a complaint from the teacher of on of the girls. Here's a short update:

The first time the woman of childcare came was very unpleasant. It turned out that the complaint was even worse than the schoolprincipal had told us.
In fact it was formulated in such a way that I immediately knew that what she said could not have happened.
So we tried to make her phone our doctor.... ah!
Stubbornness of those people!!

I wrote a very long mail with all our questions about the visit and the time to come. Stressing the fact that school had been lying to us, and that the relationship with the teacher was very bad.

Also saying that I wanted this matter closed as soon as possible to allow the family to take care of matters that are more important, like the bad reading of the girls.

She started investigating us. Instead of phoning the doc she asked around. But ofcourse nothing wrong could be told.

It took some weeks and then my daughter at a sunday evening suddenly told me that she had
lied to her teacher, because she didn't want to talk about her true feelings.

Thought so!

So I wrote a letter to that woman of childcare.

The second visit was far more pleasant. But maybe it seemed to be because we were so stressed about it all.

I kept asking her to have a look upstairs to see that nothing could have happened, because there was an all free look into the girls room. She kept refusing. Which was perfectly OK with me. Don't need strangers in my house. LOL!

Then she suddenly said that she had orders from her superior to speed up the case and settle
matters. If she was allowed to talk to the girl involved.

That was OK with us, but we had made clear in the letter that we didn't want the teacher to prepare my daughter for the talk, as was suggested by Childcare.

I had told her to tell the truth and that should be enough.

The woman agreed and she went to school to go directly to her.

Later it turned out she had a good talk. And after that with the teacher and the principal,
making them clear that when a teacher isn't open for the child and is full of preconceptions about a family, these things might happen.
She also made clear that they should pay more positive attention to her.

A few hours later we were called that the files were closed. It was clear nothing what the teacher had told had happened, and that the children don't suffer maltreatment or abuse at home.

She offered to help to settle matters with the school.

During her investigation 3 versions of the same story were told by the schoolprincipal: she got two different ones. LOL!

I didn't feel relieved, just tired and a bit angry about the lying and mad to the ends of my toes, because that teacher had taken no phone or pen to contact us during the whole matter.

So I finished the letter to the schoolboard, in which I complained about the attitude of the principal and the care-coordinator of school, and contacted the schoolinspection.

Haven't heard from them yet.....

After a week the schoolprincipal contacted us. He wanted to talk.

We wrote him that we only wanted to talk with a third party present.

Remember I was trying to get someone look into the bad reading of the girls?

The remedial teacher was of no use, as she said she wasn't allowed to test the girls in another way than with the normal classtests.


Well, after the matter with childcare I got a letter in which I was invited to talk with the superior of the remedial teacher.

A lovely woman, who was well prepared.
Turned out that one of my girls is more than 2 years behind in reading, because she had difficulties soon after starting reading. Exactly as I had said all the time.

We agreed that she would look into the matter more, trying to find out the precise cause of the problem with the tests I had asked for all those years.

When childcare roars........LOL!!

I told her I was in doubt about the way the other twin was reading... She took up her file and she said that it seemed I was right. She would look into that too.

Well, that seems to be positive.

And then the flue epidemic hit our house.

None escaped.

The oldest and I are still ill.

And the rest of the update?
You'll get that at another time.
When I have seen a bit of my mail. Hundreds and hundreds of mails are waiting. Don't know
where to begin.

I have to install some of the programs on the computer, and I have to refind the nice things I had.

The old computer just played with the back-ups.
I can't open them, so all is lost.

Well, spring has started, so why bother too much?

The birds are having fun each morning, the crocusses are great in the garden, and the little fresh green buds contain a lot of promise.

Have a great day and don't forget to let me know you've been here!

13-19 febr 2005

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

"Happy Valentine's Day" for those who live in the happy circumstance of being with someone who loves you. Be it either in the pink dream of a new relationship, in the routine of everyday life, or with the wisdom of love that have grown in depth.

And: "A lot of strength" for those who long for an arm around them, someone who looks at them with loving eyes, and someone to share a smile with.

I've had those months of thinking that there would be livelong valentine days, but I soon learned that any flower on my table would have been strategically called for. Starting weeks before a birthday or valentine's day, repeating, and with the date just one day ahead, pointing out the shop.How convenient I got allergic to pollen!

In my country, Valentine's Day is for new love, and sometimes for secret love.
So the last really celebrated one is far in the past.

But each year my mind wanders to those people who have been loving in the past, wondering who I would want near.

Sure, it's the person who gave me last week a friendship bear on a red heart-cushion. 5 cm high.
It's a great person to talk with, to laugh with, drink cinnamon tea and listen to music.
He's fun, and completely himself. Making me feel shy at times.
We're friends and I can't imagine us to be steady lovers.
He's got a wonderful relationship with a woman he'd never ever leaves.
Well, I don't want to break up relationships anyway.

But these days I got a pair of eyes in my head.
They looked kind of helpless when he stepped in the car, leaving for america.
We studied together. Shared books, and had the same way of underlining important matters.
We loved to cook on the landing of his little attick, and we've spent many hours listening to music.
He could play the 12-string guitar, and I could listen forever. Sitting against the bed, dreaming...

How little did I know of love, real love.
I expected fireworks, butterflies all over and violins in the background.
In my struggle to get to know myself, I was myself when I was with him.

In in his struggle to find himself, he found an american woman, and left.

Once he came back. After 9 years, and it's already many years ago.
We went to get the boys from school, and people who didn't know me, thought we were a
I was happy...

Oh, how little did I know from life...
He divorced in America. Lived in Portland.

If he would come today, I would go with him......

So no half naked cupid trying to escape from the police, and sending arrows into hearts.

Just simple melancholy ... two eyes ... a friendship long gone by ...

Bye Hans, I miss you

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

reading and school...

This morning I woke up feeling better.
I should be, as I had to go to the girls school to talk about the reading of one of the girls with the remedial teacher.

A very nice woman.

My girl is behind in reading. She tried to ease my mind, but she couldn't.

The rest of her schoolwork is interfered with by the bad reading. She's intelligent and she could be helped by spoken language, but right now that seems to be out of the question.

Well, I'll see into that soon.

All in all the woman said that not much else could be done than training.
Well the girls does enough, so there should be done more.
Maybe even special education.

So I said I wanted her tested.
Ooo, that's such a dirty word at that school.

Only after I told her that I contacted the ministery and that I was told there are funds available, they should only be applied for, the woman became a bit more active.

So there will be a meeting about her at school with a coordinator....jadajadajada....

So nothing will happen.

Well, then they should bite my head of: I'm going to inform the inspector.

Wish I could afford to go 3 months and a day to a foreign country with the girls. That would give me one year of homeschooling.
That teacher said one year wouldn't be enough to teach her to minimise the delay.... well hell...then why didn't they tell me she was delayed after a short while? I was the one who started questioning...

After that my other little lady saw me leave school. They were all at the playground and she and her sister came to give me a kiss. I'm so proud of these girls...mine!!
I want them to feel proud of themselves and school shouldn't take that from them.

I was so glad to be at home again....'s so cold outside. They even forecasted snow!!!